The Place You Alone Can Fill
by AmboDriver
Summary: Set post 09x03. As Arizona fights to find herself again in the wake of her amputation, can she find a place for Callie in her new world or will her new reality pull her away from the love of her life and into a pit of darkness that she can't escape? Will not follow the show after 9x03.
1. Chapter 1

**The Place You Alone Can Fill**

**By AmboDriver**

**Disclaimer:** As usual, I don't own anything. I'm just playing around with them. They are owned by Shondaland, ABC, and probably a lot of other really rich folks.

*****Please Read***: ** This is a post-9x03 story. **It is DARK, VERY DARK. This will not be an easy read at first**. But you can't get to the light without going through the dark. And they will get to the light, I promise. I couldn't write this story if they didn't end up reasonably happy and together.

**Content Notice: **There will not be any of the following: sexual violence, character death, or Callie/Arizona hooking up with anyone else. Pretty much everything else is on the table, but I don't want to give it away so that's all I'll say now. If you want to read this but are worried there might be triggers for you, just PM me your concerns and I'll let you know if it's safe.

Okay, ready for this pretty long and hard trip? Let's go…

* * *

"_Whoever you are, there is some younger person who thinks you are perfect. There is some work that will never be done if you don't do it. There is someone who would miss you if you were gone. There is a place that you alone can fill." – Jacob M. Braude_

**Chapter 1**

Callie came out of Sofia's room and sighed heavily as she looked around the apartment. Their bedroom door—or perhaps it was best to say Arizona's door at this point—was closed and Callie just didn't have the energy to go in there right then. Not after the evening that she'd already had, that they'd already had. First finding Arizona on the floor of the bathroom after she didn't make it to the toilet and then the settlement meeting had really worn her down. It wasn't like there was ever really a time when she could forget everything that they'd gone through in the last months, especially her own failings, but today had brought it more to the fore than usual.

She collapsed onto the couch, not even taking the time to change into pajamas, and sighed heavily as she stared up at the ceiling. She hated the night, because she couldn't turn off her thoughts. At work she could push it all away and ignore it. When she was dealing with Sofia there were more important things to do and for those brief moments she could focus on the happiness of being with her daughter. And then the times when she was alone with Arizona were usually so filled with anger and sadness that she could focus on that and not on what was causing it. But here at night, she could only think about why Arizona was so mad and how her colossal mistake had probably meant she'd never truly get her wife back, if at all.

"_What do you mean she's not getting better?" Callie practically screamed at Alex when she'd finally tracked him down after she had finished operating on Derek's hand._

"_I mean, she's not improving. We've got her on a ventilator and every drug in the book and her fever hasn't broken and her serum lactate levels have increased. I just don't get it. The leg was the main source of the infection. Things should be heading in the right direction by now but they aren't."_

_Callie pinched at her nose and felt a horrible sting of bile in her throat. "Did we miss something?"_

_There was a heavy silence between them as Alex just turned to the wall, resting his hands in front of him and bending over. He shook his head. "What if it wasn't—"_

"_No, it had to be her leg. It had to be." Callie wasn't ready to think about the other possibility. "There's no other explanation." But she knew there was. It was rare that it would present like this but it could happen. She finally turned her back to the wall and banged her head into the drywall. "Do you think it's a pulmonary embolism?"_

_Alex looked at her, his eyes wide with shock and fear before he shut them and hung his head. "Shit." He shook his head and then looked up at her with pain in his eyes. "Motherfucker," he ground out as he suddenly ran off down the hallway toward Arizona's room._

_Callie's legs wouldn't follow him. Her whole body was like lead. But worst of all was the pit in her stomach. She just collapsed to the floor, her breathing hard and her mind screaming at her. "I cut off her leg. I cut off her leg and that wasn't the problem." The tears came then and felt like they would never end._

Callie shook her head, trying to chase those memories from her mind. But, really, the torment of them was her penance for her mistake. They'd made an assumption, a horrible assumption, and it had cost her wife her leg. It had almost killed Arizona before they'd been able to treat the embolism. In many ways it had killed her, because Callie felt like she would never get her back.

Callie rolled over on her side and grabbed the blanket from the back of the couch. She closed her eyes and cringed at the images of Arizona that evening in the bathroom that played in her mind. Her Arizona was gone and Callie would likely only ever have her in her memories. _And in my dreams_. But sleep was all too often elusive, and so Callie just closed her mind down and tried to will it to come. It took what felt like hours, but eventually she fell asleep and was able to dream of her Arizona.

* * *

The next morning things were exactly the same as any other day in their new lives. Callie got up, got some breakfast together for the three of them, and then did her best to coax Arizona out of bed. But today, unlike the last two, Arizona didn't seem to want to respond. And the frustration of it all was just wearing down on Callie. She stood in the doorway, staring at Arizona's back, and sighed.

"Arizona, do you want…" She had to swallow against the nausea that suddenly roiled in her stomach. "Do you want to leave?"

There was no reaction from Arizona as if she were sleeping, although from years of experience, Callie knew she was awake, Her breathing was too quick and deliberate to be anything other than a concerted effort to not react.

As much as Callie wanted to run away, to not force an answer, she needed one. She needed to know where she stood, where their family stood, and so she forced herself to ask again, although this time she was more specific. "Do you want to leave me?"

It was so quiet in their room that Callie could hear Arizona swallow. Then her voice, flat and devoid of emotion as ever, barely made it to Callie's ears. "No, I don't."

Callie felt such a wave of relief that she choked on a sob that threatened to come out and she smiled broadly, feeling like there was hope, finally, that she was making progress. "Thank you. I'm so happy to hear that."

That was when Arizona rolled over and that familiar hatred burned in the pale blue eyes Callie loved so much. "That relief you're feeling? Yeah, that's how I felt when you promised me you wouldn't cut off my leg. And look how that turned out." She rolled back over away from Callie.

It felt like Callie had been punched in the stomach and she literally fell back a step. Arizona had wanted to hurt her with that and she had succeeded, more so than perhaps anything she had said since waking up from her sedation at the hospital. This one hurt because it was so obvious that she was not only mad but she wanted Callie to hurt just like she had. Her beautiful, sweet Arizona was being vindictive and that was one thing Callie figured she would never be.

She just stood there for a second and stared at her back, afraid to move, because moving meant getting ready to leave for the day, and now she was terrified that Arizona wouldn't be there when she got back. If Arizona was being serious, she had just announced her intention to leave at some point, and if there was one thing Callie was pretty sure she'd never live through, it was losing Arizona.

And yet Callie knew she couldn't live her life in fear, and she couldn't keep Arizona if Arizona didn't want to be kept. So, with more willpower than she had needed thus far, she forced her legs to move and she turned from the bedroom door. "There's breakfast in the kitchen," she said over her shoulder before trudging off to the nursery to collect Sofia so they could leave for the day. Callie refused to take a final look back, afraid that it would be the last sight of Arizona in their apartment, afraid that it would be the last time her wife would be there with her. And she just couldn't bear that.

* * *

But a week went by and every day Arizona was there when Callie came home. Most days, things were still tense, but more and more it seemed as if there was just a little light at the end of the tunnel in the form of Arizona's reactions to Sofia. Over the past three days, while Callie would make dinner for them, Arizona would sit next to Sofia's high chair and help her eat. Callie couldn't help but smile as Arizona would talk with Sofia as she cut up chicken tenders or pieces of fruit for their daughter. Once she even laughed at a face Sofia made and Callie swore it was the most beautiful sound she'd ever heard. It all went a long way toward giving Callie hope that maybe, just maybe, her Arizona was in there somewhere and it would just take time and lots of Sofia to coax her out.

And so, on the eighth evening, Callie smiled brightly at Sofia as they rode the elevator up to their apartment. "Are you ready to see Mama?"

Sofia bounced on Callie's hip and squealed loudly. It made Callie laugh to see her daughter happy about seeing Arizona. For the first few weeks Arizona had been home, she had rarely allowed Sofia in the same room with her and Sofia had really suffered. She had been cranky and had often refused to eat, but now she was happy most of the time and eating whatever was put in front of her. It was a wonderful relief to have at least one less stressor in her life. And her daughter's smile could always make everything alright for at least a few moments.

The elevator opened and Callie walked out and around the corner toward their apartment. She purposely kept her eyes focused on their door so as to avoid looking at the apartment across the hall that now stood empty and would soon have other residents in it. She simply had too much going on in her life to dwell on the loss of Mark. That grief had to come last. Arizona and Sofia needed her too much right then.

Callie opened the door to the apartment, hoping to see Arizona sitting in front of the TV, but she and her wheelchair were not out in the main living area. "Arizona? We're home," she called out as she dumped her bags off her shoulder onto the couch and placed Sofia on the floor where a few of her toys rested. "Be right back," she said to Sofia before she turned to go into the bedroom.

But Arizona wasn't in there either and her wheelchair was also nowhere to be found. "Arizona?" she called again even as fear started to well in her chest. She quickly glanced in the bathroom but found it empty. She then ran back out into the living room and across into Sofia's room, but again Arizona was nowhere to be found. Now panic was setting in and Callie frantically went over to her purse to get out her phone, hoping she'd find a text message or voicemail or something from Arizona. But there was nothing.

She ran her hands through her hair in frustration as she looked around the apartment. When she looked into the kitchen she saw the envelope with her name propped up against a coffee mug. A moment of relief was followed by a black dread at what the note inside the envelope could hold. Callie tried to tell herself that there was some explanation for Arizona's absence that would not destroy her world, but her mind froze simply on that caustic retort from the previous week.

"_Yeah, that's how I felt when you promised me you wouldn't cut off my leg. And look how that turned out." _

Callie had to stop and take a deep breath to keep from wanting to rush into the bathroom and vomiting, but somehow she managed. And then she just had to concentrate and use all her will to compel her legs to take her over to the kitchen and the envelope. Her hand trembled as she reached out for it, hesitating for a moment before finally rushing out to grab it and open it so she could look inside. And that was when her heart stopped.

The only thing inside was Arizona's wedding ring.

TBC…

* * *

**About the Pulmonary Embolism**: So, I have this little theory that Alex and Callie maybe goofed up and they cut off her leg when it wasn't necessary. I'm basing this on three things: in the preview for episode 4 Callie says she's a bad doctor for making the decision (that implies a medical reason). Also Callie never counters Arizona's anger by saying that she saved her life by cutting off her leg (which you have to figure would be the natural retort). Finally, it would explain Arizona's extra high level of anger toward Callie and the "decision".

After a little research I figured it could have been a pulmonary embolism (PE), although the ultra-high temp would be a very rare symptom. It does fit the symptoms enough to be possible and Arizona probably also had one at the crash so a recurrence would be more likely. Leg trauma and being stuck in bed for a long time can both cause a blood clot (or fat embolism) to travel to the lungs. So, that's what I'm going with here. I figured it would help increase the dark aspects of this story and it gives Callie something extra to work through, too.


	2. Chapter 2

**The Place You Alone Can Fill**

**By AmboDriver**

**Disclaimer:** As usual, I don't own anything. I'm just playing around with them. They are owned by Shondaland, ABC, and probably a lot of other really rich folks.

**A/N:** Wanted to get this up before I lose power thanks to Sandy basically hitting right where I live. So, it might be a week or so before an update.

Thanks for all the reviews and follows. I actually think I've gotten more follows and reviews for this story than any other story's first chapter so far. Now I feel a great responsibility to pull this off!

Whew, so it looks like my idea that there might have been another reason for Arizona's symptoms might not have been true. That's good. That would have been too much for the show. But not for me and this story. I like the dark.

And for those of you concerned that Arizona left Sofia, she'll explain that a bit in this chapter. But, please, just remember she's suffering from a lot of depression and trauma (and seemingly cussing a lot now, too) and people don't always do what they would normally do when they feel like their life is essentially over. Coming back from that is kind of the whole point of this story.

And thanks go to Lovegood41 for always being my sounding board and for egging me on when I come up with crazy theories. You've become a great Grey's buddy and all around "awesome friend".

* * *

**Chapter 2**

Arizona shifted on the couch, trying to ease the pain in her leg before she actually realized there was no easing it, because the pain was shooting up from a foot that no longer was there. _Fucking phantom pains._ "Can you get me some water, please?" she asked as she looked over into the motel's kitchenette to where Teddy was bent over staring into the tiny refrigerator.

"Yeah, sure," Teddy said as she stood up, an audible pop coming from her back. "Are you sure you don't want to go somewhere nicer than this place?" she asked as she reached down to grab a bottle of water from the fridge.

Arizona shook her head as she looked in her purse for the bottle of painkillers she'd refilled on their way to the Waterside Motel. "No, this is about all I can afford. I'm not sure how long I'll be here. The only money I have coming in is worker's comp and disability insurance."

Teddy passed her the bottle of water and frowned. "You two never struck me as the blow all your money types. So, why the money troubles? Sorry if that's prying." She sat down on the coffee table across from Arizona and raised an eyebrow.

"I mind you asking," Arizona said sharply as she twisted off the cap and used the water to wash down two pills. She then shook her head, trying to remind herself that she had asked for Teddy's help and part of that help was having someone to talk to that she didn't want to scream at on a minute-to-minute basis. "I can't touch our joint accounts. Not now," she finally answered quietly.

Teddy nodded slowly and offered her a sad smile but luckily didn't press the issue. "Is the pain bad?"

Arizona shifted her weight on the couch again and sucked in a deep breath at the sharp shot of pain that went all the way up into her hip. "Yeah, it kind of sucks. I think it's just all the moving around we did getting here. It hasn't been this bad for probably a week or so."

Teddy just looked at her for a long moment and then blew out a deep breath. "Why are we here?"

"I don't want to talk about it," Arizona snapped as she averted her gaze, wishing she could get off the couch and walk away. Not being able to put distance between herself and other people was one of the most frustrating parts of her lack of mobility.

"Arizona, please, talk to me."

Arizona shut her eyes, trying to will herself not to bite back again. Teddy was the one person who she could possibly talk to. Teddy knew everyone involved, she understood them, but she hadn't been around during everything. That distance was truly key. And most importantly she trusted Teddy to support her yet be honest. The small part of her brain that seemed to occasionally be logical knew she needed that. "I couldn't stay," she whispered quietly.

"Why? She loves you. Sofia loves you. They're your family."

"That's why. I'm not the woman she loves anymore, Teddy. That Arizona started to die out in those woods and finally coded on that OR table. She's in love with the me that's not there anymore."

Teddy looked like she wanted to argue that fact but she finally just nodded slightly. "And Sofia?"

"I'm not an idiot. I know this is going to be ugly, far uglier than it already has been, and it's been truly hideous. I mean I feel like I'm drowning all the time. Right now, here with you, I've got my head above water for the first time in a month. But in that apartment, where there are all those reminders of that life we had, of the family we had, I was sinking fast. We were all so happy before and that happiness is in every nook and cranny of that apartment, just mocking me. We had everything back then. But now Mark is dead, I'm a cripple, and my wife and my protégé fucked up and cost me any chance I had of being the old Arizona. So I just can't be around that right now. And I also can't risk dragging Sofia down with me. The last thing I want to do is risk her wellbeing." She thought about her perfect little girl and couldn't help but let the smallest of sad smiles play on her lips. "But I'm doing this for her. I left so I can somehow find a way to get better. To be real honest, I'm not sure I want to try, but I need to for my daughter."

Teddy shook her head with just a hint of amusement on her lips. "I'm not sure whether that makes sense or not."

Arizona sighed as she leaned back on the couch and propped her foot up on the coffee table next to Teddy. "Well it does to me and it's the first thing that has in a long while. I mean, my life has just been a series of improbable crap, right? First my oldest and dearest friend comes to the hospital and we find out he's dying. I was so upset about that, that when I found out Alex wanted to go to Hopkins, instead of being happy for him, I lashed out and took his place on the trip to Boise as punishment. Then I'm in this crazy plane crash and somehow survive four horrific days in the woods. Two of my friends, one of whom is my daughter's father, died because of that crash. The pilot died, too. It was just luck of the draw who made it and who didn't, although sometimes I think they were the lucky ones. Then I suffered for weeks waiting for my infection to get better so I could have surgery. Finally, we got to the point where things were ready to go and I had all this hope. Then my body has to throw a clot and mask it so that it seems like septic shock. And Callie and Alex didn't even think about it. My wife is a frigging ortho surgeon, supposedly one of the best, she deals with leg injuries all the time, and it never crossed her mind I might be suffering a PE. No, that perfect storm all conspired against me and brought me here where I'm broken and useless. I don't give a shit right now whether what I'm doing makes sense or not, because the last few months have just been so fucked up and almost completely impossible, so anything I do to try to make sense of this for me, is all that matters right now."

"Okay," Teddy acquiesced. "And you aren't broken and useless."

"Oh, yeah, you try going around without a leg and see how not broken and useless you feel," Arizona snapped.

Teddy held her gaze for a moment before she quickly rose to her feet. "I'm going to take a shower. I feel grimy after the flight. Do you need anything?"

"No. I'm not helpless, you know," Arizona spat.

Teddy wheeled around on her. "No, you're just broken and useless, right? The sooner you quit feeling sorry for yourself, the faster you'll get your shit together and get back to your life. You have a wife and daughter out there who love you and who I really doubt will give up on you, even if you leave your wedding ring behind."

Arizona's eyes went wide as she reflexively looked down at her left hand. "How…"

"Oh, yeah, you don't think I saw it on your hand when I got there and then it was gone after you wanted a moment alone? I'm not that slow, Arizona. You wanted to hurt her, so you left it behind as a slap in the face, right?"

Arizona's eyes squinted as she looked up at Teddy. "Go take your fucking shower."

"Fine, but this isn't the last of this. You brought me here, because deep down, you know you need a little tough love. Well I'm going to give that to you in spades." Teddy whirled around and stalked off toward the bathroom, grabbing her duffel bag off the bed as she went by.

After the door slammed, causing Arizona to wince at the noise, there was an eerie silence in the room. It was so silent that she could hear when the phone in her purse started vibrating. She didn't answer it, because she didn't need to. She knew it was Callie or one of their friends trying to find her and she just wasn't ready to be found. Just the thought of facing Callie after today, after the pain she'd caused her in the last few weeks, ripped at her heart. She may have been furious with Callie for missing the PE and she may have dreaded every second since because of all the pain and pity in those beautiful brown eyes, but she knew she still loved her. She could never stop loving her. That was what was making this so damned hard.

Arizona reached into her purse and dug around blindly until her hand closed on the small velvet box. She pulled it out and cracked it open, tears instantly coming to her eyes as she ran her finger around the heart pendant. She wasn't even sure why she had grabbed it off her dresser when she was frantically pulling together her things to leave, but now she was glad she had. She had no right to wear it after leaving Callie, but she needed something to hold onto. She'd never be the same Arizona, but sometimes it helped to have mementoes of those you lost. She just never thought she'd need one to remember herself.

* * *

The loud banging woke Callie from a fitful sleep. "Torres, you open this door right now!"

_Bailey. Great._ Callie wiped at the sleep and caked on tears in her eyes as she sat up from the couch. "I'm coming," she called out as another loud bang came to the door. Callie looked toward Sofia's room, waiting a second to see if the baby would start crying due to the racket, but she was thankfully quiet. With a loud sigh, Callie got up and trudged over to the door, flicking off the dead bolt and then opening the door a split second before she turned her back and started walking back toward the living room. "Did Owen send you?"

"No. Actually Teddy sent me."

Callie stopped and turned back to Miranda. "Teddy? Now I'm confused."

"Sit down, Callie," Miranda said as she motioned toward the couch.

"It occurs to me that nothing good ever comes from the words 'sit down'," Callie muttered to herself as she flopped down on the couch. Once Miranda was seated on the other couch, she said, "Okay, so why did Teddy send you? Arizona's not here." She didn't want to elaborate, but had a sneaking suspicion that wouldn't be the last time her wife was brought up.

"No, she's not. She's with Teddy," Miranda said.

"What?" That caused Callie to wake fully as she leaned forward toward her friend. "Where are they?"

"At a seedy motel it would seem, but Teddy wouldn't tell me which one. She sent me two texts on the sly. She said Arizona would probably beat her with her crutches if she found out Teddy had texted me, so when you and your wife finally get over whatever this is that you are doing, don't tell her. But anyway, Teddy said Arizona asked her to come out to help her get started on rehab. I guess Altman assumed she'd be helping Arizona get from here to the hospital, but then she showed up earlier today and Arizona's bags were packed. That's all I know."

"But she's okay? Arizona's okay?" Callie's hand instantly went to her necklace, where she had added Arizona's ring to the heart pendant. She grabbed the band and started fiddling with it nervously. "I was so worried about her."

"Yeah, I'm sure she's fine. Teddy won't let anything happen to her."

Callie nodded as she let what she had just heard from Miranda really sink in. "Well I guess I should be happy she wants to start rehab, but dammit why couldn't she do that with me? I'm her wife."

"Exactly. That's also why she's been yelling at you non-stop. You're the one deep down she feels like she can safely hurt. She needs to lash out or all that pain and anger she's feeling would just consume her. And as much as she's mad at you for making the call, she also trusts in your love for her." She motioned with her head a little toward the necklace. "What's the deal with that?"

"She didn't even leave me a note. She just left her ring." Callie sighed heavily as she dropped her hand into her lap. "Not even a damned note."

"Again, she was trying to hurt you. But she'll get past this phase and things will get better."

"I'm not so sure," Callie said, feeling defeated.

"It's a good sign she wants to start rehab, right? I'm not sure what the plan is, but I'm sure Teddy will try to get her in to see a shrink in addition to a prosthetist and PT. Once she's literally back on her feet, things won't seem so bad. And I'd bet money that once she's good at walking on a prosthetic, she'll even realize that in the long run, having that leg amputated was the better course of action. We all know her leg wasn't going to heal, no matter how many pieces of hardware you had Carlson put in there."

That was something Callie had pondered a lot in the last month and she sadly had to agree. It was little comfort, however, when Arizona wasn't taking any steps to learn to walk again. But maybe what Bailey said was true, maybe once Arizona was able to walk comfortably she'd come to understand that it was all for the best. "I hope she figures that out. I just want her to be happy again. She's got so much to live for, but I don't think she sees that right now. I mean, she not only left me, she left her daughter. How could she do that?"

"You did a psych rotation, Torres. You know how much depression can mess with a person. She's not herself right now. But once she starts feeling better mentally, and she will, she'll be back and she'll be Sofia's mother and your wife again. No amount of clouds can keep all that super sunshine she normally has shooting out of her hidden for too long."

"If you say so."

"I do," Bailey said indignantly. "When have I ever been wrong?"

Callie lifted an eyebrow in Bailey's direction. "Do you really want me to answer that?"

"Fine," Bailey said as she stood up and grabbed her purse. "But seriously, have a little patience, give her some space, and she'll come back when she's ready."

"If you hear anything else, you'll let me know, right?" Callie hated that she had to wait for Teddy to tell Bailey just so she would know how her wife was.

"Definitely. She's a big girl. Even without Altman, she'll be fine."

"Thanks," Callie said as she rose to follow Bailey to the door. They didn't say anything else as Callie closed the door after her friend and locked it. Only when she was alone did she slump against the door and let out a sigh of relief. "At least she's safe," she said to herself, but it just wasn't enough. She needed to know more.

She went over to her laptop and flipped it open, looking up local private detectives in the area. Finding one that had a number of positive reviews, she pulled out her phone and dialed the number. "Hi, I'd like to speak with someone about finding my wife," she said when the phone was answered.

* * *

Arizona looked up at Teddy as she hung up her phone. "Okay, I've got appointments with the prosthetist and he's setting up separate PT sessions. He reminded me that I'm going to need to strengthen my leg just to be able to move the damned thing. I guess I'm lucky that the metals they are using these days are pretty light. Ten years ago and it would have been like walking around with a brick hanging off my thigh."

Teddy nodded. "I have a friend from the Army who lost a leg to an IED and he told me it was definitely hard at first, but just last month he ran a half marathon. Hard work will get you through this, and I know you can do that."

Arizona sighed. "Well, not like I have much choice. Callie took that from me," she said quietly, feeling the familiar bitterness bubble inside her. "Anyway, what do you want to do about dinner?"

"No, you don't get to go all anti-Callie and then ask about food. You need to stop blaming her. She did the best she could, Arizona, and you know that." Teddy sat down heavily on the end of the bed and looked at her. "You would have come to the same conclusion if the tables had been turned."

"I'm not an orthopedist," Arizona countered. "She should have known better."

Teddy sighed heavily. "Arizona, you're being an idiot. She loves you and wants to be there for you through this."

"Through this? You sound like I've got pneumonia and it'll pass. There is no through this, Teddy. This is my life forever. I'll always be disabled and I'll always be disfigured. There is no changing that. Once she realizes that, she won't want to stick around. It's too hard."

Teddy shook her head. "Wow, you really don't have much respect for her at all, do you? Again, if the tables were turned, would you leave her? Would you stop loving her? She loves you and I'm sure it doesn't matter to her that you lost your leg."

"Don't say that. I didn't misplace it. It was hacked off, by my student no less and on the orders of my wife. Hacked off and thrown out like trash, because that's all it was at that point. They tossed it into a red bag and put it out with all the other biohazard waste." Arizona swallowed the stinging bile in the back of her throat that always bubbled up when she thought about what became of that part of her.

Teddy stared her down for a moment before she said, "Give me your phone."

"What? Why?"

"Just give it to me. I promise I won't call Callie or Alex or any of your friends, okay? Just give it to me."

Arizona stared at her for a few long moments, trying to figure out what Teddy was up to, before she relented by tossing her phone toward her friend. "You better not be up to something."

Teddy quirked an eyebrow at Arizona before she began fiddling around with the phone for a moment. She then lifted it to her ear and paused, her eyes fixed on Arizona the entire time. "Yes, hello, I'd like to make an appointment."

"Teddy, what are you doing?" Arizona said as she tried to grab her crutches and get up to stop Teddy from doing whatever it was she was doing.

"Arizona Robbins," Teddy said as she stood, her eyes continuing to watch Arizona warily. "Yes, the referral is from Dr. Mitchum."

Now Arizona had a sneaking suspicion she knew who Teddy was talking to. Dr. Mitchum was the orthopedist she had begun seeing as a way to get away from Seattle Grace Mercy West. The last time she had been in to see him, he had told her she didn't need to come back unless there was an issue, but that he wanted her to see a psychiatrist to help her come to terms with the amputation. She had told Teddy about the conversation, more as an attempt to blow off steam, but now her friend was turning against her by making an appointment she didn't want to keep. Seeing a shrink was about the last thing she wanted to do. "Teddy, put the fucking phone down," she growled as she started hopping over to where her friend stood.

Teddy quickly jumped over the bed to put some distance between herself and Arizona. "Yes, that's fine. Tuesday at 3. Thank you." She then hung up and gave Arizona a smirk. "You have an appointment with Dr. Young at Seattle Pres on Tuesday."

"You made an appointment with a shrink? I won't go." Arizona said as she stopped trying to chase Teddy down.

"You will or I'm leaving and I won't come back." Teddy stood there with her arms crossed, a look on her face that just begged Arizona to challenge her.

"You'll be gone on Saturday. So, I go once. Maybe I won't go back."

"Or maybe you will. Give it a shot, Arizona. Again, you aren't an idiot. You need help and if you won't take Callie's help, then get the medical help you need. And having a shrink in your corner can only help."

Arizona collapsed down onto the bed and tossed her crutches roughly onto the ground. "Fine," she said in a huff as she rolled up onto the bed, putting her arms behind her head as she stared up at the ceiling. "I'll go, but I'm not going to guarantee that I'll keep going. I'll give it a shot though."

Teddy sat down on the same bed and looked down at her. "Keep an open mind about it."

Arizona looked over at her, feeling the fight dissipate just as quickly as it had come on. "Okay," she whispered. She then let out a quiet sigh. "Now, about dinner. How about pizza?"

Teddy smiled brightly. "That sounds wonderful."

TBC….


	3. Chapter 3

**The Place You Alone Can Fill**

**By AmboDriver**

**Disclaimer:** As usual, I don't own anything. I'm just playing around with them. They are owned by Shondaland, ABC, and probably a lot of other really rich folks.

**A/N: **So of course I had to post the dark, depressing story after last night's happy episode, right? But it's been a month since the last update to this and it needed to be done! So, sorry this is taking so long. I'm still moving in (and at this rate will be for years) plus just super busy studying for a huge certification exam I have to take in three weeks. But hopefully once that's done, I can concentrate more on this. Then I just need to get my writing mojo back (that's been lacking too). So, hopefully things will happen faster, but no promises.

That being said, thanks so much for all the follows and comments way back when. That's all such wonderful "payment" for my writing. I truly appreciate each and every hint that people are interested in this.

So, now back to the dark, with just a hint or two of hope of light…

* * *

**Chapter 3**

"Do you want me to come in with you?" Teddy asked as they stood outside of Seattle Presbyterian's prosthetics lab.

Arizona shook her head. "I'd rather you didn't," she answered softly, hating to admit how much she didn't want Teddy to see what was going to be an in-your-face display of her disability. Not that it could be hidden or ignored, certainly not until she was fitted with her prosthetic anyway, but she knew there would be pain and tears as she went through this initial process. As much as she wanted to reach out and let Teddy in, there were limits, big huge leg-ending-above-the-knee limits. "Besides, I've got two more appointments after this. You go enjoy Seattle for a few hours. I'll call you when I'm done."

"Okay," Teddy said with a supportive smile. She pulled open the door and held it for Arizona. "Just remember that today is a good day."

Arizona nodded. Hearing their discussion from breakfast in her head, she echoed the platitude she had offered to get Teddy to stop hounding her then, "Today's just the beginning of getting my life back. I know, Teddy." She tried to believe it, wanted to in fact, but the life she really wanted back was long gone. It died out in the Cascade Mountains the moment their plane began ripping apart in the trees as it fell from the sky.

She gave Teddy one last smile that she knew was fake but hoped looked genuine enough so she wouldn't hear about it later. But as she used her crutches to hobble into the lab and away from her friend, she let it fall from her face like a wet towel after a shower. She paused then to take in the large room once the door swung shut behind her. It was actually part lab and part physical therapy room. One side contained a large number of prosthetics hanging on the wall and littering shelves along with an exam table and a small office area. The other side of the room was filled with all manner of exercise and PT equipment—parallel bars, stairs, treadmills, stationary bikes, and weights. It was far more elaborate than the set up at Seattle Grace Mercy West, that was for sure. And right now it was occupied with a man in a lab coat working with a young boy who looked around 10. The boy was climbing the stairs, his eyes focused intently on the prosthetic that joined his right leg just below the knee.

The man looked up and smiled warmly. "Dr. Robbins, it's great to see you. Can you go have a seat on the exam table? Brandon and I will be done in a few minutes."

"Sure," she said before turning and starting to hobble to the table. It was only once she was settled that she noticed the young man sitting in the corner, his eyes intently tracking every movement of the younger boy. "Hello," she said just loud enough to be polite, but soft enough to allow him to pretend he hadn't heard and ignore her if he chose.

But he didn't. He turned and fixed his dark brown eyes on her. "Hi. You're new."

"First appointment," she replied.

"Ah. Brandon's been coming for a few months. This place is almost our second home." His voice was flat, without the normal affection people tended to have when using that phrase.

Arizona nodded and looked over at the young boy as he walked down the steps, his arms held out from his sides a little to help his balance. He didn't seem to need the help, though, because he was moving with a relative ease. "He's doing well. Kids often adapt quickly to prosthetics," she noted. She'd worked with an alarming number of pediatric amputees in her career, mostly during her residency when she didn't have the skills or the power to affect the outcome that she had as an attending, but even with her amazing skills and will to fight to the end for her kids, eve she couldn't save them all and so she still had a few cases a year. But if there was one thing that was similar, whether they lost the limb to illness or trauma, they all did really well in rehab once they committed to it. Somehow, she figured she wouldn't adapt as well. Adults weren't as flexible or used to learning to do new things with their bodies like kids were. And optimism wasn't exactly on her side either. Kids were just more resilient and she envied them. "Your brother?"

"Yeah. My name is Rob. I'm actually his guardian, too." He got up on lanky legs and came over to offer his hand.

"Arizona," she replied as she shook it.

"You're a doctor?" Rob asked. He quickly added. "I heard Pete—that's the prosthetist—call you doctor."

"I was a pediatric surgeon."

"Was?"

Arizona sucked on her bottom lip as she felt the sting of unshed tears in her eyes. "I'm not sure I'll be able to operate now."

"Why not?" he asked as his brow knitted below the shock of messy brown hair he sported.

She blinked to keep the tears from falling. "Surgery takes a lot of stamina and concentration. You can't be worried about pain or your balance. And some operations take hours. An eight or even ten hour surgery isn't all that rare. That's a long time to be standing on a prosthetic. I just don't think I'll have that kind of stamina." When she saw the challenge in his eyes she shrugged. "I don't know. I haven't even been fitted for my socket yet, let alone tried to stand on one. Ten hours standing seems so impossibly far away." As the words came out she had to admit there was just a small window of hope in her uncertainty, as alien as that was to her now.

"You'll get there if you work hard enough," Rob offered.

His brother came over then, walking quite comfortably on his prosthetic lower leg. "All done," he announced to his brother.

"Hey buddy. You rocked those stairs." Rob then looked over at Arizona. "Hey, I want you to meet Arizona. Arizona, this is Brandon. Today's her first day," Rob said with a bright supportive smile.

Brandon came over, his face steeled into that serious expression that only kids seemed to manage. "Hi," he said simply as she reached out and shook her hand. He looked up at her with eyes the color of the sea on a stormy morning. "It's tough at first, but it gets easier. Before long, it'll be easy as pie."

"Lemon meringue," both brothers said before laughing as they shared an obvious inside joke.

Arizona broke out into an automatic smile that she couldn't have stopped if she wanted to. "Now you've made me hungry." She then got more serious as she held the young boy's gaze. "Thanks for your advice, Brandon. You've really gotten this all down, huh? You went up and down those steps like a champ."

He looked down at his prosthesis and shrugged. "I get lots of practice. The elevator in our building's been broken for months, since before the shooting. At least Rob doesn't have to piggyback me up and down anymore."

Arizona's eyes went wide as she took in the information Brandon gave her. A young shooting victim, being taken care of by a brother who couldn't be old enough to even legally drink, and obviously living in some run down building if the elevator had been out that long all spoke of a really hard life. And yet here he was with a light shining in his grey eyes, working to literally get back on his feet. "Practice is good," she managed to get out through the tightness in her throat.

"Well, we better get going," Rob said as the prosthetist approached. He looked down at Brandon and put his hand on his shoulder. "You have homework before the tutor gets there and I need to get to work. Let's get going."

"Okay," Brandon answered with a reluctant sigh. "It was nice meeting you, Arizona. I hope I see you again."

"You will," Pete the prosthetist said. "I've got you two back-to-back three days a week for the foreseeable future."

"Great!" Brandon jumped slightly in excitement and wobbled as he landed, only regaining his balance when his big brother caught his arm. "Whoops, we haven't gotten to jumping yet."

"We will," Pete said as he playfully swatted Brandon's arm with the manila folder in his hand. "Now get out of here. Your tutor won't be happy if you don't have a few pages of that book report done, right? You better get to it. And no staying up late tonight. Remember…"

"Being tired makes it hard to balance," Brandon joined in word for word with Pete. "Alright, I'm going, but only because Arizona needs you to get her on her new leg." The way he said it, you would have thought he was far older than his young years. He smiled back up at her. "I'll see you on Wednesday and I hope you'll be standing without those horrible crutches. Bye."

She wanted to agree with him, to tell him that she hoped the same thing, but the words stuck in her throat. "Bye Brandon. Bye Rob."

Rob leaned over and whispered in her ear. "Don't let Pete browbeat you too much." He then was dragged away from her by Brandon as the young boy took off toward the door. "Bye," Rob called over his shoulder.

"He's a good kid. They both are," Pete said before looking back at her and smiling in that exaggerated encouraging way medical professionals developed early in their careers. "So, it's nice to meet you. I'm Pete."

"Arizona," she said curtly as the brief respite of sunshine that the brothers had brought into her day rapidly dissipated and the cold reality returned. "So, what's first?" There was no use dillydallying after all.

"Ah, all business. I like that," he said, although he didn't sound like he was telling the truth. "First, let me look at your leg and then we'll do some measurements. We've got that nifty machine over there that does all kinds of precise measurements about your legs so we can order the right socket and prosthesis for you. Then we'll see if we can get you on a temporary socket and leg, just so you can begin to get a feel and start working on your balance. Then when your custom leg gets here, we can get right to the bigger stuff, like walking and stairs." He chuckled quietly. "And eventually jumping."

She didn't see the humor in it. Instead, she swallowed hard as her eyes filled with tears she didn't want to let fall. This was it. There was something so final to beginning this prospect of regaining her mobility. It felt like this meant she was accepting her disability, and yet she knew she still had so far to go to come to terms with it all. It just wasn't okay, and it never would be, not by a long shot.

She really just wanted to continue to rage against her reality, and yet now she found that she couldn't. She was being dragged forward by the process of recovery, whether she wanted to or not. There was a checklist she had to go through, and it felt at such odds that she would be moving forward when she still felt so stuck emotionally, so unprepared for this next phase.

It was terrifying, as change always was, and she felt more alone now than she had since getting on that plane. Her thoughts then turned instantly to her family. Callie and Sofia should have been there, cheering her on, and yet she couldn't let them see her like this. It was better to fight on her own, to chase down each demon and face it as she was ready, than to see the guilt in Callie's deep brown eyes or the fear in her daughter's face at this strange being her mama had become. Still, it was all so overwhelming and she felt like she was fighting more with herself than with the obstacles in her life. She had never felt so alone in her entire life.

A tear escaped and she angrily swiped it away, annoyed at her show of emotions to a complete stranger. Instead, she took a deep and steadying breath and nodded. "Okay, let's get this over with."

* * *

Callie sighed as she listened to the investigator throw out stupid question after stupid question. "Of course I checked our joint accounts. She hasn't touched them, not even the credit card. I don't have access to her personal account." She now regretted thinking small individual accounts for each of them was a good idea. She'd only been thinking of being able to surprise Arizona with the occasional gift or trip, but now it was an impediment to finding where she was. "She must have changed where her worker's comp and disability checks are being deposited to be that account. I hadn't even noticed they hadn't been deposited last week like normal."

"Well, that does make it a little more complicated. I was hoping to be able to track her down through payments." Her investigator, Roger Bernard, sounded weary on the other end.

"If it was as simple as looking at a charge card record for a motel, I could have done that on my own," Callie said sharply. "I'm paying you—and your services aren't exactly cheap—but I'm paying you to find her because it's not simple. Can you do this or are you just pulling the wool over my eyes? Because so help me, if you are, I'll take you for all your worth. I have an incredibly good lawyer."

"No, no, I can handle it. It'll just take some time and I know you're anxious. I'll hopefully have something for you in a day or two, but it might take a little longer, too. I promise you," he said, his voice now seeming more full of emotion after her threat, "that I will find your wife."

"Okay," Callie said, the fight leaving her just as quickly as it had come.

"I'll call you when I know something." The line then went dead.

Callie sighed heavily, her eyes focused on the bulletin board in the attendings' lounge, but not really seeing any of the announcements. "Dammit Arizona, where the hell are you?" she asked quietly.

"She left?"

Callie spun around at the sound of Alex's voice behind her. He looked at her with that expression like someone had kicked his puppy and it pissed her off. "Yeah, Alex, she left. She left me. Me. Not you, not this hospital, not Sofia—well okay, she left Sofia, but I know that wasn't her intention. But no, she left me. She blames me for everything, so of course I couldn't help her get better. So, she just left." She reached up out of reflex to grab onto the ring that hung from her necklace. "And I don't know where she is," she whispered.

"Dude, look, I'm sorry. I really am. But if she left, then maybe you need to let her go." He frowned just a little as he shrugged.

"I am. I will. I mean, not permanently, of course, but I know she needs some time on her own. For the last few months she's had no control over her life, not since the moment that plane started to crash. She's so type A and she's had zero control. I can't imagine how hard that's been. So of course she took off. It's the only reason that makes any sense at least. This is her way of taking that control back. She needs to get better on her own. She needs to want to get better on her own, for herself, not for me, and not even for Sofia. So of course I'll let her have that time. I just want to be able to keep an eye on her, make sure she's okay, is all."

"Okay."

Callie's brow furrowed at his curt reply. "Okay?"

"Yeah, okay. You find her and I'll help keep an eye on her with you."

"You will?" While Alex certainly cared for Arizona, it seemed a little out of character for him to make such an offer.

"It's my fault she was on the plane in the first place. I'm the one that didn't take the time to get all the information when she started crashing. And I'm the one who cut off her leg. My fellowship sucks without her and she still has so much to teach me. Barnett's a dick and I'm doing all his work. I'm not going to be stuck here for two years without her." He looked at her as if it was all clear as day. "So, you find where she is, and then if we need some kind of stake out schedule or something, I'm in."

"Stake out?" Callie chuckled quietly as she envisioned them in the back of a van with surveillance equipment.

"Well, I'm not talking CIA or FBI, but, you know, whatever you think is needed. I'm there for you. And for her." He tilted his head and gave one of his best innocent grins. "You guys are my family. You're like my—"

"Don't you dare say moms," she said as she squinted at him. "We've, well, you know." She shuddered at the memory of the time they slept together.

He laughed then. "Okay, I won't. But you know what I mean."

Callie walked over and put a hand on his shoulder. "You're a good guy, Karev. I don't care what anyone says."

She then started to walk out of the lounge as she heard him call after her, "Who said what?" She just laughed as she waved to him over her shoulder and walked back out into the halls of the hospital.

* * *

"So?" Teddy asked as she used her cheap chopsticks to pick up a hunk of chicken from the paper cartoon of Chinese food.

"So, what?" Arizona asked as she played with the food in her own takeout container. She finally looked over to where Teddy sat on the motel's couch.

"You've been quiet since I picked you up. How'd the appointments go?"

Arizona sighed and shrugged as she picked up a tiny ear of corn and regarded it. "The prosthetist was okay. He took a million measurements and got me to try a leg that was kind of close." She could feel tears starting to prick at the corner of her eyes so she blinked them away. "It felt really strange." She forced herself to smile, but she felt nothing but sadness really. "But I stood."

"That's great, Arizona," Teddy said in that forced enthusiastic tone Arizona had heard all too many times since being rescued from the woods.

Now the tears were back and no amount of blinking was going to quell them. She reached up and used her thumb and middle finger to wipe them away. "I've got no choice, right? Callie took that from me."

"Arizona," Teddy chided.

"No, she did. Look, I get that we surgeons make mistakes and those mistakes have consequences. Sometimes people die, sometimes they lose limbs they might not have had to lose. But there are consequences, both for the patient and the doctor."

Teddy's eyebrow rose. "So, instead of suing her you've left her? Somehow I think she would prefer a summons."

Arizona let out an unbidden soft snort. "Probably. But, still, I just need some time and space. Lots of time and probably even more space."

"Okay, okay, I get that. But you're going to have to forgive her sooner or later."

"At this rate it'll be later," Arizona admitted. As mad as she still was with everything, with Callie especially, she knew it wouldn't last forever. It just couldn't. But that didn't mean it was going to be easy to get there. "Very much later."

Teddy nodded as she poked at her food. She then looked up at Arizona again. "So, anything else today of note?"

"Well, the pain specialist was an ass but he approved my dosage and we've got a plan. He wants me to go back to the orthopedist to make sure there are no neuromas causing my pain, especially when I told him there was some sharper pain when I tried the socket today."

"It is a little concerning that you're still so uncomfortable after all this time," Teddy noted.

"Well, a lot of it is that stupid phantom pain. And it's more when I'm trying to sleep, although after just that little bit with the prosthetic today, it was definitely bothering me. That's why the pain guy was pretty free with the meds. Both he and Pete—that's the prosthetist—said the first few weeks of getting adjusted to a prosthetic can be the worst. Lots of skin pinching and stuff until you develop a tolerance. But, still, I need to find a new orthopedist to check for neuromas. God I hope I don't need more surgery."

Teddy nodded. "Okay, so prosthetic fitting, check. Pain management check. How about the elephant in the room?"

Arizona dropped her chopsticks and sighed loudly. "Yes, I saw the shrink. Surprise, surprise, I'm a little depressed, but who the hell wouldn't be?"

"A little?"

"Yes, a little. An understandable little she said."

Teddy got up from the couch and came over to take the carton away from Arizona. "You put on your happy face for her, didn't you?"

"And if I did?"

"Arizona, you can't lie to your shrink. You know that!" Teddy closed up both containers and placed them in the small fridge before looking back at her friend. "How is she going to treat you if you pretend you're doing better than you are?"

"I don't want her treatment," Arizona mumbled. Seeing a psychiatrist was probably actually the worst of it. She'd never been one to open up about her feelings to others. She preferred to work through things herself when she could. It was probably from growing up around Marines. They were tough and took the bull by the horns when the chips were down. She wanted to do that, too, and not rely on someone with a kind word and a penchant for Freud or Jung. Figures she found one purely by accident that specialized in those stupid stages of grief, too. The woman had tried to tell Arizona that she was just grieving the loss of her leg, that she was in the anger phase but that it would pass. But Arizona knew it was far more than that. She was grieving the possible end of her marriage, of her family, and that terrified her at the same time it depressed her. But she wasn't about to show that to mousy little Dr. Webb. "It's not going to help."

"You need to talk to someone."

"I'm talking to you," Arizona countered. "Really, this is big. You know that."

"And I appreciate that you're talking to me," Teddy said as she sat on the edge of Arizona's bed. "It means a lot to me that you trust me enough to let me in and to let me help. But I have to leave in two days and then who will you have? If you won't go back to Callie, who are you going to talk to? I can't just leave you to rot in this motel room."

"I'm not going to rot. I have appointments and therapies to go to. And, yes, I'll continue to go see Dr. Webb, I promise. And I'll try to be a little more open with her."

"Good," Teddy said with a smile. "Now, how about I go get us a movie from the Red Box at the office?"

Now Arizona's smile was a little less forced. "That sounds good. Something stupid and not romantic. And no dramas."

"Sounds like a recipe for an SNL alum. I'll be right back." She went over and grabbed her wallet from her purse before heading out the door, leaving Arizona alone in the quiet of the outdated motel room.

Her head fell back wearily on the pillows and this time she let the tears fall. "Damn, what am I going to do?" It all felt like so much—so many doctors' visits, so many problems to solve. But she'd never been one to back down on a fight when it counted. And she wasn't about to start. "Well, maybe I'll start fighting tomorrow," she whispered to herself with a dry laugh. "Or next Monday. You always start something new on a Monday, right?"

TBC…


	4. Chapter 4

**The Place You Alone Can Fill**

**By AmboDriver**

**Disclaimer:** As usual, I don't own anything. I'm just playing around with them. They are owned by Shondaland, ABC, and probably a lot of other really rich folks.

**A/N: **I know it's been a while since I posted to this, so just as a reminder, this is now an A/U story because I went with the idea that Arizona's vitals crash wasn't actually caused by her infection, it was caused by a strange presentation of a pulmonary embolism, so she's extra mad at Callie for making the call to cut off her leg, because that wasn't the problem (well indirectly it was, but not directly). And she knows Karev did the surgery, too.

Thanks for the reviews. I realize this isn't everyone's cup of tea and I appreciate that so many of you are willing to take this really bumpy ride. It'll be worth it in the end, of course, but it's going to be rough for the next while. All thanks to you guys for taking this trip with me.

Okay, now that that's done, let's get back to this.

* * *

**Chapter 4**

Callie answered her phone, recognizing the investigator's phone number instantly. "Torres," she said by way of greeting.

"Dr. Torres, this is Roger Bernard, how are you?"

"Frustrated that I haven't found my wife yet. How do you think I am?" She stopped herself, realizing that this man didn't need to be the recipient of her frustrations. "Look, I'm sorry. I'm just worried about her."

"I understand. You probably wouldn't be surprised to hear that you aren't the first person to react like that. I deal with a lot of people who are frustrated. But, I did find your wife and that's why I'm calling."

"You did?" Callie sat up on the couch before she scrambled for a piece of paper and a pen on the side table. "Where is she?"

"The Waterside Motel. It's on the north shore of Lake Union. I've already emailed you the address. She's in room 14."

"How did you find her?" Callie knew Arizona wasn't using her credit or bank cards. She'd been checking them incessantly to see if there was any activity.

"I'd rather not say. Trade secrets and all."

"Okay," Callie drew out slowly, imagining that they probably didn't exactly use the most legal means to get their information and it was probably better that she didn't know. The last thing she needed was to end up as some strange accessory to a crime because she paid someone to dig into her wife's financial records.

"We also found out which doctors she is seeing at Seattle Presbyterian. I'll be sending you an email in a few minutes with all the information as well as hard copies for your records. My assistant is just getting the last of it together. I did tell you we are very good at what we do."

_Well at least the insane amount of money this is costing me isn't going to be wasted._ "Okay, thank you Mr. Bernard. I'll let you know if I need any more information. You can send me the bill for whatever is outstanding beyond the retainer."

"I'm glad we could be of assistance. Please do not hesitate to call us if you need anything else."

"Thanks," she said before ending the call and sighing.

There was a sense of relief that flooded through Callie as she realized she finally knew where Arizona was. That was probably the worst of it all, that she had had no idea where her wife was hiding, even though she had gotten word that Teddy was with her and that she was safe. But now she had to fight the urge to storm over to the motel and knock on the door. She wanted so badly to see Arizona, but she knew she couldn't press Arizona or any chance they would have to reconcile could be gone forever. No, she would go see her, but only from afar. But she had to be careful. Arizona couldn't see her.

_God, you're turning into a stalker, Callie._ She laughed dryly at the thought but put it aside. If she had to become a bit of a stalker to keep tabs on Arizona until her wife was ready to come home, then so be it.

But first, she needed to make sure she didn't do anything to announce her presence. She used the web browser on her phone to look up the number she needed and then placed the call. "Yes, I'd like to rent a car."

* * *

Teddy folded a t-shirt and placed it into her suitcase. "You really need to call her, Arizona."

Arizona looked over at her friend and shook her head. "I can't, Teddy. What would I say, anyway? That I'm still furious at her? That I have no idea where my life is headed? That I'm not sure I can ever forgive her or be her wife again?"

"Tell her that you're alive. That you're getting help. That you're trying. She already suffered through not knowing where you were or if you were okay when the crash happened, she shouldn't have to go through that again."

"That's low, Teddy. Don't use that against me to make me feel guilty." Arizona felt tears welling in her eyes but blinked to keep them at bay. She just couldn't bring herself to think about Callie's feelings right then. If she did, the dark hole she was teetering next to would swallow her whole and there would be no hope. That would do neither of them any good.

Teddy walked over and sat on the side of Arizona's bed. "I know you don't know what will happen. And as much as I hate to think about it, you may get to a point where you decide that you can't get back together. But until then, you need to keep yourself open to it. You still love her, don't you?"

"It's not that simple, Teddy."

"Do you love her?"

"Teddy," Arizona said, her voice low in warning.

"Do you love her?" Teddy repeated, enunciating each word.

Arizona held Teddy's gaze for a moment, trying to will her to relent in this line of questioning, but when Teddy didn't back down, Arizona was finally the one to surrender. She closed her eyes and let out a loud sigh. "Yes."

"Then call her. I get that things are confusing right now, but don't burn that bridge, okay? You know she loves you desperately. You know she didn't intentionally make the wrong call about your leg. She did what she could, what she thought was best, to try to save your life." Teddy reached out and put her hand on Arizona's clenched fist and squeezed. "She was desperate to save your life because she loves you so much. When she called me after the amputation to ask me to talk to you, she told me she just couldn't imagine living without you. If the tables had been reversed—"

"They were reversed, Teddy. And I fought for her, for what she wanted more than anything in this world. I rolled the dice because I knew she couldn't live if our baby died, so when she was barely hanging on, I fought for her." Arizona sighed heavily, feeling tears prick at her eyes once again. "She didn't give me the chance to fight."

"First of all, you almost lost them both."

"But I didn't."

Teddy shook her head. "No, you're right, you didn't. But you know as well as I do that it could have gone either way. Tell me that those minutes when neither of them was breathing weren't the worst moments of your life."

"I was terrified," Arizona barely whispered as she felt her heart pound purely at the reminder of the panic she felt as Callie lay open on the table, her heart still, while Addison pulled their lifeless daughter from her womb. "But this was different. I wasn't dead."

"Yet."

"Fine, yet. But maybe if she had rolled the dice they would have had time to figure out what was really going on. Instead, she sat in that OR and kept operating on Derek while I was crashing. She never stopped operating, Teddy." That was one of the things she could never wrap her mind around. How Callie had continued on, even after telling Karev to chop off her leg. It all seemed so distant and cold to her.

"I was operating when Henry died," Teddy reminded Arizona, emotion thick in her voice.

"That was different. No one told you what was really going on, and no one thought it was going to go so badly. If anyone had come in and told you that he was crashing, you would have turned the operation over to someone else and gone to him. You would have made sure he had the best care possible. You wouldn't have left him in the care of someone who was doing an operation that wasn't even his specialty. I mean, Karev? Really?"

"Did you ever ask either of them why he was the one to perform it?" She shook her head incredulously. "I mean, I have to admit, having a peds fellow perform an amputation on an adult while she's unstable, especially an adult that he has emotional ties to, is far from ideal. Karev should have gotten Carlson or one of the other ortho attendings to at least scrub in."

Arizona shrugged. She had wondered the same thing but had never been able to bring it up with Callie. Every time she thought about the surgery that took her leg, she felt nauseous and furious all at once. That was far from conducive to finding out the nitty gritty on why her protégé had been the one to make the cut. "No, I haven't asked, and to be honest I don't care. What's done is done."

"Is it done? If it were done, you'd be working on accepting this."

"Teddy, enough," Arizona spat out. "Just stop it, okay? I can't change the fact that my leg is gone. I can't change the fact that two people I love and trust screwed up."

"You're right," Teddy said as she got back up from the bed and went back to packing. "You can't change it, so you might as well come to terms with it. You can't spend the rest of your life angry, Arizona. It's not you."

"I'm not me anymore. I'll never be me again," Arizona said as a feeling of utter defeat fell over her. That was probably the hardest part to admit. If she couldn't be the woman she was before the crash, how could she go back to her former life? How could she stay married to Callie? Or better yet, how could Callie stay married to her? "That Arizona died out on that mountain. This new Arizona, she can stay angry."

"Okay, fine," Teddy said as she tossed her last t-shirt into the duffel bag. "If you want to be a stubborn bitch about it all, there's nothing I can do or say that will change that. But I know you and I still see the old Arizona in there. She's hiding, she's scared, but she's there. And one day, and hopefully soon, she'll find her way back out. And when that happens, you're going to want to make amends and get back to your life. It may never be as shiny and pink as it once was, not after all the loss you've suffered, but you'll want what you can get back. And if you don't watch it, one of the things that you won't be able to get back is your family. Your wife and daughter love you, but if you burn that bridge, you won't be able to cross it when you're ready."

Arizona hated to admit that Teddy was probably right. There was just the tiniest part of her, deep down inside, that wanted to find a way to get back to what they once had, or at least as much as they could with Mark dead and her disability. But there was just so much despair and anger in the way and most of the time it was impossible to see past that. Still, she knew that Teddy was right. There would come a day when she would need to make amends, even if it was only for Sofia's sake. Her daughter still meant the world to her and if she knew one thing for sure, it was that no matter how hard her life was going to be, she needed Sofia in it. "Fine," she finally relented with a huge sigh. "I'll call her and let her know I'm alive and still in Seattle. But I'm not going back."

"Not yet?"

Arizona rolled her eyes. "I don't know. That's the best I can do." She shifted as a sharp pain shot up her leg. "Damn, now see what you did? All this emotion has got my leg throbbing. Can you get me some water?"

Teddy grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge and handed it to Arizona just as she tipped two pills from the prescription bottle. Once the pills were down, she let out a big sigh of relief. It would only be a few minutes before the pills would work and she would be comfortable again.

"Is it hurting you that much?"

"Just every now and then. All the stress can't be helping." She placed the two bottles on the bedside table so they would be easily accessible if she needed them again. "Shouldn't your shuttle be here soon?"

Teddy looked at her watch and nodded. "Any minute now." She then fixed Arizona with her brown eyes. "Are you sure you'll manage? I can take a few more days if you need."

"No, you need to get back to work. And, besides, I need to figure out how to get along by myself. I've got the medical transport number on speed dial and every delivery place's menu right here. I'll be fine. You got me mobile enough to manage."

A car honked outside the door and Arizona felt a sudden sadness hit her. It was hard to say goodbye to Teddy. While she had often felt alone emotionally most of the time since the plane fell through the trees, now she would be physically alone as well. But if she couldn't manage to live on her own and find her own way, she couldn't ever get her life back, whatever that meant now. She needed to do this.

"Guess that's me," Teddy said as she looked over at Arizona with a sad expression on her face.

Arizona got up, pulling the crutches under her arms as she did. She took two short hops over to Teddy and smiled sadly. "Thank you for everything. You're such a great friend."

"Anytime. And seriously, if you need anything, you call." Teddy enveloped her in a tight hug.

"I will," Arizona whispered into Teddy's shoulder, emotion grabbing at her throat. "And I'll call Callie later today. I promise."

"Don't make me come back and hurt you if you don't," Teddy said with a quiet laugh as she pulled out of the hug. "I can tell when you're lying, Robbins. I'll expect a full report."

"Yes, ma'am," Arizona said with a smile and a quick salute. She then felt herself deflate from the momentary humor as the honk sounded again outside the motel room door. "Well, you better get going."

Teddy hoisted her duffel bag on her shoulder and then grabbed her purse. She seemed like she was going to say something but then just shook her head slightly. "You'll get through this, Arizona. And you'll be stronger in the end for it. I know it."

Arizona couldn't find the words to answer, so instead she just nodded and put on a forced smile as her friend turned and left the room. Only when the door shut and the empty silence of the room settled on her, did Arizona let the tears fall. She fell onto the bed, the crutches clattering to the floor, and curled up into a ball. This was it. She was truly all alone now. It was sink or swim, and right then, she felt like she was drowning.

* * *

Callie sat across the street from the motel in her rental car. She glanced at her phone to note that she had been there for over an hour and still there was no sign of anyone coming out of room 14. "This is really pathetic," she told herself, and yet she couldn't leave. She needed to know Arizona was okay. Even if their marriage was over, she would always love Arizona and care about her more than words could say. And that meant she only wanted the best for her. Being in ortho, she knew that meant Arizona needed to literally get back on her feet—or foot really—but walking was by far the first step. "If the only way you can do that is to leave me forever, I'll pay that price. It's my fault, after all. If I had just left Derek's surgery, had someone else close him back up and gone back another day, I could have come out and looked at you and your chart. I might have seen something. Instead…" She couldn't even put those thoughts to words.

She sighed heavily and shifted in the hard seat of the subcompact car. She made a mental note to take the car back and get something bigger. If she was going to be spending time in the damned thing stalking Arizona like an insane ex, she might as well be comfortable. Who knew how long she'd have to sit here until she could see Arizona in the flesh. But she could be patient when she wanted to be, and luckily she had a bladder of steel to go along with that determination.

Her phone vibrated on her leg, scaring her so much that it fell onto the floorboard. She felt around blindly for it. "Damn it," she muttered as she finally grabbed it, pulling it up after what had to be close to the final ring before going to voicemail. As she did she caught sight of the picture she had assigned to Arizona in her contacts and her heart skipped a beat as she frantically swiped at the screen, hoping to answer the call while her wife was still on the line. "Arizona?" she said, her voice louder than she wanted.

"Um, hi," Arizona replied, her voice sounding distant and flat.

"Hi. Are you okay?" Callie's mind struggled to engage and she realized she shouldn't know where her wife was. "Where are you?"

Callie could hear her swallow and sigh. "I'm still in Seattle."

"That's good. How are you doing? I've been worried sick about you." She wanted so much to find out exactly why Arizona left, although she suspected Arizona wasn't entirely sure of the reasons herself, but she held those questions in check for the time being. She didn't want to scare her away. Not when she could finally hear her voice, knowing her wife was probably just across the street as they talked.

"I'm okay I guess. I started therapy."

"That's good, baby," Callie said, wincing as the term of affection escaped her lips. She had to be wary of Arizona's temper, and things like calling her wife by any term of endearment was likely to do just that.

Luckily, Arizona didn't seem fazed. "Yeah, I guess. Look, I just wanted to call and let you know I'm, well, alive."

Callie's breath caught at those words as she thought back instantly to those four long days when she didn't know if Arizona was alive or dead. But now, at least, she knew Arizona was alive and recovering in her own way, even if that recovery wasn't being undertaken where Callie could support her. The best she could do was be supportive of Arizona's wishes. It was the least she could do. "Thank you," she replied quietly. "Arizona?"

"Yeah?"

"I'm not going to say you should come home," Callie began. She had this one chance to say what she needed to say. And down the road, when Arizona was thinking a little straighter, perhaps whatever she said right now would be there as a beacon back, so she needed to do this right. "I know you need time and space. And you need to be the one who is in control of your recovery. I get all that. And I know you're really mad at me and I understand why. I don't blame you for any of that and I want you to know that, even though I'm incredibly upset you're gone, I want you to take the time you need, okay? But if you need anything, and when you're ready, I'm here. I love you, Arizona. Sofia and I love you and we just want you to get healthy and feel better."

There was a long pause on the other end but Callie could hear the soft breaths over the line so she knew Arizona was still there. Finally, her wife's voice came through choked in emotion. "How is Sofia?"

Callie didn't expect Arizona to react directly to her support and wasn't surprised that she changed the subject to their daughter. "She misses you. Do you think maybe you could at least see her? Maybe Bailey could bring her to you. She could bring your car, too. I'm sure that would help you to be able to get to your appointments and things."

"Having my car would help." She let out a dry laugh totally devoid of humor. "I guess I at least got lucky it was my left leg and I don't own a stick shift. But right now I'm relying on paratransport and that's a real pain."

There was something in Arizona's voice that sounded like her wife of old and it made Callie smile. "Okay, and what about Sofia?"

Callie could hear her swallow. "Yeah, I'd like to see her. If you think Bailey would help out."

"She would. You know her. Deep down she's a softee."

"Okay. Can you ask her to call me then? Assuming she agrees."

"I will," Callie said and then suddenly felt a panic rise up in her as she realized that the conversation was likely to end soon.

"Callie?" Arizona's voice sounded so small on the other end of the phone.

"Yeah?"

"Please don't wait for me. I'm not the woman you married and I won't ever be her again. You need to move on."

Callie's breath caught in her throat. Even though Arizona left her wedding ring behind, she never expected her to say something like that. "No, Arizona, you aren't the same woman. And I'm not the same either. People grow and change and that's okay. But I love you and I always will. That's one request I can't fulfill, okay? I love you too damned much and I'm not going anywhere. One day, hopefully soon, you'll realize that while you are different, you're also still the woman I love deep inside, and that is all that matters."

"Callie—"

"No, now don't argue. I'll wait. You do what you need to do and you take the time and space you need, but when you're ready, I'll be right here waiting for you. You are the love of my life, Arizona, and I can't imagine loving anyone else. So I'm not going to move on and I'm not going to leave just because things have gotten really tough. We're married and that's what married people do. They fight for their marriage when the times get bad. So, you fight to get better and I'll fight for us by being stubborn, okay?"

There was no immediate answer and Callie wasn't surprised. She knew Arizona couldn't agree, not yet, but she would eventually. Finally, Arizona just quietly said, "Goodbye, Calliope."

"Goodbye," Callie answered just a split second before the line went dead.

She sat there for a moment, blinking her eyes as tears filled her vision, and just breathed. She wasn't sure whether she should be more hopeful or not at that point, but it had still been good to hear Arizona's voice, to know she was as okay as she could be.

"And she called me Calliope," she whispered to herself as a small smile came to her lips.

TBC…


	5. Chapter 5

**The Place You Alone Can Fill**

**By AmboDriver**

**Disclaimer:** As usual, I don't own anything. I'm just playing around with them. They are owned by Shondaland, ABC, and probably a lot of other really rich folks.

**A/N: **As always thanks so much for reading and reviewing (hint, hint). It's wonderful to know many of you are on board for this version of the amputation aftermath. As I keep saying, it may be dark now, but you know what they say about it being darkest before the dawn, right?

* * *

**Chapter 5**

Arizona sighed heavily. "Look, Dr. Webb, I'm not sure what you want me to say."

Her shrink leaned forward in her chair, leaning her elbows on her knees. "Can we not stand on formality? Please, call me Rachel."

"Okay, that's fine. But that still doesn't make it any easier to figure out what you want me to say, Rachel," she reiterated, enunciating her therapist's name this time.

"I want to know why you think you left Callie. You're not five, so answering 'because' isn't sufficient," Rachel said in that steady and quiet voice all therapists seemed to employ.

Arizona knew full well why she left, but she just didn't want to admit it out loud. She tapped her fingers against her thighs, her aggravation needing some outlet. The silence was deafening, and Arizona remembered from her psych rotation that psychiatrists often used such heavy pauses in the conversation to goad their patients into finally answering. As much as she wanted to fight it, she knew it was pointless. "I'll never be the woman she fell in love with. That Arizona is dead."

"What if she isn't? What if she's just hiding?"

"No," Arizona said as she shook her head.

"How do you know, Arizona? Maybe you just need time to heal, both physically and emotionally. Once you're back on your feet, literally and figuratively, and you learn how to live this new life of yours, she could reappear. She might even want to reappear. Don't you think that's possible?"

Arizona shook her head again. "She can't reappear, Rachel. She can't."

"Why not?"

"Because it hurts too damned much," she bit back. She felt tears flooding her eyes and she wiped at them angrily. Arizona took a few moments to just breathe and regain some measure of composure. Finally, she looked at her therapist and said, "It hurts so much more for this to be happening to that Arizona than to this new Arizona. She was happy and loved life. She saw such wonder in everything. I can't let her reappear, because this is so much more tragic and painful when it happens to her than to what I've become."

"So it's a protective measure?"

"I guess."

"And what would happen if this did happen to the old Arizona. Hypothetically."

Arizona folded her hands in her lap as she looked down, her eyes instantly moving to the stump of her left leg. For a moment it was like she could see her whole leg still there, a slightly bony knee poking out through the material of her yoga pants. _It's just a trick of your mind. The same damned trick that makes it feel like it's still there. _She closed her eyes, to try to chase the vision and feelings from her mind, but it just didn't really seem to work. Finally, she opened her eyes and looked over at her therapist. "It would mean everything she believed in…" She took a breath and added in almost a whisper, "Everything I believed in…" She then looked up at the ceiling as she felt tears stinging her eyes. "It would mean all that was a lie."

"I'm glad you don't want that to be a lie. Arizona, it's okay that you were idealistic and that you had hope and joy in life. You can feel that again. Just because you lost your leg doesn't mean that will never be the case again. Once you're used to it—"

"I'll never be used to it. I don't want to be used to it."

Rachel nodded slowly. "I know. But sometimes we can't always get what we want. Time will heal some of these wounds."

"It won't give me back my leg," Arizona shot back.

"No, it won't. But it'll give you your mobility back. You'll be able to walk, run, operate. You'll be able to chase your daughter around the playground with enough time and practice. Don't you want to do that?"

Arizona wasn't sure what she wanted, if she were being honest. And she certainly wasn't ready to say it out loud, because then she would be beholden to that. No, right then all she wanted to do was get out of there, to avoid this discussion, and have time to build up her defenses again. This was all digging too deep, and she hated it, hated that Dr. Webb was countering every argument she came up with. She just wanted control of her life and the old Arizona hadn't had that control. She had been at the mercy of a plane that fell out of the sky. She hadn't been able to save Mark in the end. And she hadn't been able to come home whole to Callie and Sofia. "I've got to go. I have a pain appointment."

"Okay, we'll work more on this Wednesday."

"Lovely," Arizona said as she pulled herself to a standing position and put the crutches under her arms. "I guess I'll see you then."

"You will."

Arizona hobbled out into the hallway, relieved to be free of the accusations in her shrink's office. Once she was in the hallway, she fell back against the wall, taking pressure off her arms, and let out a deep breath. Her leg was hurting more and more with every passing moment and a sharp pain was now shooting up from the foot that no longer exists. "Damn," she muttered through clenched teeth as she frantically dug through her purse for her bottle of oxy. She pulled it out and shook out one of the little yellow pills. She looked at it for a second and then shook the bottle until a second pill landed in her palm. Before she could really think it over, she popped the two pills in her mouth and swallowed them dry.

"Now to convince the pain doc to actually give me the dosage I need and not the one he thinks will cut it," she muttered as she dropped the bottle into her purse and took a deep breath. She then stood up straight and resettled the crutches under her arms before beginning to hop toward the elevator and her next appointment.

* * *

"Hey, Bailey, can I ask you a huge favor?" Callie asked as she came into the scrub room where Miranda was scrubbing out of a bowel resection.

"I can't stop you, Torres."

Callie sighed. She was tired, so very tired, and sometimes Bailey's dry tone could be trying. "I talked to Arizona and while she doesn't want to see me, she said she'd like to see Sofia. So, I was wondering if I could get you to take her over to the motel. And maybe drop her car off, too."

Bailey looked over at Callie, an eyebrow raised in that way she had. There was a long pause before she finally rolled her eyes. "Of course I'll help. Sofia needs her mama and it'll have to help Arizona to see her."

"My thoughts exactly."

"So you spoke with her? I'm guessing it didn't go so well."

Callie sighed as she leaned back on the scrub sink. "Well, if you count her telling me to move on and not wait for her as not going so well, I guess you're right. She thinks she's not the woman I married and doesn't want to tie me to her. That's such bullshit."

"She'll come around." Miranda turned the water off and started drying her hand with a towel. "Did she tell you anything about how she's doing?"

"She's in therapy, so I guess she's getting set up with a prosthetic. She didn't really say much else." She didn't want to let slip that she actually knew more than Arizona had told her thanks to her private investigator. "I got ahold of Teddy but she wouldn't tell me anything much other than that she thinks Arizona will get over her anger sooner or later and come back to me. I'm not sure how long eventually is, but I'm willing to wait as long as it takes."

"That's very dedicated of you."

Callie rolled her eyes. "Okay, I know you hate getting dragged into this and I know how much you hate to hear about my private life, but I just need a friend, Miranda. I need some help. Arizona needs some help. You know she's better off back with her family. She'll have a better recovery that way."

"I'm not saying anything. So I guess I should just give her a call to arrange this?" Bailey said as she tossed the towel in the laundry bin.

"Yeah, I think that's best. And if you could maybe let me know how she's doing? And make sure she's staying at a decent place?"

"You want me to spy."

"Well," Callie said with a shrug, "spying is a bit harsh."

"Look, I'm friends with you both and because of that I have to respect both of you. If Arizona asks me not to say anything to you, I won't say anything." Bailey put her hand on Callie's forearm and looked up at her. "But if she doesn't say not to say anything, I'll give you a full report."

Callie smiled brightly. "Thanks, Bailey. You're the best."

Miranda shook her head with a dramatic sigh. "I've become a softie in my old age." She then walked out of the scrub room, leaving Callie all alone.

"Thank God for that," Callie said under her breath with a quiet laugh before pushing off of the sink and heading off to her own surgery.

* * *

Arizona hopped into the PT room and smiled at Brandon and Pete. Brandon was standing on just his prosthetic, his good leg off the ground behind him. "Arizona, I'm balancing," he called out to her as she came fully into the room.

"I see that Brandon. Good job," she said back to him, her voice sounding far happier than she felt.

"At this rate he'll be playing hopscotch by the end of the month," Rob said to her as she came over to sit next to him in the waiting area.

She fell heavily into the chair and let out a sigh of relief. Today had been trying. First the therapy session with Webb and then her fruitless attempts to get her pain manager to increase her dosage had her patience at a razor's edge. "He's doing really well," she said, this time her voice sounding a little more like she felt.

"Rough day, huh?"

"You could say that. I was never a fan of Washington's pain management law, but now that I'm the patient, I despise it. They're all so paranoid about addiction that they don't ever offer enough medication to really mitigate the pain. So instead there are a bunch of truly miserable people with delayed recoveries. How am I supposed to get on with my life when my leg is killing me all the time?" She reached down to massage her thigh, which was clenched up due to the pain shooting up from her non-existent lower limb.

"Man, I'm sorry. That's gotta suck." Rob looked over at Brandon before looking back at her. "He luckily never really had much of a problem with pain."

"He's very lucky." She couldn't believe she was jealous of Brandon, but she wished she had been one of the few that had an ideal recovery without phantom pain and threats of neuroma. "It's just been getting worse the last few days."

"It's probably all the PT," Rob offered.

"I suppose." She took a deep breath and let it out. It was probably better if she didn't think about it as much. Perhaps then it would go away. "Anyway, how are you?"

"Good. Busy. Work's been crazy lately. I have to get as many hours as I can to pay for Bran's treatment. Medicaid only pays for so much."

"Well busy can be good, and I know how little Medicaid will pay. I've fought with them on a number of occasions." She looked back over to watch Brandon go through his paces on the step machine. "If you aren't too busy, I'd like to take you guys out for a meal sometime. My treat. Maybe we could meet up for lunch before therapy one day?"

Rob shook his head. "I don't think I can make it. I usually can barely get away for these sessions. But sometimes Brandon has an early appointment with his other doctors and then he's free for a bit before these sessions. Maybe you and he could have lunch on one of those days. If you want that is."

"You'd be okay with that?" she asked.

"Sure. I mean you're a surgeon and all. And I know we've only known each other for about a week, but I like to think we're becoming kind of friends." He smiled over at her. "I trust you with him."

"Okay, then that sounds like a plan. I'd love to take him out for lunch sometime." She knew it would be good to have some time with Brandon, to get a dose of his optimism and hope. The only time she ever felt like there was any hope, it seemed, was when she saw Brandon and Rob. It was just so hard to be morose and hopeless when there was a ten year old kid who was fighting so hard to overcome his disability and live a normal life. If he could do it, she should be able to, too.

"Great."

They sat there for a few moments before Arizona let her curiosity get the better of her. "Rob, can I ask exactly how Brandon got shot?"

Rob's face went very still for a moment and he seemed to be calming himself before he answered. "It was a random shooting. Some turf war or other. I try not to get mixed up in all that. He was outside playing with a few friends and some guy drove by and shot a few bullets. Brandon got hit twice. He was lucky that the shot to his abdomen didn't kill him the docs said. But because he lost so much blood they had to just amputate his leg. They couldn't save both his life and his leg."

"Yeah, sometimes it works out like that," she said, flashing back to the day she first came back to the hospital from Africa and a young girl that Karev saved from a similar fate. "What about the other kids?"

"Other kids?"

"You said he was playing with friends. Did any of them get shot?"

"No. No one else was hit. Just Brandon," he said quietly. He frowned and seemed distracted for a few moments as he stared off into space. And then his eyes seemed to focus and he smiled brightly, "Hey Bran, how would you like to go out for lunch with Arizona?" he asked his brother as the young boy came over.

"That would be rad," Brandon replied. "How are you today, Arizona?"

"I'm good," she lied. "How about you? You look like you've got balancing and that stairmaster thing down pat."

"Yeah, I can climb three flights without missing a step and I balanced for a whole minute," he said, his chest puffing out proudly.

She laughed, even though it was forced. "I'm not sure I can balance on my good leg for a whole minute, so that sounds pretty awesome to me. I'm glad to hear you want to go to lunch with me. Maybe we can set something up for next week."

"That would be cool. Can we go somewhere besides the cafeteria? They have lousy hamburgers." He frowned almost comically.

"Sure. You pick and we'll figure it out. I should have my car by this weekend so we can even maybe arrange for me to pick you up at home." She turned to Rob. "I could bring him to therapy afterward and then give him a lift home if you'd like a break."

"No," Rob answered quickly. He then laughed to obviously deflect the sharp response. "No, that's okay. I like to come and see how he's doing." He stood up and grabbed the backpack on the ground next to him. "Well, we should get going. I don't want to cut into your time with Pete. We'll see you on Wednesday and work out a time for lunch, okay?"

"Okay," she said, feeling like he was trying to rush or avoid something, but she couldn't quite put her finger on it. _He's probably just embarrassed about where they live and doesn't want me to see it._ She could understand how tough that would be, especially because Rob seemed like such a good kid with a lot of pride in how he was taking care of both of them. "I'll see you both on Wednesday."

"Bye," Brandon called out as he turned and ran for the door, seemingly unaffected by the prosthetic in how easily he moved.

Both boys were gone before she could say anything else, so she turned her attention to Pete. "He's an amazing kid. The balancing and running and all that."

"He is. And you'll get there, too," Pete said as he walked over to his desk. He pulled a box down off the shelf and placed it on the desk. "And the first step is getting you on your own leg. It came in this morning."

She got up, placing the crutches under her arms, and hopped over to the desk. There in the box was a brand new prosthetic, the metal shining in the light from the fluorescents of the lab. "Oh yay," she said, her voice as flat as she felt, "my leg." She probably should have felt a lot more enthusiasm, but at that point in time all she could do was say the words she was supposed to say, even if they were devoid of feeling. Anything more was just asking too much.

TBC…


	6. Chapter 6

**The Place You Alone Can Fill**

**By AmboDriver**

**Disclaimer:** As usual, I don't own anything. I'm just playing around with them. They are owned by Shondaland, ABC, and probably a lot of other really rich folks.

**A/N: **Wow, so sorry this hasn't been updated in almost forever. Life has just been getting in the way and not really in a good way at all. But I'm hoping to update this and my other story more frequently (or as much as my grad class work allows). I doubt I could do much worse!

I do so appreciate your reviews and thoughts. They help motivate me to want to write even when I don't always accomplish that.

Now as a little reminder what this story is all about and where we are (since I know how hard it can be to remember stories after even a small break let alone 2 months):

This is an alternate season 9 story where Arizona has left Callie at least partially because Callie's decision to allow the amputation turned out to be the wrong one (it was actually a pulmonary embolism and not sepsis causing her problems). Arizona is working on getting her life back on her own—albeit in a rather depressed way—has started PT, and even met 2 brothers, the younger of whom is also recovering from a leg amputation suffered after being shot in a turf war.

Remember? Hope so. If not, feel free to refresh your memory by going back a chapter or two.

And I promise there will be more interaction between Calzona starting here and going forward. And we're almost at the big turning point, too, when things will start to get better.

* * *

**Chapter 6**

"Who knew I'd ever wish I could pace?" Arizona felt like she was going to crawl out of her skin as the seconds ticked by. "Come on Bailey, where are you?"

Arizona looked over at the clock on the bedside table, noting that it wasn't even ten yet, so it wasn't like Bailey was late getting there with Sofia. She was just being impatient. It struck Arizona then that this was actually a good thing. "I bet my shrink would love it that I'm actually excited about something," she muttered to herself as she shifted on the bed, feeling the skin of her left thigh rub against her new socket. It still felt so completely strange to have this dead weight strapped to her body. The constriction of the Velcro strap around her thigh was also annoying, like she had some strange garter belt on. _A very unsexy garter belt, _she thought with a heavy sigh.

She readjusted the socket, trying to find a slightly more comfortable position, but it seemed rather hopeless. Instead, she reached into her purse and pulled out her bottle of oxy, taking one prophylactically so that she wouldn't be in pain during her visit with Sofia. She swallowed it dry, cringing as the pill slid down her throat, but then sighing as she almost felt an instant—and obviously psychosomatic—relief of her pain. "Just need to take the edge off," she muttered to herself.

It was ironic, really. As much as she was hurting, both physically and emotionally, she knew that Sofia was hurting, too, without the power to understand what was going on. It was probably the worst bit of this whole situation, but deep down Arizona knew she needed this time away if she was going to have any hope of being her mother again. And while she wasn't sure about her future with Callie, she knew she would always, always be Sofia's mother.

A knock on the door caused her to jump, although she wasn't sure if the sudden rush of her heartbeat was due to the surprise or the excitement of seeing Sofia in a few moments. "Coming," she called out as she stood, pulling her crutches under her arms. While she now had her own custom prosthetic, she still had a long way to go before being able to walk with even just a cane. Pete said it would be at least two more weeks if she was diligent in practicing, but right then as she put her weight on the artificial limb, she felt like she'd never have the decent sense of balance she would need to walk without the security of her two crutches. And she certainly couldn't operate with crutches under her arms. And worse, she couldn't carry her own daughter.

It took a few moments for her to move the short distance from the corner of the bed to the door. She reached for the door handle, but then stopped, the thought that maybe Callie would have gotten the location from Bailey and come herself crossing her mind. She wasn't sure she could handle seeing her wife just then. She moved over to the peep hole, looking out and then down to find two brunette heads, one adult and one toddler, just on the other side. Unless Callie was squatting, it was definitely her height-challenged friend on the other side.

She whipped the door open, a smile coming unbidden to her lips as she looked out and saw Sofia sitting on Bailey's hip. "Hi, baby girl," she said, her smile fading just a little as Sofia looked over at her and then quickly buried her face in the crook of Bailey's neck.

Bailey shifted a little uneasily from foot to foot and then just sighed. "At this age…"

"I know. I wonder if she remembers me at all." Arizona moved back and held the door open so that Bailey could come into the room. When she was in and the door was closed, Arizona said, "Thanks for bringing her, though."

Bailey looked around the room before fixing her gaze on Arizona. "She's already lost one parent. She shouldn't lose a second."

The accusation in the simple words stung, but Arizona knew it was true. And she was far from proud of it. "I won't be gone forever," she said, closing her eyes and taking a deep breath. "At least not from Sofia's life. But I need to be better. I can't be her mother until then."

"If you say so," Bailey replied, clearly a little aggravated with Arizona, but holding it back just enough to not be blatant. She then took a deep breath and smiled. "It's good to see you, Arizona."

"Thanks. Good to see you, too." She smiled at Bailey, feeling how forced and awkward this social interaction was. It all seemed just so foreign to her and gave her even more of the sense that her life was forever altered. Gone was the happy, comfortable, extroverted Arizona. She had been replaced by this shell, this damaged and bitter shell.

Sofia finally looked up then, peeking out from under Bailey's chin and giving Arizona an excuse to focus on something else besides her own dark thoughts. "Hi, Sofia. Do you remember me? I know it's been a while since I've seen you." She took a hesitant step forward and smiled as Sofia's head popped up from Bailey's shoulder. "That's my little angel. I'm…" She stopped then and shook her head, not really feeling like she could call herself Sofia's mama right then. _Maybe I've lost that right. _

"It's your mama," Bailey said then in that sing song voice adults used with small children.

Arizona's throat clenched as she nodded. "I'm here, Sofia," she said softly as she moved a little closer to her daughter. For a moment Sofia's big dark eyes—eyes that so reminded her of Callie—just blinked at her, but then one chubby fist reached out for her and she instantly felt tears coming to her eyes. "I've missed you," she whispered.

"Sit down," Bailey said as she moved out of the way, leaving Arizona a clear path to the bed.

Arizona followed the order, slowly making her way the few steps to the bed and then falling heavily on it. She moved her crutches out of the way and then looked up at Bailey, reaching out for Sofia. "Can I hold you?" she asked, trying hard not to frown at the apprehension in her daughter's eyes.

Bailey gently handed her over. As Arizona grabbed the toddler under her arms, she was surprised at how much she weighed until it occurred to her that she hadn't held her since she was in the hospital. Two months was a huge span in the development of a toddler. "Hi, baby girl, you've gotten so big." She pulled her into her arms and nuzzled at her cheek, smelling the hint of baby powder that always seemed to waft around any toddler. "I've missed you," she whispered again.

For the next few minutes she focused solely on Sofia, forgetting that Bailey was even in the room. Instead, she snuggled and tickled the little girl, smiling when she laughed and feeling like a weight was being somewhat lifted from her shoulders. Finally, though, Sofia began to squirm in her arms as she tried to climb off Arizona's lap. "You want down, huh?" She lowered her to stand next to the bed and then gasped as Sofia immediately toddled off to explore the motel room. "She's walking so well," she said wistfully, sad not only that she had missed the milestone in her baby's life, but that it was also a reminder of all that she herself had lost. _She can walk better than I can._

"She started walking before you left," Bailey said from where she was sitting on the couch.

"She did?" Arizona tried to remember if Callie had said anything, but there had been such a wall of silence between them once Arizona had come home that it was possible she had withheld that information, or maybe Arizona had simply been so deep into her own grief that she hadn't heard the news. Arizona looked up at Bailey, seeing the mix of pain and slight reproach on her face and sighed. "Say it."

"It's not my place to say, and besides I'm sure you know." Bailey looked over at Sofia for a moment before turning back to Arizona. "Okay, maybe I do need to say it," she said in a rush as she leaned forward toward Arizona. "You're being incredibly selfish, you know that? I get that things with you and Torres suck and I get that you've been through some horrific trauma, Arizona, but that little girl needs you. Her daddy is gone and she doesn't understand why. Her mama isn't around and she doesn't know why. All she has left is a mother who is distraught about losing two of the people she loves most in this world. She's gone from being part of three of you parenting that little girl to being a single mother. You need to stop punishing her for her mistake, Arizona. Even if it's only for Sofia's sake."

It wasn't like she hadn't opened the door for that, but it still stung, probably because every word that Bailey said was true. She did realize she was being selfish, but sometimes being selfish wasn't necessarily the worst thing. And really being selfless could just lead to losing yourself for the sake of others, and she was already lost enough as it was. Until she found out who this post-crash, post-amputation Arizona truly was, she needed to be at least a little selfish. "I'm not doing this to punish Callie." She looked over to where Sofia was playing with a book sitting on the coffee table. "I hate that I'm not in a place where I can be her mother, but I never will be if I don't find my own way."

Bailey looked like she was going to argue, but then she shook her head. "I'm not here to yell or chastise, really."

"Good," Arizona replied a little more harshly than she intended. She had to remember that Bailey was doing her a huge favor. She sighed and forced a slight smile on her face, "Sorry, I'm just…just sorry."

Bailey nodded as she reached over to pull the book out of Sofia's hand before she could chew on the corner of it. "You know, the weather's nice out today. We could go to the park down the street. I know this little one doesn't get much outside time."

Arizona felt a pang of memory as she thought back to that time in the hospital just before she had made Callie promise she wouldn't lose her leg. In a way it was ironic, because at the time she had certainly thought that taking Sofia to the park might be something she may never do. Now, though, as she thought about it, she probably would be able to handle it with Bailey's help. "Sure. That's a good idea. Can you get her into the car seat?"

Bailey stood up and grabbed Sofia, pulling her up onto her hip in a familiar move that any parent knew. She then reached into her purse and pulled out a set of car keys that Arizona recognized. "Why don't you drive?"

Arizona swallowed hard, her brain instantly defaulting to think she couldn't handle it, but then she rolled her eyes at her own defeatist attitude. If she was going to get any sort of life back, she was going to have to learn to have confidence in what she could do, and certainly driving was something she could handle. After all, if there was any luck involved in her injury, it was that it had been her left leg that had snapped like a twig when they crashed. She could at least still drive without having to relearn how. "Okay," she said as she stood and reached out for the keys.

Arizona grabbed her crutches and slowly walked behind Bailey out into the parking lot. After putting her crutches in the backseat of her Audi, she slid into the driver's seat, pulling her left leg in with a little effort, and then sighing loudly. It had been months since she had been in this car, months of pain and loss and confusion and anger. If only she could go back to the last time she had sat behind this wheel, to that weekend before Nick came to town when she and Callie had gotten a night away for a date. That was back when her life was perfect, when she had had everything she had ever wanted and then some. And now with Mark and Lexie dead, her leg gone, nightmares of crashing in the plane and frequent pain plaguing her, and worse of all, the loss of her relationship with Callie, now everything was wrong and alien and painful. Just so full of pain.

Out of reflex she went to reach for her purse to take another oxy, until she remembered that Bailey was sitting right there next to her. It wouldn't do for her to report back to Callie that Arizona needed painkillers. She didn't want Callie to know about those struggles. This was her war to fight after all. "Okay, so are we all ready?" she said, putting on a slight smile that felt anything but true.

Bailey's smile was more genuine as she nodded. "Let's do this, Robbins."

Arizona nodded as she turned on the car. "Let's," she whispered to herself.

* * *

Callie pulled the rental car to a stop in the shade of the oak tree and quickly turned off the engine just as she slid down in her seat to make herself almost invisible from the outside. She could barely see over the dash but her eyes were glued to her wife's car up ahead where it had stopped on the street next to the small city park. Callie was far from proud of herself for following Bailey today so that she could hopefully get a glimpse of Arizona, but she hadn't seen her in weeks. When she had seen them leave the motel room, with Arizona slowly walking on her crutches, it had brought tears to Callie's eyes. As hard as it was for Arizona to be away from her, just seeing the progress she was making made her so proud of her wife.

She had really intended on just catching a glimpse of Arizona, but then as they had gotten in the car, Callie couldn't help but follow to see where they were headed. The visit had been way too short for Arizona to already be driving Bailey and Sofia back to the apartment, so they had obviously decided to go somewhere, and Callie's interest was far too piqued for her to not follow. When they pulled up to the small park with the playground, she had smiled. Of course they would go somewhere for Sofia. As much as Callie was mad and hurt that Arizona had left them, she knew deep down that Arizona would never really leave Sofia behind, not for the long term. There was not a second of doubt that Arizona loved their daughter more than life itself.

She watched over the dash as Arizona had to lift her prosthetic leg out of the car and place it on the ground before she could use the car door to steady herself as she stood. But once she had retrieved her crutches from the backseat, she seemed far more confident as she moved around the car. She was slow, that was for sure, but she managed each step without much obvious effort. The only problem she had was when she had to step up on the curb, using her right leg to take the step and pulling the prosthetic up afterward. Sure, she wasn't running down the street, but Callie knew how hard it was for an amputee to get to where Arizona was. It was only a matter of time and hard work until Arizona was running after all.

Callie sat taller in the seat as Arizona and Bailey settled onto a bench after placing Sofia into the sandbox on the edge of the playground. There were a few other children and parents nearby, but the sandbox was completely empty, so it was natural that Arizona would want to sit there. Callie was sure her wife wasn't ready to deal with strangers.

Callie continued to watch as Arizona and Bailey alternated between talking with one another and focusing on Sofia. She smiled when her daughter got up after a few falls in the sand and made her way over to the two women, her smile apparent even from the distance between Callie's rental car and the park. Seeing Arizona lean down to talk to Sofia and then the happy toddler bouncing and clapping filled her with such happiness. It was almost like she could see the Arizona of old in that moment and she was content that Arizona was doing as well as she could be. She had some hope that maybe, just maybe, her wife would feel well enough soon to want to consider coming home to them.

With a sigh she reached for the ignition, intending to head home so she would be there when Bailey returned with Sofia. But her hand stopped and she jumped in surprise when there was a knock on the passenger window. Callie looked over to find a police officer leaning down to look in the window. He made a rotating motion with his hand and Callie responded with a nod and then quickly turned the ignition enough to get power to the passenger window, which she lowered with the control on her door. "Can I help you officer?"

"Ma'am, can I ask you what you're doing?"

Callie became suddenly nervous at the slight harshness to his tone. She decided it was probably a really bad idea to lie then, as much as being caught basically stalking her wife was horribly embarrassing. "It's kind of a long story, but I'm watching my wife, a friend of ours, and our daughter over there in the park."

"Your wife?" He knelt down and rested one of his arms on the car door. "What has you out here watching them in the park?"

Callie took a deep breath and let it out. "Well, she left me a few weeks ago. I was just making sure she was okay." As soon as the words were out of her mouth, she realized they sounded kind of ridiculous to someone who didn't know the full story. "She was injured recently and that's why she left. I just wanted to see how she was doing."

He didn't look convinced. "Would you step out of the vehicle please?"

"Wait, did I do something wrong? Is it illegal to sit in a car on the street now?" She bit at her lip when she realized she was arguing with a cop and that was likely a bad idea. "I'm sorry, but I just don't understand."

"No, it's not illegal. But I want to make sure you're telling the truth. We've had reports of someone casing public playgrounds in this area of the city. I just need to make sure you are who you say you are."

Callie's heart pounded as she realized what that would mean. "Please, if she knows I was watching her, she'll be furious and it'll destroy any chance I have to get her back. She just won't understand."

"Well, to be honest I don't understand either. Now please step out of the vehicle, Ms…?"

"Torres. And it's Doctor Torres, actually."

"Well, then, _Doctor_ Torres, please step out of the vehicle and come with me. We'll just go confirm your story and then you'll be free to go."

Callie sighed heavily as she turned the car off and grabbed her purse before getting out of the car. Her mind was going a mile a minute, trying to find a way out of being forced to reveal herself to Arizona. "Look, can't I just show you a picture of all of us?"

"No, now please don't make this any more difficult than it needs to be, Doctor Torres. Let's just go over there and confirm your story." He walked over toward her and she noticed that his right hand hovered a little away from his body, as if afraid he would need to pull the gun from his holster at any moment.

Callie let out a dejected sigh and nodded. "Of course, officer." As he turned toward the park and she went to follow him, she couldn't help but mutter under her breath. "Fuck. She's going to kill me."

* * *

Arizona smiled down at Sofia, who was standing in front of her, one chubby hand on each of Arizona's knees. It didn't seem to faze the little girl that one of the knees was definitely not like the other. Instead she bounced happily and then reached her arms up, obviously asking to be picked up by her mother. Arizona's smile became even easier as she leaned down and hoisted the toddler onto her lap. "Boy, you really are sandy, huh? Mommy's going to love it when you get home and sand falls out of every nook and cranny."

"I'm going to make sure I tell your wife that this wasn't my idea," Bailey added.

Arizona turned to her friend to respond but stopped suddenly when she saw her wife and a cop walking up to them. _What the hell?_ She swallowed hard, suddenly feeling her mouth go dry and her heart speed up. She felt like getting up and running away, but of course she was unable to do that. Just that knowledge brought up the familiar anger she held toward her wife and the role she had played in the amputation. "You can tell her now," Arizona finally said coldly as she pushed all her panic deep down and wrapped herself in the cloak of anger, just as she had the entire time between waking up after the surgery and the moment she got into Teddy's rental car to leave.

Callie looked like she was about to cry as she approached and she refused to meet Arizona's eyes. "Um, hi," she muttered when she and the cop got to them.

Arizona nodded and then turned her attention to the officer. "Can we help you?"

"Yes, well, do either of you know this woman?" He looked back and forth between Bailey and Arizona.

Arizona paused for a moment and fixed her eyes on Callie, noticing her wife shuffle from foot to foot. "Yes, we do. She's my wife in fact," she said as she returned her gaze to the police officer. "Is something the matter, officer?"

"No, no, I just wanted to make sure she wasn't some crazy person trying to kidnap one of the kids here is all. Well, thank you very much and I'll leave you all to, well…" He looked around at the three of them and then nodded before turning and walking back toward the street.

"Um, well, Sofia, let's go play on the swings, huh?" Bailey asked hastily as she stood and scooped up Sofia, before quickly leaving Arizona alone with Callie.

Arizona looked at Callie, waiting for her to look up, but instead her wife continued to stare at the ground. Finally, Arizona's anger got the best of her. "What the fuck, Callie?"

Callie shifted from foot to foot for a few seconds before she took a deep breath and looked up. "I just needed to know you were okay, Arizona. I needed to see that you were okay."

"Oh yeah, sure, I'm just hunky dory. I'm at a park visiting my daughter because I can't stand the thought of being at home surrounded by all those memories of a life that is gone. Gone, just like my leg, Callie. Fucking gone." The familiar anger at Callie, her life, the world, just welled up inside her. "And now I see that you're stalking me. Seriously? Why can't you just let it go. You fucked up and I paid the price. Take some of the punishment here, Callie."

"Is that what this is? You're punishing me?" Callie came over and sat down heavily on the bench, but as far from Arizona as she could get. "You don't think every moment isn't punishment for me? Do you think I'll ever be able to truly forgive myself? Arizona, I know I did the best I could with the information I had. But it wasn't enough and I'll never forget that. I'm sorry and I'll always be sorry. But no amount of me apologizing is going to bring your leg back, so we need to find a way to move on."

"No, actually we don't. There's nothing that says we have to move on, at least not together." She balled her hands into fists in frustration. "Why can't you just see that maybe this is it for us? Maybe we can't come back from this?"

There was a hesitant look on Callie's face, like she was waiting for her head to truly be bitten off, but when nothing occurred, she sighed. "Maybe we can and maybe we can't. But we won't know unless we try. Arizona, please, can we just talk for a few minutes. Civilly? I promise I'm not going to try to talk you into coming home or guilt you into anything, okay? I told you that on the phone, and I still mean it."

Arizona felt like she wanted to run, which of course was impossible. It pissed her off that Callie could corner her so easily, that she had no real way to get away if she needed to. And yet, as she looked at her wife she could see fear in her own eyes. "If I asked you to leave, would you?"

"Are you asking?" Callie frowned and sat up straighter, like she was getting ready to stand.

"Answer the question."

Callie seemed to deflate some then as she nodded. "Yes, Arizona, if you asked me to leave, I would. I would go and not bother you again if that is what you wanted. But I hope you'll give me a few minutes to say some things before that."

Arizona thought about letting her stay, but she just couldn't face her right now. With a mixture of tears and anger she shook her head. "No, please, just leave."

Callie's eyes went wide in surprise. "Um, well, okay. If that's what you want."

"Oh, so now you're paying attention to what I want, huh? That whole thing about not wanting my leg cut off, well you didn't exactly pay attention to that."

For a moment it looked like she was going to protest but then Callie just nodded and got up, turning abruptly and walking away without saying another word. Arizona let out a huge sigh of relief. She wasn't ready to hear Callie out and she wasn't sure if she ever would be.

* * *

Callie stormed off, feeling her own anger start to bubble beneath the surface. _How can she think I just told Karev to cut off her leg as if it was nothing? I fought for her. God how I fought for her._

Callie stopped, feeling the indignation of Arizona's accusation. She couldn't let this stand. She couldn't let Arizona continue to think it was nothing for Callie to make that decision. And she couldn't let Arizona go another second without telling her what she felt. Callie whirled on her heel and stalked back across the park to the bench, coming to a stop when she was right in front of Arizona. "No."

Blue eyes rimmed with red and wet with tears looked up at her. "No?"

"No, I won't leave until you hear me out." She crossed her arms across her chest and waited a moment, cautious of Arizona's flares of anger, but when her wife just rolled her eyes and looked past Callie to where Bailey was still entertaining Sofia, Callie felt like she was the one about to explode. She sat down on the bench and reached over to forcefully turn Arizona toward her. "You're going to hear me out. You owe me that."

"I don't owe you shit," Arizona spat back, but she didn't turn away.

"Four years of a relationship doesn't earn me shit? Over a year of marriage, of having a daughter together? My God, Arizona, your leg got amputated, not your entire life."

For a moment it looked like Arizona was going to continue to argue but then her head fell. "Okay, say what you want to say."

Callie took a few moments to just breathe and let her anger settle before she spoke. She knew if she let her temper get away from her she might say something that she couldn't take back. And that wasn't what she wanted. "Thank you."

An awkward silence fell between them as they watched one another, each shifting on the bench, obviously uncomfortable with the silence. Finally, Arizona was the one to speak. "What did you want to tell me?"

Callie wiped at the tears welling in her eyes and smiled. "I love you, Arizona. And I will always love you." She took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "And look at you. You're walking."

"With crutches," Arizona cut in, shifting uneasily.

Callie couldn't understand how Arizona could downplay her achievement. Callie had worked with enough amputees to know how truly big it was to get this far. "So what? Today you're walking with crutches and before you know it, you'll be walking with a cane and then without. By this time next year you'll be able to run around after Sofia without even thinking about it. It takes time. Trust me, if there's anything about this that I understand, it's recovery time. And I understand how frustrating it is. Remember how much of a bitch I was when I couldn't walk, when I couldn't hold Sofia for weeks and weeks?"

Arizona smiled a little wistfully. "You weren't a bitch."

"Yeah, I was. Well sometimes." Callie took a breath as she tried to refocus her thoughts. "But what I'm saying is I know how hard this is, and I know you. I know you need to process this and find your own way. I get that you must feel like you haven't had much control lately. I want you to have that control, so today I'm going to walk away and let you have the space you need, okay? I promise, no more following you around or anything. I just needed to see that you were okay."

Arizona swallowed hard. She started to speak, before stopping with a little shake of her head. Then she looked off into the distance over Callie's shoulder. "I'm not the same person I was before and I can't ever be her again."

"I don't want you to be. I'm not the same person either." Sure what Callie had gone through since her wife got on that plane was not anywhere in the same league, but it was still traumatizing in its own right. First the fear of losing her wife and then dealing with Arizona's recovery and setbacks had all affected her deeply. Maybe she didn't have the external scars and changes that Arizona had, but there were any number of internal ones. "But I don't think you're so different that it will change how I feel about you. Or how you feel about me deep down."

Arizona's eyes fell to the bench between them. She was obviously having a hard time keeping Callie's gaze. "What if I can't ever really forgive you for making that mistake? What if I can't be who you need me to be? What if I can't be your wife anymore?" Callie knew it was probably Arizona's biggest fear in all of this.

Callie looked at her wife for a moment and knew then that she needed to trust in their love. It was still there, she was sure of it, even through all the pain and anger, but if she couldn't give Arizona the space she needed, there would never be a chance for them to move beyond this. "If our love and hard work isn't enough, then I will let you go." Her throat tightened at the thought of having to do just that, but she pressed on. "It'll be the hardest thing I've ever done, but if that's what you need, if that will make you happy, then I'll do that for you. But what I won't do is let us be anything other than friends, okay?" She felt tears start to wet her cheeks. "We will always have a daughter together. We will always be tied together."

A new silence fell between them, neither one looking directly at the other. Callie focused on the bench, noticing how the paint was peeling away. She was about to give up on this conversation, thinking that Arizona wasn't going to answer her, that she couldn't commit to that at this point, when her wife finally let out a dry puff of laughter. "It's ironic, really."

Callie's eyes shot up to Arizona's face in surprise. "What is?"

Arizona finally lifted her eyes to meet Callie's gaze, a cautious look of optimism on her face. "That the one who always runs away, can't. Quite literally. Not only can I not physically run—and, yes, I realize I'll get there someday, but still for now I can barely walk—but I can't even run away emotionally." Her eyes fell just below Callie's face to where she knew the chain around her neck held not only her heart pendant but Arizona's wedding ring. "I'm sorry I left the way I did. That was wrong."

"You were hurting."

She nodded. "And I wanted you to hurt, too."

"Trust me, I am." There was no sense denying it.

"I know." Arizona let out a deep breath. "Look, I do need time. I need to figure out my life on my own before I can try to figure it out with you. But I also don't want to totally cut you out." She looked over to where Bailey was now pushing Sofia on the toddler swing. "At the very least for Sofia's sake."

"Okay," was all Callie said in reply. She was afraid to get Arizona off this track. It was the most hopeful thing she had heard from her wife since she had left her to go into Derek's surgery.

"I need my space physically and emotionally. If there's any hope for us, I need this time on my own. So, please, no more following me, okay?"

"No more following," Callie agreed.

"But maybe we can text one another once or twice a day. Just so we know what is going on. And I want to be able to see Sofia again soon. You're right, no matter what happens between us, we still have her, and I need to start being her mother again." Tears suddenly sprang to her eyes. "I promised Mark that I would take care of her for him, for both of us."

Callie felt like someone was squeezing her heart at that moment. The fact that Arizona was going to let her back in and give her a shot to rebuild things, no matter how slowly, meant everything. She would have her shot and that was all she really wanted. "Of course, Arizona," Callie said as she started to reach out to grab Arizona's hand, only to stop a few inches away and slowly draw back. "Okay, a few texts and we'll set up another visit. I'm sure Bailey will help out. Or Meredith or Derek. They've both offered."

"I'm not sure I'm ready to see them. Too many memories," Arizona said softly. "But, yeah, we'll set something up," she whispered almost to herself. Arizona then took a deeper breath and looked up into her wife's eyes, a slightly sad smile playing on her lips. "And I'll let you know how I'm doing, too."

"I'd like that," Callie said with a genuine smile. She hated that just this little pittance of communication was enough to make her happy, but if it was all she was going to get, she would have to take this ray of sunshine for what it was.

Yet another uneasy silence fell between them as they both first just looked at each other and then away, unable to keep that connection going for very long. "So," Arizona finally said to break the silence.

"I'll go now. You take care of yourself and if you need anything, you know I'm here for you. Always." She could only hope that Arizona truly believed that.

Arizona nodded with tears welling in her eyes. Her voice sounded tight when she finally spoke. "I'll have Sofia and Bailey back in a little bit."

"No, take your time. I'll be home all day so whenever they get there it won't be a problem." Callie bit at her lip and started to get up, but then stopped. "I love you, Arizona," she said before swiftly rising to her feet and turning to rush back out of the park. She couldn't stand the pain of the hope she had gotten, especially when she feared that maybe it would be in vain.

Once she got back to her car, she turned back to look at the bench. Arizona was staring after her and Callie could only hope that what she had said had sunk in just a little. She had meant what she said to her wife. If she had to, she'd let her go. But it would be the hardest thing she'd ever done, far harder than telling Karev to cut off Arizona's leg, even harder than telling Arizona what they had done when she awoke from surgery. _But this time I won't give up on you, Arizona. I will fight for you even when you can't. And if I have to give you up, if that is what you really want, this time I'll heed your wishes, even if it'll kill me._

* * *

Arizona stood balanced against her car as she held Sofia, snuggling her under her chin. "So, my big girl, it's time to go back to Mommy. But I promise you I'll see you again, soon, okay? Bailey said she'd bring you back to see me later this week so it won't be so long this time." She kissed the soft cheek, feeling tears sting at her eyes. "I love you so much, Sofia. Don't you forget that. I never meant for this to hurt you and I promise I'll get better for you, okay?"

She hugged her closer, her eyes tracking up toward the fifth floor of their building and to the windows of their apartment. She wondered if Callie was up there, peering down at the scene below, and the thought of that caused the familiar anger to start to bubble deep in her. "Stop it," she whispered harshly to herself as she dropped her eyes back to her daughter, trying to let her presence calm her. "Okay, now you go with Bailey and you be good for Mommy. This is hard on her so you be golden for her, okay? And I'll see you in a few days." She kissed the crown of Sofia's head and took in a deep breath of that soothing baby smell that she always had. "I love you, big girl," she whispered into her ear before looking up at Bailey and nodding to her.

It physically hurt her to have Sofia lifted from her arms and when Sofia looked up at her with those big brown eyes and whimpered loudly as she reached out for her, it just tore Arizona apart. She instinctually started reaching after her daughter, everything in her body telling her to take Sofia and run away, but then she lost her balance and started to fall instead of taking the step she normally would have. It was all she could do to reach out and grab onto the side view mirror of her car, jamming the pointer finger on her left hand painfully, before she fell all the way to the concrete.

"Are you okay?" Bailey's voice held a guarded concern to it.

Arizona couldn't look up. She couldn't see the pity in Bailey's face or the fear or shock that might be on her daughter's face. She fixed her eyes of the dark blue paint of her car and swallowed hard as she took a breath and made sure her balance was secure. She then stood up straight and nodded, her eyes still not rising to meet Bailey's. "I'm fine. I'll talk to you later, Bailey. Thanks again."

"Yeah, sure," Bailey said with a hint of hesitation in her tone. But luckily she didn't say anything else and Sofia didn't make any more whimpering noises as Bailey grabbed the diaper bag off the hood of the car and walked off into the apartment building.

When she was sure they were gone, Arizona looked up at the front door of the building, watching through the glass as they disappeared around the corner toward the elevator. Once Bailey and Sofia were out of her view, she quickly opened the car door and fell hard onto the driver's seat. She went to pull her legs inside without even thinking about it, but the prosthetic caught on the door frame and she let out a loud scream of frustration. "Fuck!"

She tugged on the leg and finally got it up over the edge of the car and safely inside so that she could slam the car door and quickly turn on the car, throwing it into drive and pulling rapidly out onto the road without so much as looking behind her to see if there were any oncoming cars.

A car swerved and missed her and a young woman gave her the finger as she sped past. Arizona's heart raced at the near impact. She quickly maneuvered the car into the lane of traffic, checking all her mirrors out of reflex to make sure she was clear of any other dangers. Once sure she wasn't going to be leveled by another unseen car, she drove on automatic pilot, her mind pushing down the swirl of emotions that threatened to overwhelm her.

Finally, once away from the apartment and the neighborhood she had spent the last few years in, she pulled behind a convenience store and parked next to the dumpster. Once there, she just sat in her car and let the tears fall down her face. All the emotions of the day came crashing in on her then—from seeing Sofia and feeling the guilt of not being with her day to day, to her discussion with Callie and all the frustration and anger that had brought, to the pain and humiliation of the scene outside of the apartment. It was like she didn't know where to turn or what to feel. She was just so full of confusion now, so torn between the new Arizona's anger and pain and the hints of the old Arizona that sometimes bubbled forth only to be smashed down by the reality of her life. That war of feelings was what was eating her up inside, gnawing at every last fiber and threatening to tear her in two. "Why is this so hard?"

It wasn't like she could escape the truth of her life. She would always be an amputee; she would always have part of her missing, and not only the physical part. Out there in those woods, she had lost something in herself, some intrinsic part of herself, and she was pretty sure it was gone for good, just like her leg, just like Mark and Lexie. She understood that she was changed, damaged, broken. She saw it so plainly, but it seemed like everyone else in her life just couldn't. They expected her to be the old Arizona and when she failed at that, there was such disappointment in their eyes that it just added insult to injury.

And worst of all was Callie. Part of her wished Callie would just move on so she wouldn't have to see that disappointment and pain in her wife's face. Arizona knew she could never be the woman Callie had married and the sooner Callie realized that and moved on the better. For both of them.

"She said she would if I wanted her to," she pointed out to herself, as her mind tripped back over their conversation. A dry laugh trickled out then through the tears. "Who am I kidding? Who is she kidding? She won't ever give up." That thought frustrated her and yet the smallest tug at the corner of her lips reminded her that it was nice that Callie could be so dogged in her love. It was something she had always loved about her wife and maybe it was the one hope they had of finding a way through this. If it were up to Arizona, she didn't think she could be resolute enough to make her way back to Callie. But maybe if Callie was the one who could weather this storm, it might just pass them by one day. "But do I want that?" It killed her that she even questioned that, but she just wasn't sure of anything anymore, even her future with Callie.

In frustration she banged her hands against the steering wheeling, letting out a yelp as a shot of pain went up her left hand from the finger she had jammed when she stopped her fall. "Can't anything go right?" she asked the universe. It seemed like no matter what she did, no matter where she turned, everything went wrong. And everything hurt. "Life is pain," she said to herself, hearing the quote from _The Princess Bride_ in her head. "I'm sure as hell not selling anything either. Life is pain, though. It's massive, sucking, hideous pain."

She grabbed her purse and pulled out the bottle of pain killers, tipping first two, and then after a pause a third, out into her hand and swallowing them dry. There was no relief as there had been earlier in the day at just the knowledge that her pain would be subsiding soon. Instead she just sat there with it, feeling encased in loss and frustration and pain. "It's better than feeling nothing, right?" But she wasn't even so sure about that.

What she was sure about, however, was that she couldn't face the loneliness of her motel room just then. But she really wasn't sure what she could do to avoid it. She thought about who she could call to keep her busy for just a little while. _I wonder if Brandon and Rob are free._

She started to dial but then stopped, switching instead to her text messaging app. Something in her made her want to reach out to her wife in that moment, to at least hopefully smooth over an edge or two from earlier.

_Thanks for helping arrange the visit with Sofia today. Bailey said she's free on Thursday to bring her by again. That would be nice._

She sent the message off and then hesitated before typing again.

_I'm glad we're talking again, even if only by text._

A minute after she sent the second message, she received a reply.

_I'm happy you got to see Sofia and we'll set up Thurs. Anytime you want to see her, just say the word. And I'm glad too._

Arizona smiled and reread the text once before closing the app. Maybe it was the relaxing properties of the oxy she had taken or perhaps it was just the small comfort of knowing that Callie hadn't given up on her, even if things were horribly strained, possibly irreparably. Deep down Arizona knew she wanted to try to find her way back to Callie, to her family, she just wasn't sure how to do that or if it would happen. "God I'm just so confused," she whispered harshly as her head fell back heavily on the headrest.

_Enough worrying about all this for today. Just call the boys and see if you can have some distraction from it all for a few hours. Maybe taking a break will help._ She nodded as she made that decision before turning back to the phone application and dialing their number.

"Hi, Brandon," she said when the young boy answered. "It's Arizona. What are you doing this afternoon?"

TBC…

A/N To see the scene Arizona refers to just do a search on YouTube for Princess Bride Life is Pain.


	7. Chapter 7

**The Place You Alone Can Fill**

**By AmboDriver**

**Disclaimer:** As usual, I don't own anything. I'm just playing around with them. They are owned by Shondaland, ABC, and probably a lot of other really rich folks.

**A/N: **I know this is really kind of depressing right now, and this chapter is getting even worse, but I really do promise if you stick with it until the next chapter, there will be a turning point (it'll get worse in the next chapter before it gets there, but things will take a turn for the better by the end, I promise). Really, I do want to work on getting them past everything. Promise!

Thanks for the reviews and PMs (even the critical ones). Those of you still reading this sure are hardy souls (or masochists). I promise to try to make it worth it!

* * *

**Chapter 7**

Arizona pushed the door to the prosthetics lab open with her crutch and then slowly walked through, using her crutches for balance. It had been a long, tiring day already. It had started with a frustrating visit with her orthopedist and then just gotten worse when she met with the pain specialist who was determining the dosages of her medications. First the results from the orthopedist had been nothing but frustrating when he told her there was really no physical reason that he could determine to explain the flashes of pain she suffered a few times a day. She had become frustrated when she felt he was implying she wasn't being honest about her pain. She certainly knew how much her leg hurt after walking on it for only a few minutes and how often she woke at night with pain shooting down past the limb into the leg that no longer existed. She had felt like she needed to school him in how, contrary to the name, phantom pain was quite real. What kind of idiot was an orthopedic surgeon and didn't understand the outcome of his own surgical procedures? She made a mental note to find yet another orthopedist to take over her care. _At this rate I'll run out of doctors in Seattle since I can't use any of the ones at Seattle Grace. _

And the whole thing with the pain specialist had been the cherry on the top of her shitty cake. She took a breath and pushed the memory of that argument out of her head, even as each step irritated her leg and reminded her yet again why she practically needed to beg for any sort of relief. Whether phantom pain or just the pains of getting used to the prosthetic, she couldn't understand how doctors who had never experienced an amputation could act so callous and make her feel like she was going crazy for feeling what she was feeling.

She let out a puff of frustration as she finally looked around the lab and into the open therapy room, watching as Brandon was kicking a ball back and forth with Pete. "Hey, Pelé," she called to him and he looked up to wave at her.

"He's getting pretty good," Rob called over to her from where he sat, feet propped up on his messenger bag, and a tablet lying on his lap.

"He'll be the star on the Paralympics team in ten years no problem," she said as she came over and eased herself into the chair opposite Rob. "How have you guys been?"

"Since we saw you less than 48 hours ago for dinner and a movie? Yeah, not much has happened. How are you today?"

She rolled her eyes. "My pain specialist is being a real stickler and he's in cahoots with my new and soon to be former orthopedist, who is an absolute idiot. The staff at Stanford should be ashamed that he has a diploma from there hanging on his office wall." She leaned down and massaged her thigh just above the socket. "The pain really should be getting better, but it's not."

"I'm sorry to hear that," he said as he put the tablet to the side and leaned forward over his knees. "So they cut your prescription?"

"Not exactly. But he won't increase the dosage or move up the refill date. I'm going to have to ration them carefully to make it." She kind of regretted starting this line of discussion with Rob. She barely knew him and she certainly didn't want to have to explain the real reason behind her pain specialist's reluctance to increase her dosages. Sure she was suffering from PTSD, who the hell wouldn't after what she'd been through, but that was no reason to assume she couldn't be trusted. She was a physician after all, a surgeon. She dealt with pain every day at work and she knew real pain. What she was feeling was as real as it got. "I'll live I guess, but it's not going to help me with my rehab. Walking more than a few minutes at a time really can start to hurt."

Rob watched her wordlessly for a moment and then slid his chair over closer to her. "Look, I like you. You've been really nice to Bran and I think you two are good for one another. He told me last night when we got home that he wants to be a doctor now and I know you're a big part of that. So, I want to help you if I can. What if I told you I could probably help out? I have some acquaintances who might be able to get you some oxy or Demerol."

Arizona's eyes went wide. She knew Rob and Brandon lived in a hard neighborhood, but she would have thought after hearing that Bran was shot in a drug turf war, that Rob would want nothing to do with the dealers and other scum that littered his part of the city. But then again, there was little doubt that he had the opportunity to find her a source. _What the hell are you thinking? That stuff is not only illegal but dangerous. You don't need it. Suck it up._ She smiled at him as she leaned toward him. "Thanks. I appreciate the offer, but I don't want you risking getting involved in that stuff for me and really I can't anyway. I'm a physician. If I don't have a prescription, I don't have meds. It's as simple as that."

He looked at her for a moment and then nodded. "Okay, but the offer stands. Really, it's not a problem and I don't mind taking that slight risk for you. You shouldn't be in pain, Arizona. No one should."

She forced a brave smile on her face. "Probably not, but it'll get better. I know it will."

Brandon ran over to them, a huge smile plastered on his face. "Arizona, I scored three goals on Pete today."

"Hey, I'm an old guy," Pete offered by way of an excuse.

"With two legs," Bran kidded back as she came over and grabbed his backpack from next to the chair where Rob was sitting. "I'm hoping to get to play when I go back to school after Christmas."

"If you make the team, I'll come see your first game, how about that?" she promised.

"Rad," he said with a bright smile as he pulled the backpack over his shoulders. "Arizona?"

"Yeah," she asked as she pulled herself to her feet to get ready for her turn at therapy.

"I had a really good time last night. Thanks again."

"No problem, kiddo. I had a really good time, too." She didn't even find it that difficult to smile at the young boy. There was something about his presence that reminded her of how healing kids could be. Seeing him didn't bring up the deep joy that being with her daughter did, of course, but it was still a nice change from the malaise and pain to have his infectious smile lighten her mood. "You still owe me a lunch date, don't forget."

"I didn't."

"How about Friday?" Rob asked as he casually put his hand on his younger brother's shoulder. "I know I need to be over in this area in the morning and I can just drop Bran off on my way to the job and then get him after therapy."

Arizona smiled at the thought that she could have back-to-back days with her two favorite kids—Thursday with Sofia and then Friday with Bran. "That sounds perfect. We'll work out the final plans on Wednesday, okay?"

Bran's smile must have hurt his face it was so broad. "Totally rad. I want to ask you more about Africa."

"It's a plan. Now you two better get out of here before Pete starts beating me into submission, okay?"

"Bye Arizona," Bran said as he hopped along happily toward the door.

Rob held back and leaned into her to say softly, "You have my number if you need it." He pulled back and held her gaze for a moment before he smiled gently and nodded. "See you Wednesday if I don't hear from you earlier." He then turned and jogged off after his brother.

Arizona watched him leave and then stared at the door even after it closed. She was perplexed at what just happened and could barely believe that this young man, who she was starting to think of as almost a little brother of sorts, had offered to get her drugs. _I couldn't have figured out how to buy pot in high school and now he's offering me incredibly illegal and illicit drugs. Just like that. What the hell?_

"Arizona?"

She shook her head and chased the thoughts from her head. It didn't matter. She wasn't going to take him up on the offer after all. "Yeah, Pete, let's get to it." She settled the crutches under her armpits to make sure she had her balance before slowly starting to walk toward the gym.

* * *

"So, Sofia, what do you say we take a little video of you and send it to Mama, huh? I think the more she feels like she's part of your life, the more she'll want to be part of it. Don't you think?" Callie turned on the camcorder and took off the lens cap. "Hmm?"

Sofia's brow furrowed as if she were trying to figure out what the hell her mother was saying to her. "Pay," she said as she picked up her stuffed puppy and waved it at Callie.

"Yes, we'll play. I just want to record a little of it, too, okay?" She set the camera on the coffee table, making sure it was set so that even if Sofia moved a little, she would remain in frame, and then hit the record button before going over to sit near Sofia but just out of the area that was being recorded. She was pretty sure that Arizona would rather not see her in the video, even if she couldn't avoid her voice on the recording. "So, Sofia, why don't you say hi to Mama." She waited for her daughter to look at her and then pointed to the video camera. "That's for Mama."

Sofia looked over at the camera but didn't quite seem to understand what it was for because she quickly went back to focusing on her stuffed animal. Callie sighed in frustration that Sofia wasn't performing as she had hoped. It didn't matter that much, because she could just leave the camera going and sooner or later she was bound to do something worth sending to Arizona, but she didn't want to have to try to pull a cute moment out of her if she could help it. "Sofia, do you know who gave you your puppy?"

Sofia looked up at her for a moment, a confused look on her face, before she went back to having her puppy walk along the carpet.

Callie had an idea then, and got up to go to the end table. She took the picture of the three of them that they had taken just two weeks before the plane crash. It had been an exceptionally warm May day, and they had gone to a nearby park with Mark and Julia. While sitting on a short wall in front of a beautiful array of green bushes, Julie had taken their picture. It was the one she had brought with her to the hospital so that Arizona would always have a picture of the three of them next to her bed, even when Callie and Sofia couldn't be there with her. She brought it over to her daughter and held it out so she could see. "Sofia, who is this?"

It was a game they had started to play with the various photos around the apartment. While Sofia wasn't able to identify her grandparents or some of the other pictures of friends or family, she had gotten quite good at identify her parents and herself. "Baby," she said with a big proud smile on her face as she pointed at herself in the picture.

"Yes, that's you. Sofia." Callie encouraged her. "And who is this?"

Sofia giggled and pointed at Callie but didn't say anything.

"And what's my name?"

"Meeeeeeeeee," she squealed out. Callie found it amusing that Sofia actually thought her name was Me or that she just couldn't manage the two syllables of Mommy and so went with the last one. But it was always the excited way she drew it out that made both mother and daughter laugh.

"Yup, that's me. I'm Mommy," she said, making sure to articulate the word carefully so Sofia would hopefully catch on.

But Sofia was having none of it. She shook her head and repeated, "Meeeeeeeee."

"You silly girl," Callie said as she reached out to tickle her daughter's tummy for a moment. After Sofia's laughter died down, Callie looked back down at the picture and moved her finger over to the other side of Sofia to where Arizona was sitting. "And who's this?"

Sofia's brow furrowed for a moment, as if she were truly thinking hard, before she grinned, showing off the eight little teeth that she had. "Mama!"

"Yup, that's Mama all right. Did you see Mama the other day? Did she and your buddy Bailey take you to the park?"

Sofia clapped. "Park!"

"You like the park don't you?" She wanted to get the conversation back to Arizona, though, so that when her wife saw the video, she could have a real concrete image of how much their daughter loved her. "You get to see Mama again this week. Is that exciting?"

Sofia clapped again. "Mama!"

"Yes, you get to see her. But you know what? Can you do Mommy and Mama a big favor? Can you wave over at the camera and say 'hi Mama'?" Sofia looked at her seriously, obviously not understanding the instruction.

Callie got up and went over to get the camera. She brought it back with her and sat across from Sofia, holding it up near her face so that Sofia would basically be looking right into the lens. She then used her free hand to wave up near it. "Wave and say 'hi Mama'."

Sofia waved and said, "Buh bye." She had gotten incredibly good at that farewell in the last month or so. Greetings were a little newer concept.

"Hi, Mama," Callie repeated in the higher voice that she always used with her daughter.

Sofia giggled then and tilted her head shyly as she continued to watch her mother. Finally, she blurted out, "Hi Mama!"

"Good girl," Callie said, causing Sofia to clap for herself and bounce at the approval. "You did so well, baby boo. Your Mama is going to love to hear you say hi to her. And when you see her again this week you can say hi to her in person."

Callie then reached up to turn off the camera, realizing that the video was going to be incredibly long as it was to be sending via email. But just before she touched the button, she decided to risk adding a little personal message, hoping that it wouldn't irritate her wife. "We both love you and miss you, Arizona."

She then reached up and turned off the camera before placing it on the coffee table. "So, little miss, what do you say we get some dinner in you?" She got to her feet and picked Sofia up, tossing her into the air and laughing as she squealed in excitement as she flew up and then back down into her mommy's arms. Callie then pulled her in to give her a noisy kiss on the cheek. "You did great, Sofia. Mama is going to be so happy to see that video and I bet she can't wait to see you on Thursday. If anyone can get her to get better and come home, it's you, right? You're the all-powerful, Sofia!"

* * *

Arizona sighed as she turned off the TV. She had to admit all this free time that she found herself with was getting, well, boring. There was only so much TV she could watch or books she could read. She looked up at the ceiling, trying to will away the pain that was still bothering her even an hour after she last took her prosthetic off. "It'll go away if you can get your mind off it," she muttered to herself as she pulled her laptop over and flipped it open. "Maybe I can catch up on some medical journals." She chuckled to herself and rolled her eyes as she realized she had started talking to herself more and more. "Good thing I read that study last year that talking to yourself may actually be good or I'd think I was really going crazy."

She opened her browser and went to look at the site for the Journal of Pediatric Surgery when her email alert went off. She looked down and noticed that it was from Callie. For a moment, she had the urge to just open her email and hit delete without even giving the message a glance, but she reminded herself that she was trying to overcome the short temper that had been her constant companion the last two months or so. There would be no hope for a reconciliation if she couldn't do that. And she knew she wanted to try. Or at least she wanted to be someone who wanted to try.

With a quick sigh at herself, she changed to her email program and smiled when she read the subject line in her list of emails. "A video from Sofia, huh?" She opened the email and clicked on the attachment, waiting for the video to load up and play. It was a large file, so it took a few moments, and Arizona felt butterflies tangle in her stomach at the prospect of getting a video of her daughter.

Finally, it began playing and Arizona leaned back and watched the video. Sofia was playing with the puppy that Arizona had gotten her when she was still in the NICU. It had always been her favorite stuffed animal and Callie had often said it was because it was Arizona that had given it to her. That of course was ridiculous, since Sofia was only about 2 months old when she got it and surely didn't remember that, but it had always brought a smile to Arizona's face when her wife had said it.

Now though, it just made her wistful. That was a time when everything was getting better in their lives. Sofia was out of the woods and slowly growing, Callie was retraining her brain and getting her fine motor skills back through hard work and diligence. And Arizona was so hopeful for the future. She had figured that was their one huge close call. They had all survived a car crash, Callie had come back from the brink of death not once but twice, and Sofia had managed to take her first breath despite all the odds being against her. But oh how wrong she had been.

She shook her head to chase those thoughts out of her head. She was sick of dwelling on how horrible her life was now. She wanted so much to not have those thoughts constantly flashing through her head. So, instead she took a deep breath and continued to watch the video. She smiled as Callie tried to coax their daughter to first point out each of them in the photo and then to say hi to the camera. When Sofia finally got it right, her smile only broadened as she felt pride swell in her. Her baby girl was really starting to talk and respond to requests.

She was learning so fast and Arizona was missing it all.

She was missing Sofia's whole life and yet she couldn't find a way to just go back, to just return to her family and be with her daughter. And be with her wife. She felt like she was stuck in cement, unable to move forward or back, unable to do anything but linger in the same place. Just so frustratingly stuck.

"We both love you and miss you, Arizona."

Callie's voice on the recording ripped into her and the tears instantly gathered in her eyes and spilled onto her cheeks. She wanted her old life back. She wanted to just go back a few months to before she lost her leg, before Mark and Lexie died, before she let her anger at Alex rejecting her lead her to get on that damned plane. Back to a time before her own selfishness and fears had started the wheels turning that would lead her here.

If only she hadn't felt like she was being abandoned, first by Nick, and then by Alex, she would have been able to see that her protégé merely wanted to do what was best for his career. But instead, she had taken it as an affront, as a reminder of that one truth she had felt ingrained in her since Tim died. Everyone always seemed to leave her.

Everyone except Callie.

Arizona picked up her laptop and threw it across the room, not caring one iota when it broke into pieces against the far wall. She rolled over, curled into a tight ball, and cried for all that she had lost—Timothy, Nick, Mark, her leg, even herself. But worst of all, she had lost Callie and their future together. "What the hell am I going to do?" she cried as the tears continued to flood down her cheeks and wet the comforter. She just couldn't find a way to move forward, not when her life felt so lost, so confusing, so full of pain.

She rolled over on the bed and reached to the floor for her purse, pulling the prescription bottle out without even thinking about it. It had become a rote habit of late and she had the pills in her mouth and swallowed them before she even gave it a second thought. She closed her eyes and felt just the smallest measure of relief in knowing that soon, at the very least, the pain would be numbed, if only for a short time. But it would be enough to sleep she hoped. Otherwise she would just be up with the pain and the tears and the memories.

She opened her eyes and went to close the bottle when she looked inside. One lonely pill sat at the bottom of the tan container. She then turned the bottle to look at the label. "Fuck," she muttered when she saw that the earliest refill date was four days away. What the hell was she going to do? She knew that asking her pain specialist for another prescription would be fruitless. All he'd do was report it to her shrink and there would be a huge black mark in her file. But she knew there was no way she could go that long with just the one pill to relieve her pain.

Her stomach churned as she pulled her phone off the bedside table and turned it on. She looked through her contacts until she came to the number she was looking for and then dialed before she could have a second thought about it.

"Hello?"

"Hi, Rob. It's Arizona. About that offer you gave me earlier…"

TBC…

A/N: Like I said up top, next chapter there will be a turning point for the better. Cross my heart!


	8. Chapter 8

**The Place You Alone Can Fill**

**By AmboDriver**

**Disclaimer:** As usual, I don't own anything. I'm just playing around with them. They are owned by Shondaland, ABC, and probably a lot of other really rich folks.

**A/N: **I was really hesitant to make the drugs more obvious in the last chapter (I'd been laying the groundwork for it for a while, but no one had seemed to notice), because I was afraid of the reaction. But just want to say this isn't a story about Arizona being a drug addict, I promise. I have no desire to have Arizona be all strung out. One reviewer had it exactly right. She's been through enough already. They really are just a means to an end. Promise.

Thanks for the reviews. I especially love the ones where you mention how tragic the story is but you are still asking for the next chapter. I love that there are plenty of you out there that love to take these dramatic journeys with me. I just hope I do them justice and give you the payoff that I think we all love. So, please feel free to pass on your thoughts in the reviews. I love to hear from you all.

And now, let's see how things are going with Arizona (and eventually Callie).

* * *

**Chapter 8**

"Arizona, you've got a cane!"

Brandon's enthusiastic shout from across the rehab room made her smile as she slowly made her way into the prosthetics lab. She'd had the cane all of three days, and Brandon and Rob had yet to see her walk with it—if you could call the very slow steps she was taking walking—but getting such an enthusiastic response really helped with her confidence. "I'm getting the hang of it. But, look at you!"

Brandon laughed and wobbled on the low balance beam he was walking on. "I'm ready for the Olympics."

"You do realize the balance beam is girls only, right?" Rob called over to his brother. "Now, listen to Pete and get these last few reps in." The older boy then looked up at Arizona with a bright smile. "You look good," he said quietly when she approached his normal seat in the waiting area.

She forced a smile onto her face as she turned and fell wearily onto the other chair. She took a few deep breaths, feeling like she used to whenever she'd exercise after not working out for a while. But now that same level of aching exhaustion came from simply walking a few hundred feet. "Yeah," she said as she looked off to watch Brandon frantically use his arms to keep his balance as he took another step on the beam. She finally looked over at Rob. "It helps that I'm not in pain."

He smiled gently as he pulled his seat closer to hers so they could talk quietly. "I'm glad to hear that. How are you doing with that?"

She wasn't proud that she had turned to Rob for help, but when she saw how far she'd come in just the last twelve days since having her meltdown over the video, she had to admit she'd never be this far if she'd followed the sorry excuse for a pain plan she was officially under. And she figured it wasn't like she was abusing the drugs. She was taking them in perfectly normal dosages. "Doing pretty well, but I'm getting low. By Wednesday I'll be out."

"I'll talk to my guy. How many do you want?"

That was the real problem. Unlike the medication she got under her insurance, these were far more expensive. She was hesitant enough about touching her joint accounts with Callie for simple expenses. She certainly wasn't going to for illicit drugs, no matter how much she knew she needed them. So that limited how much she could really afford. "Assuming it's still the same per pill, can you get me 25?" Surely being pain free for at least a week was worth a measly five hundred. Still, it was an incredible amount of money. But she was sure she would be able to start weaning herself down now that she was walking better and getting more and more used to the prosthetic. A month or two of these expenses wouldn't be so bad then.

"Sure. Can you wait until Wednesday? We can probably swing the exchange here if we're careful. Or we can meet up earlier like we did last time." He quirked his eyebrow and smiled with amusement playing in his eyes.

She rolled her own eyes and laughed as she remembered their first exchange. She had been sitting in her car on the side of the street, all the doors locked, and feeling a little uncertain about being in the neighborhood in her nice car and with her plastic and metal leg that she could barely walk on. When Rob had come up from behind her and knocked on the passenger side window, she had jump and let out a scream that he had clearly been able to hear outside the car. To his credit he had just smiled brightly at her as he slid into the passenger seat. Still, it was obvious that she had felt very uncomfortable undertaking this decidedly illegal activity, in her own car, in a neighborhood where she stood out like a sore thumb. "Maybe you can slip out during Bran's session and come down to my car in the parking lot? I feel a little weird doing it in the hospital."

He leaned back then in his seat. "Sure. And let me know if you can't wait until then. You have my number and I can probably get what you need in a few hours tops."

"Thanks."

They fell into a companionable silence then and Arizona tried to move her brain to other topics. Watching Brandon finally make it across the entire beam was a great distraction and she realized she felt good, really good, for the first time in a long time. She felt good physically, she was getting better at walking every day, and she was continuing to have daily contact with Callie via text or email. After the outburst she had had with the video of Sofia, she had become calmer when the daily messages from Callie had arrived. Gone was the intense anger, and that was a relief, but she still felt such a wall around herself that she wasn't sure she could ever knock down. It was so confusing to be more comfortable with Callie and yet feel this crazy distance still haunt her. But one thing she definitely knew. It was definitely easier to have hope when she didn't have pain to contend with every waking minute.

Finally, Brandon hopped off the beam and came trotting over to them. His smile was so bright, it was almost blinding. "I went across three times," he said, so proud of himself.

"We saw, Bran. You did great," Rob said as he began to gather their things.

"Can we stick around for a few minutes? I want to see Arizona walk with her cane." Bran looked from his brother to Arizona, hope on his face.

Just as Arizona was about to welcome them to say, Rob shook his head. "I have some business I need to take care of so I need to get you home, buddy. I'll make sure we've got some time on Wednesday, okay?"

"Yeah," she added when she saw the disappointed frown on the boy's face, "besides I'll be even better at it by then. Maybe I'll be able to walk all the way back and forth across the room without even stopping."

The young boy couldn't hide the disappointment on his face even as he nodded. "Sure." But then a sudden smile lit up his face. "Arizona, will you check over my book report? I read this book called _Wonder_ and it's about a boy who couldn't go to a real school because his face was deformed. He's ten like me and my tutor suggested I read it. It was really, really good, but it would be great if you could read it since you know about medicine and stuff." His enthusiasm caused the words to come out in a rush.

"Of course. I'll get here a little early so I can read it while you have your session with Pete, okay?"

"Rad!"

Rob chuckled as he put his hand on his brother's shoulder and started to turn him toward the door. "See you both then." He looked directly at Arizona and nodded, mouthing 'Wednesday' as he did.

Pete chuckled once the boys had left the lab. "That kid is way too happy all the time."

Arizona couldn't help but smile, which was why she knew it was important to have him in her life. "It's pretty amazing, huh?"

Pete seemed to be thinking about something and muttered almost under his breath, "I wonder how long it will last."

"What?" Arizona's natural curiosity and concern for this amazing tiny human prickled at her.

"Oh nothing. Come on. Let's see how well you can walk over to the far wall."

* * *

The next day, however, was far from good. Arizona woke up in pain, her residual limb throbbing, she suspected, because of all the walking she had done at therapy the day before. Adding to that she had a killer headache that beat in time with her leg. Her head spun as she sat up in bed and she probably would have been hard pressed to keep the food in her stomach down if she'd had any in it. If there was one good side effect to the meds she was taking, her appetite had gone down considerably. She had been gaining weight since moving into the motel and being forced to rely almost exclusively on take out or easy-to-cook convenience foods. She could stand to lose a few pounds, she figured, so a few skipped meals were little to be concerned about.

She leaned over to the bedside table and opened the drawer. She pulled out the small pill bottle and opened it with a practiced hand, spilling one small yellow pill out. She looked at it, so lonely in her hand, and then tipped the bottle until another pill fell out. She tipped the bottle back and looked inside, noticing only one pill now sitting in the bottom of the bottle. "I'll just call Rob later. Don't want to run out."

She popped the pills in her mouth and then took a sip from the bottle of water she kept on the table just for that purpose. She smiled once they were down and slid back down under the sheets, her body instantly relaxing at just the thought of the relief she'd be feeling soon. She wearily reached over and grabbed her phone, flicking her finger over the screen to release the lock. There were two text messages waiting, one from Callie and one from Rob. She went to the one from Rob, who was just confirming that he had her pills for the next day and how much it was going to be. Then she flipped over to Callie's message.

_Sofia learned her first cuss word last night. I burned my hand and she's now great at saying 'fut'. Thank God she doesn't have the k sound down yet. Fuck indeed._

Arizona laughed at that, even as she felt a little disappointed that she had missed that moment. She remembered how they had spent one evening a few months back taking bets as to which word she'd learn first and when it would happen. They normally were good at watching their language around their daughter, but they knew it was only a matter of time as Sofia became more and more aware and verbal.

_Guess that means I win the bet. You owe me dinner at La Trattoria._

She hit send before she even really thought about what she had typed. Only once she couldn't stop it did she realize she had just unintentionally told Callie they'd be having dinner out at some point. She supposed that was more the drugs dulling her inhibitions and she shrugged. Maybe it was for the best.

A reply text came back almost instantly. _Anytime. How's the cane going?_

_Not bad. Still shaky but I can get by pretty well. Hope you didn't burn your hand too badly._

_Partial thickness on my thumb. Hurts like a bitch but it'll heal fine. Not looking forward to a day of gloves though._

Arizona frowned, thinking about how irritating it was whenever she'd had a cut or burn on her hand and then had to spend the day in the constriction of surgical gloves. It was far from comfortable and the distraction during surgery was not always something that was welcome. She empathized with Callie and hoped that she didn't have any in depth surgeries today that would require her undivided attention.

Arizona yawned then as she felt the effects of the drugs start to pull at her mind. She looked over at the clock on the bedside table, rolling her eyes that she was tired at eight in the morning, and then typed one last message.

_Hope it's not too bad. Have a good day, Callie. Didn't sleep well so going back to bed._

_Sleep well, Arizona._

Arizona smiled and then turned off her phone, plugging it back into the charger before rolling over. It was only then that she realized her headache and the pain in her leg had really subsided. "Definitely worth every penny." She closed her eyes, enjoying the feeling of floating that she now associated with taking the double dose of her oxy. It gave her a sense of freedom that she had lost with her leg. It was wonderful and relaxing all at the same time. She smiled as she snuggled down further under the covers and was asleep before she knew it.

* * *

Arizona tapped her fingers on the steering wheel of her car, her foot bouncing restlessly in time. Rob was late, very late. She'd taken her last pill just before calling him once she'd finally gotten up. While she had fallen asleep on this pillow of almost euphoria, she had woken up agitated with a dull ache suffusing her body. She was afraid of having the pain spike, like it had that morning, so she had taken the last pill. But that was four hours ago and it was quickly wearing off. "Where the hell are you?"

As if he were listening, she saw Rob come around the corner, a smile coming to his face when their eyes met. He came over and climbed into the passenger seat, pulling the door shut. "Um, Arizona, you don't look so happy."

She reached into her purse and pulled out a bank envelope filled with cash, placing it on his lap with a loud slap. "Just give me the pills and get going."

"Wow, okay then." He took the envelope and slid it into his messenger bag before coming out with a smaller white envelope. He started to extend it to her but then pulled his hand back. "The guy I got these from said next time the price goes up to thirty a piece."

"Thirty? That's ridiculous." A fifty percent increase was certainly nothing to sneeze at. Her disability payments weren't going to cover that for very long.

Rob shrugged. "I can't control it. He's a guy I went to high school with and he's being nice enough to float me the pills without direct payment. He said most oxy on the street goes for thirty-five or forty. And he assured me this is the best stuff out there, too. He's cutting me a break since we're old friends."

Arizona let out a deep breath and tried to quell the tension gnawing at the pit of her stomach. She couldn't worry about it now. She'd just have to wean herself down and soon. That's what she'd do. She'd start tomorrow, though, because today she just didn't feel like she could handle it. "Fine. Just give them to me. I need to get back to the motel."

There was just the slip of a smile on his lips and then he went serious again as he handed her the small envelope. "Sure. We'll see you tomorrow."

Arizona nodded as she clenched the envelope in her fist. "I'll try to get there early so I can look at Brandon's paper."

"Great. See you then." He smiled and hesitated for a moment like he was going to say something, but instead just climbed out of her car and took off back the way he'd come.

Arizona rolled her eyes and looked down at the envelope in her hand. She wanted to take a pill right then, but then she remembered the escalating price that she would have to pay if she couldn't ration them or just stop needing them altogether. "Just wait until you get back to the motel and then reevaluate." She swallowed hard as her left hand clenched tightly around the steering wheel. She tucked the envelope into the pocket of her jeans, looked over her left shoulder, and pulled back out into traffic. _It's only thirty minutes back to the motel. Only thirty._

* * *

"Dr. Torres, there's a text message from your wife."

Callie looked up from the nerve graft she was just finishing up. It wasn't like Arizona to initiate a text conversation. She'd gotten better about answering, but being the first to send a message was something she hadn't done since she had been in the hospital hoping her leg would heal. It worried Callie and she took a deep breath. "Can you bring it over here and show me?" She certainly didn't want half the surgical staff to know any more about her private life than they already did. Not when it came to Arizona being gone.

She finished the last stich and then turned to the scrub nurse and read the small screen of her phone.

_I need you at the motel. Now. Please._

Callie's heart instantly sped up as she started to wonder why Arizona would suddenly send her that message. She doubted it was because Arizona had decided she wanted to come home. It sounded desperate in a bad way and all Callie knew was that she needed to go to her wife. "Go get me literally any attending you can find out there. I just need someone to help with closing up. I have to go. Now."

Luckily the surgery was almost over and really she just needed someone to supervise the resident she had working with her. "Mike, go ahead and finish up here."

His green eyes looked concerned but he nodded. "Sure, Doctor Torres. Is everything okay?"

"I don't know." She waited until he took over the sutures before stepping back. She tore off her surgical gown and went over to stand by the door to the scrub room, pacing restlessly while she waited. It took only a few minutes before Carlson came into the scrub room. He looked at her questioningly through the window and she just shook her head, hoping he would not ask her anything in particular when he came in.

It took a few minutes for Carlson to get scrubbed in and by then her resident was almost done. But she didn't care. She rushed into the scrub room, cleaning up as fast as she could. Then she sent off a quick text to Arizona.

_On my way._

She literally ran out of the scrub room and down toward the exit by the attendings' parking lot. All she cared about was getting to her wife. She had finally asked for help and Callie was going to be there for her come hell or high water.

* * *

Callie barely had the engine turned off before she tore of the car, not caring that the rain was now beating down heavily around her. She rushed to the motel door and pounded on it. "Arizona? I'm here. Let me in."

"Callie!"

Her voice didn't come from inside the room. Callie looked around, trying to place the location since the rain had made it seem as if it was coming from all around her. She looked left and then right, finally squinting in disbelief as she saw Arizona sitting on the concrete sidewalk that ran along the front of the motel rooms. She was about four doors down, her leg pulled up tightly to her likely to keep her foot out of the rain that had started a few minutes before. "What the hell?"

Callie quickly walked down to where Arizona was sitting, her eyes going wide when she realized Arizona didn't even have her prosthetic on, let alone a pair of crutches. "Arizona, how did you get down here? Why are you down here?" She knelt down next to her wife, not wanting to be towering over her. "What's going on?"

Arizona looked off to her left and Callie followed. Down about another two doors were a cane and the prosthetic, both akimbo on the concrete. It looked like Arizona had thrown them both there after coming to her current spot. "I walked," Arizona said flatly.

"Okay," she drew out uncertainly. "So, what's going on?"

Arizona looked suddenly like she was struggling not to break down into tears. She held up the room keycard and then swallowed hard. "I need you to do something for me and I need you to not judge or ask any questions, okay?"

Now Callie was starting to be frightened. It was very unsettling to find Arizona here like this and suddenly reaching out, like she had no choice in the matter. Still, this was her wife, the woman she loved more than anyone other than Sofia. She would do anything for her. "Of course."

"Go into my room. My purse is on the coffee table. Inside it there is a small white envelope. Flush it."

"Flush it?"

"There's oxy inside. I…" Arizona took a deep breath and let out a shuddering breath. "I think I'm becoming addicted. Look, I'll explain, I promise. But can you do this for me?"

Callie took the keycard from her. "Of course."

She started to get up when Arizona reached out and grabbed her arm. "Wait. Can you get my leg and cane first?"

Callie felt like her head was spinning. Nothing made sense, so she decided to just do what she was told until she had a moment to stop and think. She nodded to Arizona, climbing past her and quickly gathering the prosthetic and cane. She brought them back and handed them to her wife, hesitating for a moment with a question perched on her lips. But then she just nodded and walked off toward Arizona's room.

She let herself in and left the door ajar, frowning at the state of things in the room as she did. It certainly wasn't like Arizona to have so much mess around her. She was normally incredibly neat. But then again it wasn't like Arizona was really herself of late and Callie was sure cleaning was pretty much last on her list of things to worry about. She shook her head to focus her thoughts on the task at hand.

She went over and grabbed Arizona's purse, digging in it until she found the plain white envelope that was stuffed with pills. Callie looked inside it and frowned. "God, Arizona," she breathed out as her heart clenched in pain. To think that her wife had turned to drugs to dull the pain in her life and that she could have spiraled down quickly if she hadn't reached out for help. She had been all alone and could have been too far gone to help or even dead before Callie would have even known it. She felt sick to her stomach at the thought. "Later. Worry about that later."

She stormed into the bathroom and dumped the pills into the toilet. It took three flushes before all the pills disappeared down the toilet bowl. She then crumpled up the envelope and tossed it angrily into the waste basket. Her whole body started shaking and she had to put her hand on the sink to steady herself. She took a deep breath, trying to quell the sudden nausea that washed over her. "Keep it together for her. Just keep it together."

She heard Arizona come into the room. Callie closed her eyes and took a deep breath, trying to steel herself for what was to come. She needed to be strong for her wife. Arizona was finally reaching out and Callie would do anything to help her. Absolutely anything. "No blame. No guilt. Just love her and help her heal." With that simple plan planted firmly in her mind, she turned and walked back out into the room.

Arizona was standing just inside the room, leaning heavily on her cane. In the light of the room, Callie could see that her wife had lost weight. She had dark circles under her eyes and her clothes and hair were an absolute mess. But the worst of it was the pain clouding her normally vibrant blue eyes. It reminded her so much of how Arizona had looked those first few weeks after the amputation, when every time they spoke to one another, Arizona's eyes just cried out that she was dying inside. And now that look was back, just when Callie had been hoping it was finally lifting. "They're gone."

"Thanks." Arizona shifted her weight slightly before slowly making her way over to the loveseat. She flopped down on the couch and let out a huge sigh. Finally, she looked up at Callie, cringing tentatively. "They weren't prescribed."

Callie closed her eyes as she let out a sigh. She hadn't wanted to think that but it seemed pretty obvious from the lack of prescription bottle. She then nodded and moved to sit on the corner of the bed across from Arizona. "I don't want to know. They're gone. Is that all of them?"

"Yes."

"Okay." They sat there and just watched one another for a few moments before Callie decided she would need to take the lead. "What do you want to do?"

Arizona swallowed hard. "I thought they were helping. I was having some pain and the pills were helping. I've felt good the last few days and I've been making progress. I'm walking with a cane."

Callie nodded, not taking offense that Arizona didn't answer her question. They'd get there. And if Arizona was going to open up, she'd listen to every last word.

"Then today I went to get more pills. And as I was driving back here, I felt a cold sweat break out on my back and I started shaking. I had to pull over and just take a few deep breaths. It was all I could do not to take a pill right then. But I didn't. Because for the first time I realized I wanted a pill because I wanted a pill, not because I was in pain. Somehow in the last few days, maybe even the last few weeks, I've started taking the pills because I needed the pills themselves. I guess I knew that, deep down, but I kept telling myself it was only for the pain."

"That's how it starts."

"I know. I know that. But I thought I could be responsible. I just needed to be done with the pain if I was going to get better." Tears started to well up in her eyes and her voices became tight. "I've fucked this all up."

Callie got off the bed and came over to sit on the coffee table, close but not touching Arizona. "You've made some mistakes. We both have. But I'm here for you, Arizona. I love you. God how I love you. And I just want to help you get better."

Arizona nodded as she wiped at her eyes. She took a shuddering breath and then looked up at Callie hesitantly. "Can I come home?"

Callie felt like she could cry from relief, but she kept it in. She needed to be the strong one now. She was going to have to get them both through this. She nodded. "Of course, Arizona. And I'll be there for you. We'll get you through this, through everything, okay?"

Arizona seemed to hesitate for a moment before she deflated with a nod. "Okay." She picked at a piece of fuzz on her jeans. "I'm feeling really off kilter right now. Do you mind packing up my stuff?"

"Of course I don't mind." In fact, Callie was relieved to have the activity to distract herself. Everything was changing so fast and it terrified her at the same time she felt a huge wave of relief. It didn't matter how much they had to work to get Arizona back from this cliff she was hanging over. She would fight everything and everyone if it meant helping her wife. She flashed back to that night in the ambulance bay when she'd told Arizona she would do anything her wife couldn't do. She had meant that then and she meant it even more now.

It only took her a few minutes to gather the few things that Arizona had brought with her into the two duffle bags she found in the closet. When she was done, she wordlessly ran out to the car and threw the bags into the back before coming back into the room. Arizona hadn't moved or said a word the entire time. She just sat on the couch and stared straight ahead, her face pale and her hands balled in tight fists on her thighs. Callie came over and sat back down on the coffee table. "Okay, is that everything?"

Arizona's eyes flashed up to her and Callie could see the pain in them. "Yeah."

"You're in pain." It wasn't a question.

Arizona swallowed loudly and nodded. "My leg's pounding and my whole body aches."

"The body aches are probably the beginning of the withdrawal."

"Yeah." Arizona's eyes fell and Callie could read the shame on her face.

"Arizona, please, don't blame yourself. Those damned drugs may be a blessing but they are also such a curse. You know that. The addiction comes up so unintentionally for people. You didn't want this to happen. You were in pain and you treated it. Isn't that what a doctor is supposed to do?"

"I should have known."

"Okay, look, we don't have to do this right now." In fact, Callie didn't want to either. All she wanted was to get Arizona home, get her into bed, and start the likely painful process of helping her wife through the drug withdrawal. Sitting in this motel, in this environment where she'd developed her addiction, was going to only make it more difficult on her wife. "Let's just go home and we can talk more about it then if you want."

"No one else can know."

"Arizona, we're going to need help. If you want to detox properly, we'll need Clonadine or Methadone and, yes, we'll need a little Oxy to step you down." Arizona fell under the state's pain management rules and Washington was quite serious about managing patient usage of opiates. There was no way she would be able to just get her the drugs without it being noticed and recorded. And it would be best if they used a doctor who was trained in this sort of thing anyway.

Arizona shook her head. "No, I need to go cold turkey. I…" She let out a deep breath and looked up at Callie. "I could lose my medical license if this is found out."

Part of Callie wanted to point out that they both could lose their licenses if they covered it up, but she didn't. Arizona was her wife, her partner in life, and more important to her than her career for sure. She would do anything to get her back, to help her get better, and if that meant covering up illegal drug use, she would do it. But she also had to realize that Arizona's health was more important than her wife's career as well. "Okay, but on one condition."

"What's that?"

"You kick this. If we can get you past this and you really kick this, then no one else needs to know. Ever. But if you have a relapse, if you use again, then all bets are off. Then you'll need a true detox program." She swallowed hard and let out a deep breath. She willed the edge out of her voice as she continued. "I want you to get better and I'll do anything I can to make sure you do. But your life is worth way more than your license to practice medicine, okay? So you've got this one shot." She tensed up, unsure of how Arizona would take the ultimatum, and terrified she might have made a big mistake by suddenly shifting to tough love.

But luckily Arizona nodded. "Okay, deal." She rubbed her hands on her thighs and then looked off into the distance. "I know my life can never be what it was. I've changed too much since the crash for that. But I want to try to get some of it back, in whatever form that is. I want to be a surgeon again. I want to be Sofia's mother, day in and day out." Her eyes flicked back to Callie. "I want to see if I can figure out how to be your wife again. I'm not sure I can, but I want to have a shot at it, so I'll do whatever you say to get through these next few days. Are you okay being my doctor?"

Callie couldn't suppress the smile as renewed hope that she hadn't really felt in a long time welled within her at Arizona's words. "You don't know how good it is to hear you say that. And, yes, I'll be your doctor. I'll take time off of work and stay home to help you for as long as you need. If I have to call in dead or quit or whatever, I will. Your health is the most important thing right now, okay? Everything else we'll worry about later."

Arizona held her gaze for what felt like minutes, but probably wasn't more than thirty seconds or so. She then wiped at her eyes and nodded. "Okay."

Callie stood up and held her hand out to her wife, silently offering her assistance. Arizona looked at it almost like it was a snake that was going to bite her, but then she seemed to consciously rein in her reaction and held out a hand. It shook slightly as she placed it gently in Callie's palm. Her skin was cold and clammy, but Callie didn't care. She was never so glad to hold someone's hand in her life. She wrapped her fingers around Arizona's hand and gently pulled, helping her wife to her feet. She then grabbed her cane and handed it to her. "Come on, let's go home."

TBC…

See? Just a means to an end...although obviously there's a little withdrawal to get through. But at least they're together, right? Hope you enjoyed it...let me know.


	9. Chapter 9

**The Place You Alone Can Fill**

**By AmboDriver**

**Disclaimer:** As usual, I don't own anything. I'm just playing around with them. They are owned by Shondaland, ABC, and probably a lot of other really rich folks.

**A/N: **See guys, I had your back. Now we can get on to the part of the story about the healing that is needed. It won't always be an easy ride (and to be honest I'm not even sure where the ride is going exactly), but at least they're together, right?

Thank you all so much for your supportive words and all the favorites and follows. I hope I can continue to make this interesting and worth your time. Let me know how I'm doing, okay?

Oh and I'm starting to think of a sequel to Thin Line (actually started writing it months ago but thinking I'll get back to it after this and 502 are over), so if you've read that and have something you'd like to see in a sequel, shoot me a PM. It'll take place about a month or two after the epilogue and it's a wild ride of course. I'm not promising anything, but I'll try if it works in the story.

* * *

**Chapter 9**

Arizona had never understood what it meant for silence to be deafening before now. But as they rode the elevator up toward their apartment, the only sounds in the small space were the mechanical whirring of the elevator and the all-too-slow beeps as each floor crept by. _Fucking slow as shit elevator._ She let out a deep breath and leaned more heavily on her cane, feeling all her muscles ache with each small movement.

"How you doing?" Callie finally asked.

Arizona closed her eyes and counted quickly to ten to keep her temper from flaring. She had been the one to call Callie and she needed to accept her concern and help. "I feel like shit. My head is pounding and every muscle hurts. Even the ones that got chopped off two months ago." She had almost forgotten how bad the phantom pains could be, but without her meds, they were back and getting worse by the minute.

"Once you get off your feet you'll feel better."

"Foot," Arizona bit back quickly. "I've only got one, remember?"

"How the hell could I forget?" Callie whipped back harshly. She then looked at the floor and let out a deep sigh. "Sorry."

Arizona bit at the inside of her lip and just concentrated on her breathing. "It's okay," she said through a jaw clenched with pain and anger.

Finally the elevator dinged on the fifth floor and the door opened. Callie held the door with her hand and stood to the side so that Arizona could pass. It made her feel scrutinized and self-conscious. Each step still felt so unsure and all the pain and nausea that was building in her made it all that much more difficult to be confident in her gait. She made it just past Callie when she came down wrong on the prosthetic and felt her balance start to waver.

Before she could stumble, Callie's hand was on her elbow, giving her just enough support so that she could regain her equilibrium. Arizona looked back at her wife, embarrassment warming her cheeks, and nodded. "Thanks," she whispered, almost surprised in how genuine the word came out of her mouth.

"Always," Callie answered as she walked through the elevator door and stopped next to Arizona, her hand falling from her elbow.

Arizona sucked on her lower lip and took a steadying breath. She was determined to make it the rest of the way into the apartment without any need for further assistance. She wanted to tell Callie to go ahead, because she hated how her wife had to walk at almost a snail's pace in order to stay by her side. But she knew it was useless. Callie would never agree. To fill the time it was taking them to make it around the corner and to their apartment door, Arizona decided to find a neutral topic. "Is Sofia still at daycare?"

"Yeah. I called them on my way to the motel to let them know I was going to be late or someone else would be by to get her. I'll call Bailey once you're settled and have her get her. I was thinking…" She scratched at her neck and Arizona recognized her body language as being hesitant and nervous.

"What?"

Callie stopped just a few steps from their apartment door and looked at Arizona. "I can't take care of you and her at the same time."

"You don't need to mother me, Callie. It's not like I'm someone who's been a junkie for years. I doubt this will be too bad." Or at least she hoped, but she had to admit to herself that she really wasn't all that sure.

Callie shook her head. "If you don't want to end up at the hospital or in rehab, then I need to be one hundred percent there for you for the next few days. No arguments."

Arizona wanted to challenge her but she knew she was relying on Callie in this. She couldn't do this alone and the only other option could mean she would lose her career. She had already lost too much to face that as well. She nodded. "Okay, fine."

Callie smiled quickly before she obviously schooled her face to not show her happiness with Arizona's capitulation. "So, I'm going to call Bailey and see if she'll watch Sofia for the next few days. I'll see if she can go get your car, too. If it's left at the motel for too long it'll get towed or stolen."

Arizona felt panic start to well in her as she shook her head. "No, Callie, she can't know. No one can know."

"She won't," Callie cut in. "I'll tell her you came home and we want some time to work some things out. She'll keep it all under wraps and not pry. You know Bailey; she's not like all the other gossip hounds at the hospital. I'll pack a bag for Sofia and just run downstairs to give it to her. She won't even have to come up to the apartment, I promise."

Arizona wanted to argue. That was all she seemed to want to do no matter the topic when it came to discussions with Callie. But she needed to accept that she couldn't control everything and Callie just wanted to help her. As much as she still wasn't past her anger that Callie had called it wrong with her leg, she had to admit it wasn't done out of anything other than her wife wanting to help her. She needed to start cutting her a break and working with her and not against. "Okay."

"Okay? Just like that?"

"Yes. I don't have a choice, do I?"

"No." Callie's smile came to her lips and this time stayed. "Thank you for being amenable to the help."

"As long as she doesn't find out what's really going on."

Callie ran her finger over her chest twice. "Cross my heart. No one will ever need to know as long as we work together."

Arizona nodded, feeling suddenly very tired. She turned and started back toward the door, making slow progress as Callie went ahead and unlocked it. _Just a few more steps and you can rest._

As Callie stood to the side watching her walk over the threshold, she put her hand on Arizona's shoulder to stop her. "Welcome home, Arizona."

Arizona forced a smile onto her face and she nodded, not trusting her ability to keep the tension and emotion out of her voice. She then turned from Callie and continued her way into the apartment.

* * *

Callie wasn't sure whether to be happy or sad, hopeful or distraught. The all-too-familiar tension from before Arizona's departure was back, although there was just a small undercurrent of acceptance from her wife that eased Callie's apprehension. But there was still plenty there to make her muscles ache and her head throb. Instead she pushed all that down, knowing she needed to focus on her wife and getting her as comfortable with being home as possible. It would make the coming days of detox a little easier.

They made their way silently and painfully slowly through the apartment and into their bedroom. It was strange the mixture of pride and pain that seeing Arizona struggle to walk brought out in her. When she thought how briefly her wife had been in therapy and working with her prosthetic, it was astounding at her skill, but it still broke Callie's heart that she even had to go through this. She so often wondered if Arizona would still have her leg if she hadn't miscalled the embolism or if she would have lost it regardless. Even after all her years in ortho, she couldn't call it one way or the other. She would never know, could never know, because she had neglected to get all the information she needed before making her rash decision and now Arizona was relegated to halting and unsure steps as she struggled into the bedroom.

"You got rid of it," Arizona said quietly and quite obviously not really to Callie.

"The med bed? Of course." She had had their bed returned to its place only a few days after Arizona left. She wasn't going to sleep on the medical bed and she was sick of sleeping either on the couch or at Mark's. "It wasn't very comfortable," she said with a little laughter in her voice, hoping to cut some of the tension with a hint of humor.

"No, it wasn't," Arizona replied quietly as she stood and just looked at it.

"Don't worry, I'll sleep on the couch," Callie said, anticipating the thoughts running through her wife's head.

"I…" Arizona let out a deep breath and then nodded. "Thanks."

Callie felt a quick wave of disappointment run through her that Arizona didn't protest her offer, but she understood, and Arizona needed her rest, especially through this upcoming period of detoxing. Callie rocked from one foot to the other, feeling unsure of what she should do, so she decided to just turn off her emotions as much as possible and go into physician mode. "Why don't you change into something more comfortable and get into bed? I'll go get my medical bag so I can get a set of vitals. I want to have a good baseline." She went over to Arizona's dresser, ignoring the fact that her wife was looking at her almost like she had a second head, and reached down to the bottom drawer to pull out a set of sweats and a t-shirt for Arizona. She placed them on the bed and then finally looked over at Arizona. "Okay?"

"I don't need you to fetch my clothes, Callie. And I don't need you to be my doctor." There was a bite to her words and her blue eyes seemed icy as they bored into Callie.

Callie took a deep breath to quell the defensive retort that perched on her lips. "You're right, you don't need my help to get your clothes. I'm sorry. I was just trying to take care of you. But you're wrong about not needing me to be your doctor, Arizona. That is exactly what you need and that is why you called me, isn't it? You need me to get you through your withdrawal and part of that is making sure you are physically okay. I'm going to take your vitals and I'm going to keep taking them over the next few days and you're not going to argue, you got it?"

Callie could see Arizona's chest rise and fall heavily as her hand held a death grip on her cane. She was ready for Arizona to erupt, to rage against Callie's requirements or against her lot in life, but yet her wife remained silent. Finally, after what felt like minutes, Arizona nodded. "Okay. Can you give me a few minutes to wash up and change first? Maybe you can call Bailey. I know I need to cancel a few appointments for later this week."

Callie felt the tension in her shoulders ease just a little after Arizona's capitulation to her demand. She smiled easily at her wife and nodded. "Yeah, sure. I'll get things set with Bailey and maybe order some groceries. I haven't really been cooking much lately so there's not really anything nutritious here. And I want to make sure we have enough OTC meds to handle anything that might come up."

"Oh you mean the nausea, diarrhea, sleeplessness, muscle aches, cough, runny nose, and agitation?"

Callie tilted her head to the side thoughtfully and let out a quiet hum. "Yeah that about covers it, although there's nothing I can give you for the agitation I'm afraid."

Arizona rolled her eyes and let out a quiet laugh. "I guess I'll just have to be a bitch then."

Callie couldn't help but laugh along with her wife, relieved she could joke about her situation. "Okay, then, you take care of what you need to and I'll do the same. Holler when you're ready for your physical."

"If I have to."

Callie lifted her eyebrow in a little hint of challenge. "You do." She offered her wife a smile as she turned to walk out of the bedroom before she stopped. She reached up and undid the clasp of her necklace. She pulled it in front of her and then slid Arizona's ring off the chain. Placing it gently on Arizona's dresser, she turned to her wife. "For when you want it."

Arizona looked at her for a moment and then nodded her head once, but she didn't say anything.

"Okay, then," Callie said with a moment's hesitation before she then turned and walked back out into the living room. Once in the kitchen, she leaned heavily on the breakfast bar and let out a deep sigh. _Well, I guess so far so good, but this is going to suck to high heaven before it's all over._

* * *

Arizona sighed in relief as she finished removing her leg and slid fully up onto the bed. She ran her hand over the quilt, unable to keep the smile off her face at the familiar feel of it. As much as she had feared coming home, because of all the ghosts of her past that would surround her, she didn't feel that this time around. Instead she felt a strange sense of peace at being home, being where she belonged. She supposed that time had simply started to heal those wounds, just as her leg had started to heal, and now maybe it was time to just start moving forward. She knew it wouldn't be easy. She still needed to truly forgive Callie and they needed to find where their future would take them, but at least she wanted to find out where they were going. That at least was a pleasant change.

Her eyes tracked over to her dresser, to where the small silver and diamond ring was barely visible on her dresser. She certainly wasn't ready for that, yet, and she hated that that was the case. She so just wanted to be past all the uncertainty and doubt and pain. But there was something at least reassuring in having the option there. Callie at least wanted her back, that was plain to see. She hadn't completely burned that bridge and that was a relief. She just hoped it wouldn't be long until she was sure she was glad she was back.

But before she could worry about that too much, she needed to organize her present and with her head pounding and her stomach churning, she knew she better take care of the phone calls she needed to make before her physical reaction to withdrawal from the oxy began to spiral even further downhill. She grabbed her phone and first called Seattle Presbyterian to cancel her appointments for the rest of the week. She knew she'd have to come up with a good reason to explain to her shrink and to Pete as to why she had cancelled on them, but she would have days to come up with something sufficient that didn't involve the truth. That was certainly far down on her list of priorities for the time being.

What was higher was calling Rob and Brandon. She had promised the young boy she would see him before her next therapy appointment so she could read his paper but now she wouldn't be able to. She hated that she had to disappoint him, but her health was far more important. She just hoped he would understand.

"Hello?"

Arizona took a deep breath before concentrating on keeping her voice positive sounding. "Hi Rob, it's Arizona."

"Um, hi. What's up?" He sounded quite hesitant.

She closed her eyes as a wave of nausea hit and swallowed hard, trying to keep the bile burning at the back of her throat down long enough to finish the conversation. "Um, well, I just wanted to let you and Brandon know that I won't be at therapy tomorrow."

"Did something come up? Are you okay?" Now he sounded a little more engaged and concerned.

"No. Well, yes. I, well…" She blew out a long sigh. "I need to give up the drugs, Rob," she let out in a rush, slightly relieved that she could tell him since he was the only other person to know her situation. "I was starting to want them. I can't get addicted. More addicted," she said, barely audible.

There was a short pause before Rob answered. "Wow. Are you sure that's okay? I mean I know you've been in a lot of pain. Can't you just cut back?"

_God I wish I could._ She hated to admit how much she really wanted a pill just then. It would be such a relief to be done with the nagging pain in her leg and the churning in her gut. And if she could just get rid of the pounding in her head, she'd probably cry from happiness. But she couldn't. She couldn't let herself fall further down into that dark pit. Not if she wanted a future. "No, I need to just stop. I can live with the pain."

"Are you really sure? I hate to think of you suffering."

There was something in his voice that made the concern in his words sound rote. She frowned at the strange reaction but then shook her head and chased away the thought. "I'll be fine. And at least this way you won't need to play delivery boy for me anymore."

"I didn't mind you know."

"You're sweet." She couldn't help but smile at the good heart this young man had. It was hard to believe that they were both such great kids after all that they'd been through. It really did give her hope that she could somehow find some part of her old self down the road. "Anyway, can you tell Brandon I'm sorry I won't be there to read his paper." She bit at her lip and then a thought came to her. "Or he could email it to me. I'm probably not going to be feeling so hot the next few days while I adjust to being off the meds, but I can probably manage to read it. I'll text you my email address."

"Thanks. That would mean a lot to him. Arizona?"

"Yeah?"

There was a pause and then he finally said, "We'll see you next week, okay?"

"Sounds good. If you need anything you have my number." She felt a measure of responsibility to the two boys for some reason and she didn't want to leave them without permission to call her. They were both too sweet to bother her unless she welcomed it. "I mean it."

"Thanks. I hope you get through the next few days no problem."

She smiled then and nodded even though he couldn't see it. "Thanks. Well, see you next week."

"Bye."

She hung up and quickly flipped open her texting application to send Rob her email address. Then she closed her phone and put it on the bedside table. Her eyes tracked toward the bedroom door and sighed. Now that that was taken care of, she had nothing to do but focus on the present, on dealing with how her body was starting to rebel against what she had done to it over the past weeks, and on dealing with being home with Callie. Somehow she figured the withdrawal symptoms would be a piece of cake compared to working things out with her wife. Her head fell back onto the pillow as she let out a deep sigh. "Shit."

* * *

Callie pulled open the fridge and looked inside, taking a mental inventory of the few items in there. She was definitely going to need to order some food, even if it was likely that Arizona wouldn't have the appetite to eat much for the first day or two of the withdrawal. She at least needed to eat, and eat healthy, because she had been having far too much takeout lately and she could tell it was far from helping her mental and physical state.

She closed the fridge and pulled out her phone, quickly dialing Bailey's number as she went to the couch. She opened her laptop and turned it on while the phone rang.

"Hello?"

"Bailey. It's Callie. I need a huge favor. Actually, two favors." She winced, waiting for one of Bailey's retorts to come back at her.

"And they are?" There was surprisingly little bite to her words.

"Um, well, Arizona called me and she wanted to come home."

"That's great, Callie. I guess I don't have to handle toddler delivery anymore."

"Um, well," Callie started and swallowed hard, giving herself a minute to take a breath before carrying on. "I don't suppose you could watch Sofia for a few days? Arizona and I need some time alone to work on things and, to be honest, there's going to be fighting and screaming and crying and all that nastiness and I don't want Sofia here for that. Neither of us does." Strangely enough she hadn't really had to lie. She knew there would be all of those in the coming days as they maneuvered around one another and tried to piece together where their lives were and whether they still fit together. She really didn't want to think about all those confrontations right then, though, as convenient as they were as a reason for needing Bailey's help.

Bailey was quiet for a moment and Callie's heart started beating harder, afraid her friend would turn her down. She supposed she could ask Meredith and Derek as a backup, but the fewer people who were around the periphery of their lives at that point the better. She had decided to walk down this road with Arizona, this road that included a physician taking illegal drugs and another physician helping to cover that up, and they couldn't risk having too many prying eyes peering in at them. But finally Bailey simply replied, "Okay."

"Okay?"

"Yes, okay." Callie heard Bailey let out a sigh. "You two have been through some real shit the last few years and yet you're still together. That says something. So I want to help you have the best shot at continuing together, both for the two of you and for that adorable kid of yours. You all deserve that shot. And besides I can't have the only couple I've ever married break up. Not if I have anything to say about it."

"Miranda, thank you so much. It means a lot to us. I can pack up some stuff for her and have it ready for when you leave work. She's still in the daycare, by the way, so if you could stop by to get her, that would be great. I don't want to leave Arizona alone right now."

"And what's the other favor?"

_So like her to just get to the point and not chit chat._ "Um, well, I picked Arizona up at the motel. She wasn't feeling so hot so we came home in my car. Her car is still there."

"So now I'm a parking attendant? I drop off cars and pick them up when needed?"

Callie sighed heavily as she realized she really was asking too much of Bailey. It was very much not fair. But she really had no choice, although if Bailey didn't agree to the car pickup she supposed it wouldn't be the end of the world if Arizona's car was towed and held for a few days. "You know, you're right, that's asking too much. I'll go get it when I can."

"No, no," Bailey grumbled. "Give me her keys when you give me Sofia's stuff and I'll go over tomorrow. I'll get someone to give me a lift over there."

Callie's smile burst out on her face as relief flooded through her. "Thanks so much, Miranda. You don't know how much this means to me."

"Well you now owe me a ton, Torres, so you can expect to be pulling babysitting duty quite a bit in the future."

"You just say when. So, give me a call when you're leaving the hospital. I'll meet you downstairs with her stuff so you don't have to get the kids out of the car."

"Actually I'll send an intern over. I'm going to need a car seat, too. Tuck is with his dad right now, but his seat is too big for Sofia."

"Right, right." Callie worried about having another person involved but she could at least intimidate an intern so they'd keep their mouth shut. "Okay have that intern give me a call. I'll have the stuff ready in an hour at the latest."

"Okay. And Torres?"

"Yeah?"

"I hope things work out for you two."

"Thanks." Callie smiled as she hung up the phone but it turned wistful as her eyes moved toward the bedroom door. She had no idea what would happen in the coming days, but there was one thing she was sure of. Their marriage, their family, would be decided in the near future. Callie's stomach churned at the uncertainty of it all. She let out a deep breath, trying to quell the nausea washing over her. "Take it one moment at a time," she told herself as she looked down at her laptop, opening a browser and navigating to the local grocery store's delivery site. "But first thing's first, let's get us some supplies."

* * *

"You ready?"

Arizona looked up from her hands, which for some reason had become quite interesting for the last few minutes while she avoided inviting Callie into the bedroom. Now that she was settled and they were each done the tasks they needed to accomplish right up front, there was only the long hours of being together, alone, to look forward to. Not that Arizona was particularly looking forward to them. Awkward interactions with her wife while trying to process what she was feeling with a good sized dollop of withdrawal systems certainly didn't sound like a good way to spend the near future. But she had no choice in the matter, not really when she considered she could have continued going on and falling further and further into the rabbit hole of drugs and despair. "Time to stop running," she whispered to herself with a sigh. She then took a deep breath and called out, "Yeah, come in."

Callie walked in only a second later, her hands full with her medical bag, a bottle of water, and a few over the counter medication bottles. "I realize ibuprofen and Pepto-Bismol are not going to give you too much relief but that's about all we can give you safely without requiring a prescription. And I know, I know, no outside help so no prescriptions." Callie placed the two bottles of medication on the bedside table and handed Arizona the bottle of water. "Do you need either now?"

Arizona took the cool bottle and shook her head. "No, right now it isn't too bad. The headache has gotten a little better by just being still I guess. But thanks for the water. Got to stay hydrated."

"Yes, you do," Callie said with a smile that seemed a little tense. She looked at Arizona for a few seconds before seeming to snap out of her thoughts and looking down at her black medical bag. She placed it on the bed and opened it, rummaging around inside until she came out with her BP cuff, stethoscope, penlight and a pad and pen. She came over and sat down next to Arizona on her left side, and started disentangling the cuff. With a quiet laugh she said, "I can't remember the last time I took a manual BP."

Arizona barely heard her, and didn't laugh at all. Instead she was staring at where Callie sat. "You're sitting where my leg should be," she finally whispered more to give voice to her thoughts than to really say it specifically to Callie.

"Oh," her wife said as she sat up straighter, her eyes flickering down to Arizona's left leg. But she didn't move. When she finally spoke, her voice was tight with emotion. "Arizona?"

Arizona didn't lift her head as she replied, "Yeah?" Her eyes were just fixated to the spot where Callie was sitting.

"Look at me. Please?"

Arizona shot her eyes up more out of reflex than any conscious decision. "What?" she asked, almost as if she had no idea what they were talking about, but really she was just feeling so out of sorts right then that her brain wasn't quite catching up.

"Your leg was amputated. It's gone. As much as we both hate it, as much as I will feel guilty for making the wrong call until my last breath, there's nothing that's going to change that." She started to reach out to Arizona but stopped, her hand awkwardly hanging in the air between them before she quickly pulled it back to her lap. "I'm so sorry, but you know you need to accept it, right? You don't ever have to like it, but you need to find a way to move on."

Arizona swallowed hard and gave herself a moment before replying. She was actually surprised that she didn't snap back or even feel angry at the reminder that Callie had authorized the amputation without all the information and she had turned out to be wrong. "I know," she said, her voice shaky. She closed her eyes and took a few breaths as she felt tears threatening to squeeze out between her eyelids. She finally opened her eyes and looked up at the ceiling. "I want to and I'm trying." She looked at Callie and forced her lips up into a sad smile. "I really am."

"I know you are and I'm so proud of you for that."

Arizona laughed dryly. "You're proud of me for yelling and screaming and running away?"

"No." Callie shook her head and then smiled. "I'm proud of you for asking for help and coming back. I'm proud of you for taking control and starting your recovery. I know there's still a long way to go for both of us and I, for one, hope that path leads us back to each other, but if it doesn't, well…" She reached up and wiped at her eyes, then blinked quickly to obviously clear the tears welling in her eyes. "If it doesn't, I'll still be proud of you. You're recovering and that's really all that matters."

"It doesn't feel so much like I'm recovering right now." The headache that nibbled at the space behind her eyes was just the tip of the iceberg of what she could be facing and right then, the prospect of being bed bound for the next few days felt like a huge slide in the wrong direction.

"Arizona, you walked into this apartment under your own power, with just a cane. That is huge. And we've just sat here for probably five minutes and haven't yelled once." She laughed. "Come on, you know that's progress."

This time Arizona laughed along with her. "Yeah, I guess it is. It feels good to not be so angry. That's not me."

"No, it's not. And I know you don't feel like yourself all that much right now, but you're in there, and you'll find your way out." She nodded resolutely.

"You promise?" She just wasn't so sure and felt so lost. And part of her really didn't want the old Arizona to come back. That was a little too scary of a thought right then. She had no idea how to be happy and perky Arizona with a metal and plastic leg.

"I do." She then looked down at the objects in her lap. "No, can you give me your arm so I can see if I remember how to do this?"

Arizona laughed a little louder at that. "Listen for the heartbeat to go away and then for it to come back again. It's not rocket science."

"I know, I know." Callie reached out and put the cuff around Arizona's arm. "Now, let's get this over with so you can get a nap in."

Arizona was relieved that Callie was giving her an out then. While it had been nice to have a decent conversation with her wife, and an important one at that, she was a little tired, both physically and emotionally. It had been a long and crazy day that had changed so much in her life and she just needed a break and time to allow herself to settle into this new phase in her life, in her recovery. "That sounds wonderful."

TBC…


	10. Chapter 10

**The Place You Alone Can Fill**

**By AmboDriver**

**Disclaimer:** As usual, I don't own anything. I'm just playing around with them. They are owned by Shondaland, ABC, and probably a lot of other really rich folks.

**A/N: **Sorry this took a while. I wanted to finish 502 Stories before the end of the TV season, and of course then had to process the emotions of the finale and what's to come. I've decided I'm going to use this story to say what I want to say about that, since really they are dealing with most of the same issues here (minus the obvious cheating).

And just to clarify/remind everyone that when I say Callie made a mistake, she did in THIS story (not on the show, no matter what Arizona thinks). When I started this story it was right after 9x03 (feels like a lifetime ago and just shows I'm an incredibly slow writer) and there were some hints that I felt could mean Callie made the wrong decision so I decided to run with it and came up with another plausible reason for Arizona almost dying (it's a stretch, but it's plausible). The fact that Callie made the decision without all the information is one aspect of what they need to work through. And it really gets to the heart of many of their issues both here and on the show.

Conflict, after all, is my game. I'm not really a rainbows and ponies kind of girl. Well, maybe a rainbows girl in the end…but you need a little rain to get the rainbow after all.

Let me know what you think. I always appreciate your thoughts.

* * *

**Chapter 10**

Arizona rolled on her side and frantically grabbed at the bucket on the floor, lifting it to her face and retching into it, bile stinging her throat but nothing coming out of her long empty stomach. She coughed hard a few times, waiting for the roiling in her stomach to subside, and then lowered the bucket back to the floor. She grabbed at the bottle of lukewarm water on the bedside table, took a small swallow, and then she rolled back over onto her back, her hand flung over her forehead. "This sucks," she muttered quietly.

"I bet it does," Callie said as she came over and looked down into the bucket. Arizona knew from all too frequent use that there was just a little of the almost clear fluid inside. At this point the only thing she was able to take in was water or occasionally a little of the electrolyte solution Callie was giving her, but neither tended to stay down for long. "You're getting pretty dehydrated. I'm going to start an IV."

Arizona laughed dryly. "And here I thought you kept the IV supplies in case of a bad hangover."

Callie's eyebrow arched up as she crossed her arms over her chest. "And what do you call this? I'd say this is about the mother of all hangovers, right?"

"Worse," Arizona groaned as the pounding in her head forced her to shut her eyes. "Can you turn off the lights, they're making my migraine worse." The brightness playing on the insides of her eyelids dimmed and she sighed heavily in relief.

"Is that better?"

"Relatively, yes."

"Good. Be right back."

Arizona sighed in relief again as she felt more than heard Callie leave the room. The last day had been a new form of hell, and Arizona was sadly an expert in that now. But this was worse than before she left Callie, because this was tension, and anger, and sadness, and regret with a shooter of gut wrenching oxy withdrawal. It was like all the emotions she'd felt since waking up with one less leg were physically manifesting themselves in her and it was worse than she could ever think possible. And for the first time in a long time she really just wanted all the negative stuff to be behind her. She didn't want to feel this horrible any more. She just wasn't sure if that was possible now or how to make all the pain better. And, sadly, she wasn't ready or able to rely on her wife to help out. It was hard enough to have Callie nursing her through the physical pain of withdrawal. Anything else was just too much to consider right then.

The light shuffle of feet coming back into the room caused Arizona to slowly ease one eyelid open. The small lamp on Callie's dresser gave off just enough light so that she could see her wife clearly without the brightness causing her stomach to churn. She could see the two bags of saline in Callie's hand. "You really weren't kidding about an IV, huh?"

"You know dehydration isn't going to help you feel better." Callie's hand went to Arizona's forehead for a moment. "You're starting to run a fever."

"It's to be expected. I'd say I'm starting to hit the worst. The next two days are going to be pretty bad." She had to admit, this was already worse than she thought it would be. _I guess I was more addicted than I wanted to believe. But damn if I couldn't go for a little oxy just now to take the edge off._

Callie was already taking Arizona's arm and putting the blood pressure cuff around it. "Yes, they probably will be. But I promise you, Arizona, I'm going to get you through this."

"Like you got me through the embolism by chopping off my leg?" Arizona bit out before she could stop herself. "Sorry," she added quickly, quietly.

"No, you're not." Callie's voice was tense as she started to pump up the cuff.

The cold stethoscope on the inside of her elbow actually felt good against her hot skin and Arizona let out the smallest of sighs, putting Callie's words out of her mind for a moment to just enjoy this tiniest bit of relief. But when it was gone, she opened both her eyes and looked up at her wife. She waited for Callie to finish removing the cuff. "I am sorry."

"140 over 90 so you're up a bit, but that's to be expected between the opiate withdrawal and the dehydration." Callie peeled off the cuff and put it on the bedside table before she looked at her wife, her brown eyes softening. "You could never be more angry with me than I am with myself. I should have known better." She took a breath before her eyes fell to the IV supplies in her lap. She began setting everything up as she continued talking. "But you want to know something? I didn't fail you by telling Karev to cut off your leg and not realizing it was an embolism. I failed you by letting you think it could be saved in the first place, by not telling you the truth when you needed to hear it. It should have been done much sooner, maybe even right after you got back to Seattle. Yes, your leg might still be here today if we'd figured out it was a PE and not sepsis, but you're much better off today without it than you'd be with it. I'm pretty sure you even know that." She cringed as if waiting for a physical blow.

"I do," was all Arizona said. She had known it all along, really, but that hadn't meant she had wanted to give in to that reality. "I still think I'd rather be worse off, though."

Callie sighed heavily as she finished laying everything out. "I know and I'm sorry." She held Arizona's eyes for a moment before she stood up. "Going to go wash my hands before I insert the IV."

Arizona closed her eyes while Callie was in the bathroom and just concentrated on breathing and pressing down the nausea that was threatening a renewed need for her bucket. She was so tired of all the emotional crap on top of just being exhausted, and yet it had been at least twenty hours since she'd last slept and she could tell by the agitation prickling at her skin that it was likely to be difficult to sleep anytime soon. She went over the symptoms of opiate withdrawal—fever, coughing, nausea, agitation, aches, sweating and diarrhea. So far she had had all but the last, and that was bound to join her misery soon. And that was going to be the worst of all, because it wasn't like she had any hope of making it to the bathroom on short notice. Her humiliation about what her life had become was about to be complete.

The water turned off in the bathroom and then a moment later Callie was sitting back beside her on the bed. "Arizona?"

She rolled her eyes under closed eyelids at her wife's need for her to be present, to talk through all this care, when really all she wanted to do was try her hardest to ignore that her wife was caring for her like she was some sort of child. _Or invalid. Just when I was becoming less of one I'm back in that boat._ She shivered then, as a renewed chill swept through her, and then opened her eyes. "What?"

Callie opened the packet containing an alcohol swab and began cleaning the skin of Arizona's lower arm. "Do you think you'll ever be able to forgive me?" She stopped and looked up at Arizona, fear playing in her dark eyes. "Do you even want to?"

Arizona drew in a sharp breath at the question. "I don't know. I wish I did, but I don't."

Callie swallowed hard as tears welled in her eyes. "Okay. Okay." Her voice was tense as she nodded and looked down at the IV kit laid out on the bed. "Let's get this IV in, okay?"

Arizona felt a tug at her heart then, at the pain Callie was feeling. It was like Arizona was seeing it for the first time since waking up after the surgery. "Callie?"

"What?" Her voice was a little more biting than she must have wanted because she winced. She swallowed hard and then repeated a little softer. "What?"

"I'll try."

Callie smiled then as she nodded. "Okay, let's get this stick done."

* * *

Callie pulled the comforter up over the freshly made bed and then sat on it with a heavy sigh. Her eyes drifted to the bathroom door, through which she could still hear the shower running. She felt horrible for Arizona. She knew that her wife was humiliated about the diarrhea she hadn't been able to control and the fact she had had to ask Callie for even more help. As doctors, they both knew there was nothing really to be done other than take some medication and hope that stemmed the tide. But that couldn't be started until the first bout, and with Arizona's lack of mobility, there was no surprise in the fact that there hadn't been time to get her into the bathroom when that first sudden attack had hit.

Callie would certainly do anything for Arizona and this was nothing as far as she was concerned. But she knew Arizona had been mortified by it all, and the way she had snapped at Callie to get out once she had settled onto the shower seat, still in her sweats, had really told Callie exactly how she felt. "This'll pass," she said quietly to herself, hoping that there wouldn't be a repeat of this, so that Arizona would have a chance to put it behind her and her mood would improve. Callie had had such hope a little earlier, because there were definitely hints of her wife that peaked through in some of their conversations. And she was sure that after the worst of this was past, Arizona would find a way to come back to her. It would take time and a lot of work, but she just knew deep down that it would happen sooner or later. That dogged belief was what got her through every moment of every day, because without it, she'd be curled in a ball crying her eyes out, mourning the loss of her wife almost assuredly as if she had died out in those woods.

She took a deep breath and went to Arizona's dresser, pulling out a fresh change of clothes and some underwear. She then went over and knocked on the bathroom door, opening it just enough so her voice would make it through the sound of the shower. "Arizona, I've got some clothes for you. Can I bring them in?"

There was a pause and Callie sighed as she hated that things had gotten so strained that her wife wasn't comfortable with having Callie in the bathroom while she showered. Callie was sure it was far more than just self-esteem about the changes to her body. And she had to wonder if Arizona would ever feel comfortable with her again. "Arizona?" she finally prompted when the silence dragged on.

"Um, yeah, just…"

"I won't look. Promise."

There was another pause, this time shorter, and then Arizona said. "Okay."

Callie let just the smallest hint of a smile creep onto her lips as she pushed the door open. She wasn't completely able to keep her promise as her peripheral vision caught just a hint of Arizona sitting in the shower stall amid the heavy steam of her all-too-hot shower, a wet t-shirt still covering her. Callie's heart hurt at the slumped shoulders and defeated demeanor. This wasn't the amazing woman she had fallen in love with, the bright force of nature that had once been Arizona Robbins. This was an empty shell of that woman, shrunken and beaten down by circumstances. While Arizona lost her brother before meeting Callie, there was little but painful incident after painful incident dotting the time since she had met her wife, and sometimes Callie worried that Arizona would figure that out one day and decide it was better, safer even, to get out from under this black cloud that had covered their lives all too often.

She placed the pajamas and underwear on the sink, not wanting to block the toilet just in case. She then went back out into the bedroom quickly and grabbed Arizona's crutches so that she could bring them in to prop up against the wall next to the shower. "Okay, everything you need should be here. Holler if I forgot anything."

She waited for a moment to see if she would hear anything. Just as she sighed and turned to leave, Arizona finally spoke, her voice barely audible. "Thanks."

Callie couldn't help but smile at the small admission of appreciation. "You're welcome." She gave just the quickest of looks toward the shower before schooling her attention and going back out into the bedroom.

She grabbed the basket with the soiled linens and went out into the living room so she could start a load, but stopped short when the phone rang. _Please just be a telemarketer. I don't want to have to pretend to be happy Callie right now._ She placed the basket on the floor and went and grabbed the phone. "Hello?"

"Callie, it's Owen."

"Um, hi," she said, a little unsure of why her friend was calling and whether it was as a friend or as her boss.

"Listen, I need to talk to Arizona."

Callie wasn't expecting that and did a quick double take. "Um, well, she's in the shower. Can I take a message or have her call you back?"

There was a brief pause before Owen let out a light breath. "A patient came into the ER, a gunshot victim, and his little brother was with him. When we asked him about the rest of his family, he said he didn't have anyone. Then I asked about friends or other adults and he said he knew Arizona. His name's Brandon Young. Can you ask her if she knows him and, I don't know, he's really upset about his brother and I don't want to just call social services if she might be able to help."

Callie's eyes drifted to the bedroom door and she strained to hear if the shower was still running, but then she remembered the door was closed. "Okay, I'll tell her. One of us will call you back in a few minutes or so, okay?"

"That'd be good. I've got an intern watching him right now, but he's really worried. His brother was shot in the stomach and it's going to be touch and go. He'll be in surgery for a while I think. Bailey's taking care of it. That's really about all I know."

"Thanks, Owen. Like I said one of us will call you back in a few." She hung up the phone and sighed, unsure of what this new information would do to her wife, but there was no way she would not tell her. She tapped the receiver in her hand as she thought about ways to tell her, but then just let out a deep breath. "Direct is probably best."

She went back into the bedroom and was relieved to see her wife sitting on the bed, rubbing at her hair with a towel. She must have heard her, because Arizona turned around suddenly, her eyes apprehensive. "Could you give me a few more minutes?"

"Arizona, Owen just called."

Her blue eyes narrowed in confusion. "Do you need to go in?"

"Um, no," Callie said as she walked another step into the room. "You might need to, though."

"What? No, I'm not…I can't…" The panic quickly strained her voice and she just shook her head.

"Arizona, you know a kid named Brandon, right?"

"What?" Arizona's eyes flew wide and now the panic was clearly no longer for herself. "What happened? Is he okay?"

"His brother, well, Hunt says he was shot."

A breath seemed to rip from Arizona's lungs as she just stared at Callie. She then swallowed hard, obviously gathering herself. "Is he okay? And what about Bran?"

Callie shrugged with a slight shake of her head. "All Hunt said was he was shot in the abdomen and he's in surgery now. Bailey's in there so that's good. And when they asked Brandon who they could call, he gave them your name." She resisted the urge to ask her wife more, to find out more about her relationship with this kid. Now was far from the time.

Arizona's breathing quickened as she threw the towel onto the bed. "I need to get over there and check on him. He doesn't have anyone besides his brother and he must be terrified." She started to push herself up but then collapsed back onto the bed and seemed to just stop before she looked up at Callie sadly.

Callie could see the look on her wife's face and understood. "Okay, here's what we'll do." She walked over and handed Arizona the phone receiver. "You call Hunt and tell him we're on our way over. I'll dig out something for you to wear and then I'll give you your privacy."

There was a flash on Arizona's face, a moment that played in her eyes, that told Callie so much. There was a hint of fear, followed by a sadness that sat there dimming her blue eyes, and finally just the smallest tilt to the left side of her mouth up into a smile as she nodded. "Thanks."

"No need for thanks. He seems important to you."

"They both are." She looked down at the phone for a moment. "You don't have to stay, Callie. If you can just drop me off, I'll be fine."

She shook her head vehemently. "First off, I want to be there to help out. But more importantly, you're in the middle of withdrawal, Arizona. You're going to need someone to help you out if the symptoms get worse and you don't want anyone else to know, right?"

Arizona just looked at her for a moment before she nodded. "Thank you."

Callie smiled before turning to rummage in her wife's dresser for a set of sweats and a pair of socks. She then moved the lone sneaker over near her, feeling a tug at seeing the single shoe with its match already on her prosthetic. "I'm going to make sure we have some supplies for you, the meds and some electrolytes and stuff. You call Hunt and get changed. Yell if you need anything."

Arizona smiled finally, although there was an incredible amount of tension in it. "Okay." Her eyes fell then to the phone as she began to dial.

Callie didn't wait. She went back out into the living room, taking a moment to finally move the basket of soiled bed linens to the closet where their washing machine was, leaving it sitting on top for later. She spent the next few moments collecting what they could possibly need—some of the over the counter medications Arizona was taking along with some water, the Pedialyte she had been giving her, and a few packs of crackers in case she found she could keep food down. She then packed everything in a bag and planned to grab some spare clothes for her wife just in case. There was no knowing how long they were going to be there and how her condition would manifest itself in that time.

Callie put her shoes on and looked around the apartment, making sure there was nothing else she would want or need for the foreseeable future. Satisfied that she had what they needed, she went to sit on the arm of the couch, waiting for Arizona to be ready to go.

A few minutes later, Arizona came out of the bedroom, using her crutches to walk on the prosthetic. That right there told Callie that Arizona was feeling awful, because she obviously didn't think she could manage the cane right then, and Callie worried that this trip to the hospital might be too much for her. "What did Hunt say?"

"That he's terrified, that Rob was critical when he came in and might not make it." She placed the phone down on the base and then took a deep breath. "Are we ready?"

"Let me just get a few things from the bedroom and then we can go." Callie grabbed the bag, not wanting Arizona to see that she was grabbing some spare clothes for her. She didn't want Arizona to think she was assuming there would be problems by needing them. It struck Callie that she was preparing for this like she would to take Sofia to daycare and she stopped short, tears pooling in the corners of her eyes. Circumstances had turned her wife into someone who needed the care a toddler needed in many ways, and while it was certainly only going to be this dire for the next few days, it still broke her heart. She sighed heavily. "God, Arizona," she whispered to herself as her eyes drifted toward the living room. "How did this happen to us?"

She gave herself a moment to just be in that thought, to live with the conscious acknowledgement of how hard everything had become and how hard it was going to be just to get them back to being okay. And to think that there was now this added complication of a young boy needing Arizona on top of everything else, just made Callie really dread what was to come. _Maybe the distraction will help her. A tiny human needs her, of course she's going to him. That's the closest to the old Arizona she's been since the crash._ She tried not to think about the fact that she could be more Arizona with a relative stranger than with her own wife or daughter. It was just too depressing to think about.

Callie grabbed two changes of clothing and a towel from the bathroom, along with a few toiletries, and stuffed them all in the bag. She then swung it up on her shoulder and came back out into the living room to find Arizona already in her jacket and standing by the front door. "Ready?"

There was just a second of hesitation before Arizona nodded. "Let's go."

TBC…


	11. Chapter 11

**The Place You Alone Can Fill**

**By AmboDriver**

**Disclaimer:** As usual, I don't own anything. I'm just playing around with them. They are owned by Shondaland, ABC, and probably a lot of other really rich folks.

**A/N:**Thanks for all your reviews folks. Since one reviewer asked, let me assure you there will be no cheating in this story. In fact we're already slowly entering the healing stages, although there's a lot of healing to do, so it still won't be easy.

* * *

**Chapter 11**

Arizona kept her head down as she slowly walked through the halls of Seattle Grace Mercy West, trying to ignore the stares from her colleagues as she focused instead on making it to the lounge where she knew Brandon was waiting. He needed her, and if there was one thing that Arizona could allow herself to be motivated by regardless of how uncomfortable it made her, it was a child in need. Especially one as kind and brave as Brandon.

Arizona shot a quick look over to Callie, who was doing her best to keep to the slower pace that was necessitated not only by Arizona's halting steps with her prosthetic, but with the crutches she had decided to bring with her. And she had to admit, the general weakness from her withdrawal symptoms was certainly hampering her ability to move at a decent pace. Still, it was nice that Callie was being patient with her, even if the exaggerated slowness of her steps was just another reminder of how her leg was impacting them both.

As much as she hated to admit it, she was grateful that Callie was there with her. She felt like she was walking into a lion's den of pitfalls, where any indication that she was suffering from withdrawal could mean her career was at risk. While she still wasn't sure what her future held, or whether she'd even be able to handle being a surgeon again, she knew she didn't want that choice taken from her just because she'd given in to her weakness and let the drugs start to control her life. And having Callie there, knowing that she had her back even if Arizona probably didn't deserve it for all that she'd put her wife through, meant that she felt more secure in risking this trip to the hospital.

When they reached the lounge, Callie moved ahead and gave a quick knock on the door, pausing for a moment before opening it and then holding it open for her wife. Arizona gave her a quick half smile as she lumbered past, her eyes quickly taking in the soft browns looking at her with so much compassion it nearly broke her heart. But then her attention was being drawn into the lounge as she heard Brandon cry out, "Arizona!"

She turned to him, forcing as bright of a smile on her face as she could muster under the circumstances. "Brandon, hey," she said as she dropped her crutches and wrapped her arms around the young boy when he practically knocked her over in his need to be in her arms. She felt Callie's hands on her back, giving her the stability she needed to remain on her feet, and added a mental note to thank her wife later, but in that moment, she needed to focus on her young friend. She leaned down so that she could speak to him quietly. "Kiddo, I'm sorry about Rob, but I'm sure he'll be okay. The surgeons here are the best."

He looked up her with his grey-green eyes brimming with tears. "I haven't heard anything in a long time. What if he's…" His lip quivered and then he broke down into sobs, his body shaking in her arms.

Her first instinct was to kneel down to his level so that she could speak with him, but of course she couldn't manage that yet, so she tilted his chin up and said, "Hey, let's go sit down for a minute. You know how much I hate standing."

That brought the smallest of sad smiles to his lips as he nodded. He took her hand and slowly led her over to the couch by the window, matching her halting steps with his easy ones. As they sat, she noticed out of the corner of her eye that Callie was bringing over her crutches, setting them down against the arm of the couch. "Thanks," she said to her wife.

"Do you want me to go see what I can find out?"

That brought a genuine smile to Arizona's lips as she let out a breath of relief. While Rob wasn't family, he had quickly come to be a good friend to her and she was worried about him just as much as she was about Brandon. "That would be wonderful. Thank you."

"Call me if you need anything. I'll be back as soon as I can." Callie hesitated for a moment before nodding with a smile and then quietly exiting the room, motioning with her head to the intern that had been seated in the far corner that he, too, should leave.

Arizona wiped at her eyes then, realizing that she had tears in them for the first time, and then turned back to Brandon. "Callie will let us know how he's doing."

Bran's brow creased. "Is she a doctor?"

Arizona nodded, remembering then that she had never mentioned her wife to the young boy. She hadn't wanted to give any hint of her own problems other than the physical, especially to a kid who could never understand the complexities of how the amputation had impacted their relationship. But now she certainly owed it to both Bran and Callie to let him understand a little of what was going on if he was going to be around the two of them in the near future. "She is. She's also my wife."

Brandon's eyes squinted for a moment before he smiled as if he had totally forgotten about his brother's troubles for a moment. "You didn't tell me you were married."

"I know. I'm sorry. She and I, well, it's been hard lately. We were taking a little break from one another when I started my therapy." She shrugged. "It's all adult stuff and I don't want you to worry about it, okay? But she'll probably be around while I'm here. I haven't been feeling too well lately. I've had a stomach bug so she's here to make sure I don't get sicker." She felt a twinge of guilt at the easy lie, but then again what was she supposed to say? She certainly couldn't tell him that she had been taking drugs and that his own brother had been the one to get them for her. It was more than he could understand, more than he should have to understand at his age, and he had far bigger worries. This wasn't about her, this was about him. "But that's not really important, okay? I'm here to make sure you're okay."

"Rob, he…" Brandon dissolved into tears again as she fell into her lap, his spindly arms wrapping around her waist even as she pulled him into a tight hug. "I was doing homework when Mrs. White came knocking on the door. She lives across the hall. She said Rob had been hurt, been shot, outside our building. I…Getting shot hurts so much and it's so scary."

It broke her heart that he even knew that. Today's events had to have been all the worse for the young boy because he had been through the same thing. "I know, Bran. I know it hurts." If it was even half as painful as having your femur snap in two and pop through the skin of your thigh, she knew it had to be hellacious. "What happened next?" She wanted to help him get this all out, both so that she would know what he'd gone through but also so that he could have a chance to begin to deal with it.

"I ran down the steps. I've never run down them before, but I wasn't thinking. I just did it. I tripped once and tumbled down a few steps, but I was okay and luckily my leg didn't come off." He sniffled loudly and let out a deep breath. "When I got outside, the police were there and so was the ambulance. They tried to keep me away, but Mrs. White yelled at them. I got to see him before they put him in the ambulance. He wasn't awake and he was white. They had a big bandage over his stomach but it was turning red. They only let me have a few seconds with him, Arizona, and then they had to get going. The ambulance guys made it sound like he was going to die." His tears erupted loudly again. "Please, I don't want him to die."

"Shh," she said quietly, trying to get him in some semblance of control so that he would be able to really hear what she had to say. When he sat up a little to wipe at the tears flooding his cheeks, she smiled down at him. "Listen to me. You know I'm a doctor and I promise you I will tell you the absolute truth, okay?" She knew from personal experience that having someone try to be optimistic when they knew better and then having that optimism crushed when reality set in was far more damaging than facing the truth head on. "I don't know how he's doing right now, but it's been a while since he was shot and he's still in surgery, so that means he's still alive. He's made it this far, okay? I can't promise anything, I can't promise that he'll live or be okay, but that's a good sign. That much I know. And we'll know more soon once Callie checks in on him. She's going up to the OR now to see what she can find out."

He nodded at her and then buried himself back into his arms. "I'm glad you're here."

Arizona let out a deep breath as she leaned down to place a kiss on his hair. "I'm glad I'm here, too. And I'm not going anywhere until we know he's safe."

* * *

Callie pulled a mask out of the box in the scrub room and quickly tied it around her face. She had run up to the locker room to put on a pair of scrubs so that she could go into the OR and really get a feel for how the young man was doing. Doing everything she could to help Arizona and her young friend was what was important right now. She had never once questioned her desire to help, knowing that if she were going to have any chance of salvaging her marriage, and most importantly simply helping Arizona be happy and healthy again, she had to be as supportive through this as possible. This was a chance for Arizona to see that she really was still herself, she really was still the caring doctor that she had been before the plane crash, and Callie knew that once her wife had that belief instilled in her again, all the rest would surely follow with enough time and hard work.

She walked through the doors into the OR and stood quietly in the back of the room, taking a moment to gather as much information as she could without interrupting the flow of the surgery. Bailey was working alongside a third-year resident and an intern with the help of two scrub nurses. The anesthesiologist looked up at her as she entered and gave a curt nod before turning his gaze back to the monitors. Callie's eyes followed and she watched the numbers and heart rhythm go across the computer screen. _Far from good but not life threatening right now._

"Torres?"

Callie looked up to see Bailey's dark brown eyes peering at her, her hands stilled over the boy's abdomen. "Sorry, I just wanted to see how he was doing."

"Do you know him?"

"Arizona does." She knew she wouldn't have to explain more to Bailey. She had been there for her and Arizona as often as possible in the last weeks. Bailey would know how important it was if Arizona was interested in this boy's wellbeing.

Bailey nodded as she looked down at the surgical field in front of her. "He coded once, but we got him back. He's lost his spleen and a kidney. He had a liver laceration and some damage to his stomach that we've repaired, although he's not going to be going to any all-you-can-eat buffets and getting his money's worth ever again. And he needed a bowel resection. I took out about a third of his small intestines. That damned bullet bounced around like his insides were a pinball machine. He's needed six liters of blood so far and we're still tracking down a few small bleeders, but the worst is fixed. We should be done in less than an hour unless there are complications."

Callie smiled under her mask. It sounded like he had been in horrible shape, but as usual, Bailey had performed some of her amazing work and saved his life. "Thank you. I'll let Arizona know." She then stopped. "How's Sofia?"

Callie could see the smile in her friend's eyes. "I might not give her back. She's been amazing. If you want to see her, she's down in daycare."

"Great, thanks. Can you keep her maybe another two days?" Callie figured by then the worst of Arizona's withdrawal would be over and the danger for this young man should be past. Hopefully by then Arizona would be ready to start healing their family and having Sofia around could only help.

"Of course. Torres?"

"Yeah?"

"Everything okay?"

Callie knew Bailey would never ask her anything specific in front of so many relative strangers, but yet she truly appreciated the inquiry. "As well as I guess I could hope. I'll talk to you later about it. Come find me when you get a chance. We're in the third floor attendings' lounge."

Bailey just nodded before her eyes fell back to her work and then she was busy with her instruments doing the intricate repairs that she was so skilled at. Callie stood for a moment to watch before turning and heading back into the scrub room. She took off her mask and scrub cap before pulling her phone out of her pocket and sending off a quick text message to her wife.

* * *

Arizona had listened to Brandon tell her more about how he had gotten to the hospital and how afraid he was that his brother would die. She had done her best to keep him calm and reassure him while letting him vent out his fears and frustrations. She couldn't imagine how hard it must be for Bran, knowing that the only family he had could very well be taken from him thanks to what seemed like more senseless violence. Arizona made herself a promise to find a way to get those boys out of that neighborhood, no matter what. They both deserved so much more.

Arizona blinked as her head started pounding and she worried that the adrenaline she had been using to get her through these first few minutes at the hospital was quickly seeping away, leaving her with nothing to really combat the withdrawal symptoms that she knew were lurking in her body. She leaned down to open the bag Callie had left, wanting a quick drink of the water she knew her wife had packed and maybe a few ibuprofen to combat the headache that was steadily building. As she dug around inside, she couldn't help but smile when she felt the clothing in the bottom of the bag. _You should have been a fucking boy scout Callie. Always prepared._

She grabbed a bottle of water and took four ibuprofen from the container, quickly popping them into her mouth and drinking heavily from the bottle. She then turned to her young friend. "Brandon, are you hungry? Thirsty? There are some vending machines just down the hall."

"Um," he said quietly, his eyes going to the door and then squinting up to her. "I don't have any money."

"Oh, no sweetie. I'll pay. Don't worry." She reached into her purse and pulled out her wallet, grabbing every single out of it and handing them to him. "Can you get me a coke while you're out there? Just take a left out of the door and you can't miss them."

Brandon gave her a bright smile and popped up off the couch before walking quickly out of the lounge. She couldn't help but smile at him, enjoying how easy it was to make kids happy even when things were falling apart all around them. Sometimes it was as easy as giving them some control over something as simple as what they wanted from a vending machine. She could care less if he came back with an armload of chocolate and she was sure that if he were there, Rob would totally agree with her.

Arizona put her wallet back in her purse and then grabbed her phone, turning on the screen to see if she had missed anything. There was a text from Callie that had been sent about five minutes prior.

_Bailey's almost done. Quite a bit of damage but looks like he'll make it. Long road ahead. Be there with more info in a few._

She let out a huge breath of relief at the message. While hearing that Bailey was the one performing the surgery had given her some measure of confidence, she knew all too well that it didn't matter how talented the surgical crew, there were patients who couldn't be saved. She thought back to how Callie had had probably one of the best surgical teams ever assembled in this hospital or any for that matter, and yet she and Sofia had almost both died. A lesser team and she wouldn't have stood a chance, but even so it had been far too close. Rob only had one of those many superstar surgeons working on his injuries, and yet it looked like luckily it would be enough.

The door to the lounge opened and Callie popped her head in. "Hey, where's the kid?"

"I sent him to buy out the vending machines," she said with a little smile on her lips. "Thanks for the message. I just got it. Forgot to put the ringer back on."

"Ah," Callie said as she came all the way into the room. She stood a few feet away from Arizona, shifting uneasily from foot to foot. "I think he'll be fine. Lost his spleen and a kidney and had a pretty serious bowel resection done. A few other things but Bailey got it all. He did code once, though."

Arizona sucked in a quick breath as she nodded. "But Bailey said he was going to make it?"

"She seemed pretty sure."

Arizona's head fell back heavily against the couch as she felt the pounding in her head increase. "Thanks for going to find out."

Callie was suddenly next to her, kneeling down to look at her. She reached out to touch her forehead. "Your fever's back."

"I just took 4 ibuprofen. That should help." Arizona's eyes fell shut wearily.

She could hear Callie rummaging through the bad and then there was a bottle in Arizona's hand. "Take some electrolytes, okay?"

"Sure." Arizona opened the bottle and tilted it back to take a small sip. "I asked Brandon to get me a coke. I figured I could use the sugar." She opened her eyes and watched Callie just looking at her. "Maybe the carbonation will help settle my stomach, too."

"Maybe."

Arizona took another drink from the bottle and sat up. "You don't have to stick around, you know. I think I'm okay."

Callie smiled then as she shook her head. "You're not getting rid of me that easily."

"Callie," Arizona began as she realized what her wife was doing, "you don't need to prove anything to me, okay? I know you'd stick around. I'm just saying you don't have to."

"I'm here to do whatever you can't do, Arizona."

Arizona's eyes closed as those words brought her back to the ambulance bay on a cold and rainy evening when she had thought her life was falling apart. How naïve she had been. Sure, losing Nick was hard, but knowing how life had turned out for her so soon thereafter, she wished she could go back and just suffer through that one tragedy with Callie there by her side. Her wife had promised she wouldn't leave then, that she would always be by Arizona doing whatever she needed, and that had been so comforting in her grief. Now, she wasn't sure about that, wasn't sure if she even wanted Callie to stick around.

_I'm not sure I even want to stick around._ The admission was simple, and reminded her of the past weeks on her own when she had felt so lost and yet had at least been able to control her own life. There was something empowering to that, in not having to worry about her wife or really even her daughter. She closed her eyes when that last thought entered her head, a wave of nausea gripping her suddenly. _No I can never not worry about Sofia. I don't want to even if I could._

Arizona opened her eyes again and looked at Callie. She wanted to get to the point where she worried about her wife, too. She just wasn't sure she ever would be able to. "Thanks," she whispered to Callie finally.

The door opened then and Brandon came in, his arms piled high with pretty much every variety of junk food that the vending machines had to offer. He dropped a bag of chips and then leaned down to pick it up, causing everything else but the two sodas in his hands to pour out onto the floor. "Oh no," he muttered as he knelt down to try to pick it all up again.

Both Arizona and Callie laughed at his frantic attempts to recover all the food. Callie got up and went over to him, "Hey, let me help you out there."

Brandon looked up at her, his eyes wide. "Oh, hi, thanks." Then it was like his brain reengaged. "How's my brother?"

Callie had just started to kneel down when she stopped suddenly and looked right at Brandon. "He's almost out of surgery. He's going to need a long time to recover, but it looks pretty good. I can't promise anything, but it looks good."

Brandon's eyes went wide for a moment but then he seemed to find a way to force a normal expression on his face. "Thanks, um…"

"Doctor Torres," Arizona offered as a hint.

"Doctor Torres," he repeated with a small smile.

Callie's smile was brighter. "And you're Brandon, right? It's nice to meet you, although I'd rather we hadn't met like this." She finally knelt down completely and helped him pick up some of the food on the floor. "Looks like you got a good supply here," she said as she stood and carried the items over to the coffee table.

"I didn't know what Arizona would want," he said as he followed her. He walked around the coffee table and handed Arizona her soda. "I thought you might be a little hungry, too."

Arizona smiled genuinely at the young boy. "Thanks, Bran. That was really thoughtful of you."

"Well it was your money."

That caused both women to chuckle and Arizona shot a look at Callie, her laughter getting quieter. They both sobered then and Arizona took a deep breath. For a moment everything had felt normal, like it had before the crash and the amputation, and yet that tore at Arizona more, because it was just a sort of mocking reminder of the ease of her other life, of the other Arizona. She dropped her eyes to her soda and popped it open. "I'm not hungry," she said quietly.

Callie must have noticed the sudden change, because she was suddenly moving to sit in the chair next to the couch where Arizona and Brandon were sitting. "So, Brandon, tell me about you and your brother."

As Brandon took the cue and started talking to her wife, Arizona looked over at her once more, feeling another smile come to her lips at Callie doing her best to help keep Brandon occupied and relaxed while they waited for final word on Rob's status. And as she caught her wife's eyes, she knew she was also doing it for Arizona, to give her a break in consideration of her withdrawal. Callie didn't have to be there, in fact Arizona had asked her to leave, and yet there she was helping out. Arizona still had an incredibly hard time really accepting anything from her wife, and yet she was grateful that she was there right then. And, she supposed, that was something.

TBC…


	12. Chapter 12

**The Place You Alone Can Fill**

**By AmboDriver**

**Disclaimer:** As usual, I don't own anything. I'm just playing around with them. They are owned by Shondaland, ABC, and probably a lot of other really rich folks.

**A/N:** Sorry yet again for the delay. I just haven't really been in much of a writing mood so getting these chapters out is just not flowing as well as I'd like. But I'm going to keep plugging away at this, I promise.

Thanks, as always, for all your kind words in your reviews and all the follows. I really, really appreciate it.

* * *

**Chapter 12**

"Arizona, I'm scared," Brandon said as they rode the elevator up to the floor where the ICU was located.

Word had come in that Rob had made it through his surgery, but that he would be unconscious for at least a day but more likely a few while his body struggled to heal. When Bailey had come into the lounge to give them the news, she'd tried to explain to Brandon that his brother needed help breathing and that as long as the ventilator was pumping air into his lungs it was safer to keep him unconscious. Brandon had just nodded but it was apparent that he didn't really seem to understand. Arizona was mentally kicking herself for not taking a few more moments to make sure that he understood while they were still in the safety of the lounge, but had instead given in to his insistence that he just wanted to see Rob. Just as she was about to say something the elevator came to a halt and the doors opened. "Okay, come with me," she said as she took his hand and slowly led him out of the elevator, but no further. She pulled him to the far side of the hall, leaning up against the wall to take pressure off both her leg and her arm from the single crutch she was using to help her balance. It took her a minute to swallow down the nausea that was churning in her stomach before she could trust herself to speak. "Brandon, it's okay to be scared. This is all very, very scary. When we go in there, he's going to be attached to a lot of wires and there will be a tube in his mouth that's helping him breathe. You'll hear some beeping, which is from the sensors reading his heartbeat and you'll hear the ventilator pushing air into his lungs. You can talk normally so don't feel like you have to whisper or anything. They're giving him medication to make him sleep so you won't wake him up. And I want you to ask me anything, okay? Nothing is a dumb question."

Brandon nodded, a deep frown on his normally happy features. "Okay," he said as he looked down the hallway and sighed heavily. "Okay," he repeated quietly. He sniffled and blinked, fixing his face into a serious expression as he took a deep breath. He looked back up at her and nodded. "We can go now."

She couldn't help but smile at how brave he was trying to be. She reached out and gave his hair a quick ruffle before turning and leading him down the hall slowly, concentrating on each step as she went. As they walked, she could feel eyes on her from all her colleagues, and she tried to push the feeling of being the freak show out of her head, but it was incredibly hard to ignore how self-conscious she felt. It certainly didn't help that she felt weak and sick to her stomach on top of dealing with being in the hospital, in the place she had always thought of as her second home but now hated more than almost anywhere on Earth. If she could just disappear right then, she would, and if it weren't for Brandon she certainly would be far from the hospital, but she needed to be there for the young boy. He'd already helped her immeasurably in her own recovery, so now she needed to grab a little of her old self back so she could be there for him.

Finally, they made it to the room where Rob was recovering. She looked down at him and then pointed into the open door. "Go ahead when you're ready." Taking a step to the side, she waited for him to make the first move.

Brandon's grey eyes were wide with fear but then he set his jaw and gave the smallest of nods as he looked up at her. Then he took a deep breath and moved into the room, Arizona following him closely to the point of almost running into him when he came to a quick stop just inside. "Rob," he whispered.

She put her free arm on his shoulder and squeezed even as her eyes instantly took in everything—the steady beat of the cardio monitor, the hiss of the ventilator pushing air in and out of Rob's lungs, the numbers on the monitors that all showed he was quite stable, and then finally the pallor of his face. Gone was the vibrant young man who had so often sat with her while they waited for Bran to be done his physical therapy. Now he had that look so many of the sickest and most injured patients had when they were first beginning their recovery. She was sure she had looked similar in the first few days after the crash herself. But she knew it was just a matter of time until his physical appearance returned to a more normal hue. "Brandon, he's strong. And do you see that computer monitor up there? All those numbers and those squiggly lines, well they all tell me that he's really doing pretty well. I can't promise anything, I wish I could, but I've been a doctor for a pretty long time now and I'm sure he'll pull through."

Brandon nodded and then he suddenly moved away to go stand at his brother's side. He looked back at her with fear and pain in his eyes. "Can I touch him?"

She nodded. "Yeah, just his arm though," she whispered as she moved over to the other side of the bed. She busied herself taking a more thorough look at the monitors, trying to give Bran some small amount of privacy.

"I'm sorry, Rob. This is my fault," he said and then sobs started to overtake him as Arizona's head shot in his direction. "I'm sorry."

She moved as quickly as she could around the bed and gathered him in her arms, letting her crutch fall against Rob's bed. "Hey, Bran, no this isn't your fault." In a way, Arizona wondered if it was in some way actually her fault for having Rob help her get those drugs. She had thought that almost immediately but had tried to push that guilt aside, knowing how unpredictable life could be in the far seedier areas of town, because she just couldn't handle that kind of guilt on top of the pain. But to think that Bran was feeling even a fraction of that guilt broke her heart. "Nothing you did could have caused this," she said as she reached behind her to pull over a chair. She sat down, finally on his level, and took his face in her hands so he would be forced to look at her. When she was sure that he was really seeing her, hearing her, she repeated, "You did nothing wrong."

"I spilled all the milk and so he went out to get some more because I'll only eat cereal for breakfast." He leaned forward into Arizona, his arms wrapping around her neck even as she pulled him into a huge hug. "If I hadn't spilled the milk he wouldn't be dying."

She pulled his head tightly into her shoulder and kissed the crown of his head before putting her lips right next to his ear. "Brandon, listen to me. You didn't cause this. It was just bad luck. And he's not dying. He's getting better, okay? Miranda got the bullet out and fixed all the problems like she told us. He just needs to get a little stronger." She paused before saying, "You got stronger, right? Rob will, too. You're both such fighters."

"Why, Arizona?" he said as he sniffled loudly. "Why did we both get shot? That's not fair."

"No, Bran, it's not fair," she whispered as she nodded with her cheek against his hair. "Life isn't always fair and I'm sorry about that." It was such a horrible truth for a ten year-old to have to learn, and now Brandon had seen it twice in only about a year's time. Over the years she had seen her share of tragedy, had dealt with children who had been in car crashes themselves and lost one or both parents at the same time, had put kids back together who had been attacked in some of the most horrific ways, and it ripped her heart out every single time. But this was the first time she had let herself purely care about the child on a personal level instead of on a medical one. She wasn't Bran's doctor, she was his friend and he was hers, and that made this so much more horrific to watch happen. How fate could be so cruel as to hit this amazing little kid not once but twice she had no idea. "Come here," she said as she pulled him to sit on her lap.

As he leaned back into her chest, both of them watching Rob, he asked, "Are you sure he'll wake up?"

"Brandon, let me tell you something," she said as she shifted his weight so he was sitting primarily on her right leg. "I've been working with kids as a doctor for about as long as you've been alive. And in those ten or so years I've met some really amazing kids, some smart kids, some brave kids, some caring kids. You are all of those things and more and so is your brother." She felt him turn his head to look back at her and she laughed quietly. "I promised you I'd tell you the truth, not only because I don't want to lie to you, but because I think you're old enough and smart enough to understand." She wrapped her arms tightly around his chest. "I can't promise you that your brother is going to wake up or that he'll get better. I think you understand that sometimes things happen that we didn't see coming. But I'll tell you this. If nothing unexpected happens, if he just slowly improves, he will actually get better. He'll wake up and he'll be out of bed and walking around in a week or so. He'll be in here for a while, but eventually he'll go home. That's exactly what I believe will happen. No promises, but that is what should happen."

Brandon was silent for a moment before he whispered. "Where will I go, Arizona?"

That question broke her heart all over again. She hated to think that he was going to have to be at the mercy of social services for the foreseeable future, not because they did a poor job—they did what they could with the meager resources they had—but because he had already lost so much in his life and Rob was really all he had. Having to rely on strangers now was far from what was best. "Since you don't have any other family, the social worker will be by later today to take you to a foster home for a while. Just until Rob is well enough to go home. Then you'll be able to go home, too."

"Oh," Brandon whispered quietly. Finally he turned completely on her lap to look at her. "Can I go home with you?"

Arizona sucked in a quick breath of surprise. "Sweetie, you can't. I wish I could take you but I'm not a foster parent so I'm not allowed to." Besides, it wasn't like she was physically able to take care of him, not with her leg and the recovery from the drugs. It was all she could do just to handle him in this situation. And worst of all, she wasn't even sure she truly had a home to take him to if she could. She wasn't sure if the apartment was still her home, if Callie was still really her wife. Everything was far too uncertain even if it had been possible. In a way, it was a relief that it wasn't, because telling him no would have been impossible otherwise, and yet it was the only answer she would have been able to give with a good conscience. "They'll find you a good family to stay with and you'll be able to come see Rob, I promise. And I'll see you, too, okay? When you're here at the hospital I'll come just so I can visit with you."

"You don't like being here," he said in a tone that was without question.

"Not so much right now, no," she conceded.

He turned then and looked back at his brother, his head falling onto her shoulder with a heavy sigh. "I don't like it here right now either."

* * *

"Torres!"

Callie shut her eyes and whispered, "Shit," under her breath as she turned to find Alex rushing down the hall toward her. "Hi, Karev," she said while forcing a smile on her face.

"What the hell are you doing there? I heard you were taking a few days off." He looked at her with that confused look he often wore even when he wasn't perplexed. "Have you heard anything from Robbins lately?"

"Yeah, well I'm here because of Arizona," she said quietly before letting out a deep breath. "She's here right now."

Alex let out a quiet chuckle. "You're stalking her at the hospital now?"

"No, Alex, I'm not. She came home but a friend of hers was hurt so she's here to see him. And his kid brother. Well I guess the kid brother is more of the friend, but, yeah, whatever." She shook her head absently and raised an eyebrow at the peds fellow, silently asking him if he wanted anything from her.

"Oh, yeah, right. It's nothing. I just saw you and wanted to ask about Robbins. How's she doing then?" He leaned up against the wall casually but there was an excited tension in his body that was unmistakable.

Callie smiled as she recognized the concern in her wife's protégé. He missed her, too, and not just because she was an amazing teacher, but because before the crash and the fight over his fellowship offer at Hopkins, they had been good friends as well. And just as she so desperately wanted things to go back to how they'd been back then, to have her wife be the Arizona of old again, she knew Karev did, too. Her smile turned a little more forced as she considered her answer. "She's, well, she's home." It was something, at least.

Karev let out a heavy sigh. "Have you, I mean do you think…" He let out a dry breath of laughter and shook his head. "Have you guys had a chance to talk about, well, things?"

It really wasn't his business, but then again in a way maybe it was. She wasn't the only one who had a huge chasm in her relationship with Arizona. Her wife had already been mad at Karev before the role he played in her losing her leg. And in a way, she knew, Arizona blamed Karev just as much if not more than Callie for the misdiagnosis that ended in the amputation. He was the one who had told Callie it was her leg that was causing her vitals to crash, although no doctor under the time crunch he had been under would have been able to properly diagnose her wife. The tests were simply too time consuming to diagnose it. Even the blood tests to rule out the sepsis would have taken far more time than Arizona had at that point. At first Callie had blamed Alex until she had taken a few moments to really think about it, realizing that the only way they would have diagnosed the pulmonary embolism that almost killed her wife was to have the one obvious source of her distress taken out of contention. So, in the end, the amputation had truly saved Arizona's life, even if the loss of her leg hadn't resolved the issue. She had no idea how to make Arizona see that, how to forgive both of them and move on, but she knew she had to try. "Not yet," she finally answered quietly with quiet sigh. "Right now I'm just glad she's home and she's been getting the help she needs all this time. It'll happen."

"Good, good. Well, if you think it's a good idea, can you tell her I said hi?" He looked so uncertain in his request, almost as if he were asking the most popular girl in school out on a date.

"Sure," she replied, although she knew it would be far from a good idea at that point. Getting Arizona to be comfortable at home was the most important thing at that moment. Reminding her of Karev, of the hospital and her amputation, was probably not at the top of the list of things she should be considering at that point. She started to move away when she stopped. "Alex, if you see her here, can you just walk the other way? Please?"

For a moment he looked like he might argue but then he just nodded. "Sure. But let me know if you need anything," he said, his voice rising in just a hint of a question.

"Of course," she said as she patted him on the shoulder before walking past him and toward the elevators leading up to the ICU unit. She wanted to check on Arizona, to make sure she was still physically okay after all this time up and about. And she had to admit that she just wanted to check on Arizona and make sure she was still there.

* * *

Arizona rocked a little from side to side with Brandon still sitting in her lap, her arms wrapped around the small boy. He had been quiet for the last few minutes and she wasn't sure that he was even still awake. But she knew he needed his rest if that was the case, and most importantly, he needed to feel safe at that point, so she didn't mind just sitting there for a little while with him secure in her arms. And besides, she had to admit, that it felt good to just sit still and relax quietly. For the first time in hours her nausea had lessened and the pounding in her head was almost gone.

A deep clearing throat behind her caused her to turn and find Owen standing in the doorway. "Um," he started quietly as he moved around to look at her from the front, "I just thought I'd come see how you were doing."

She swallowed hard as panic rose in her. She had been hoping to avoid needing to speak to her colleagues at all, and worst of all, to her boss. But then again, was he even truly still her boss? She was far from certain she could ever wield a scalpel again, let alone in the hospital where she had lost everything that ever mattered to her. She nodded her head to Bran and he silently came over and lifted the boy from her, giving her the answer as to whether he was sleeping. She rose to her feet and moved out of the way so he could lower him back into the guest chair and then she motioned with her head to the hallway. She grabbed her crutch and led them outside, waiting for Owen to close the door behind them before she looked up into his pale blue eyes. "I'm, um, I'm here just for those boys in there."

Owen nodded as his eyes seemed to take her in for a moment. "You look…" His eyes dropped to her left leg and a smile came to his lips. "It's good to see you up and about."

She wiped at the back of her neck as she felt the headache return and her neck tense up achingly. "I didn't really have a choice, did I?"

It was meant to be a rhetorical question, but Owen shifted his weight and nodded. "You did. You could still be in bed, refusing to get up, or worse."

_Still._ She was sure he had meant it as a sign of support, but there was just a hint of accusation in his word choice. Or maybe she was just looking back on how she had reacted in those first few weeks post-op and saw her own faults too strongly. "Point taken." She coughed and swallowed, feeling suddenly quite feverish. "You know, I've been a little wiped out lately, so I'm going to go back to sit down."

"Arizona?" he asked before she could fully turn around.

She stopped and looked up at him. "Yeah?"

His brow furrowed as he stepped closer to her, lowering his voice as he spoke. "You look like you're in pain. Can I get you something?"

"No," she answered swiftly, wincing slightly at how strong her refusal was. She swallowed hard and forced a smile on her face. "No, really, it's okay. I have something if I need it," she lied.

He seemed to look at her a little too long before he nodded. "Okay. But let me know if there's anything I can do. And when you're ready to come back to work, just let me know. We'll work out whatever you need."

"Thanks," she said with a nod, trying to remain calmer than she felt. There was something in his pale blue eyes that seemed uncertain and even a little suspicious, and she was afraid she had somehow tipped off something about her current situation. If Owen even suspected she had had an issue with her medication, he could cause her all kinds of problems. And she suspected that between his time in the ER and his tours in the military, he had seen many individuals in a similar situation to her own. "I will," she finally added, trying to steady her voice but unsure of how it came out.

He just gave her a smile and nodded his head before turning to walk back down the hall toward the bank of elevators. She watched him for a moment and then tensed up as she saw her wife get off one of the elevators just as he approached. He stopped her and they talked for a moment before Callie looked down at her for a moment, tension evident in her stance even that far away. Callie then looked back at Owen and nodded, the two of them then walking away from Arizona down the hall, finally entering the conference room just on the other side of the elevators.

Arizona swallowed hard, concerned as to what the chief wanted with her wife. She watched the hall for a moment, knowing it was stupid to keep staring as if Callie would reemerge immediately. She let out a deep breath and then returned to Rob's room, smiling unbidden at Brandon as he continued to sleep curled up in the guest chair. She grabbed the other chair in the room and pulled it over next to Brandon's chair, sitting down in it wearily with a relieved sigh. She reached out and ran her fingers through his fine hair, her smile turning sad as she thought back to the last time she had seen the young boy and she frowned, as she remembered telling her prosthetist, Pete, that he seemed almost too happy. And then Pete had wondered out loud how long it could last. She wondered if he knew something she didn't. _Just ironic perhaps_, she thought as she sighed and leaned back in her chair, continuing her silent watch over the two boys.

* * *

Callie sat down heavily in the first conference table chair near the door. "All right, Hunt, what was so urgent that you needed to talk to me when I'm not even working?"

Owen sat down in the chair across from her and folded his hands on the table, leaning toward her and piercing her with his eyes. "What's wrong with your wife?"

Callie laughed before she could stop herself. "What's wrong? Really? What isn't wrong?" She let out a deep breath of frustration.

"That's not what I mean," he said. He paused for a moment, the expression on his face giving away how he was contemplating something. Finally he gave a small nod. "I'm not talking about emotionally or even her leg, which by the way it's good to see her walking. Something's physically wrong with her. She looks sick. I can't have her sitting in the ICU if she's sick."

"Um," she said, her mind torn about what to say. She knew Arizona wanted to be with the boys, and Callie had to admit that seeing the hints of her wife peeking out while dealing with Brandon made her want Arizona to spend as much time with him as possible. But she also knew that keeping Arizona's condition secret was imperative. "She's fine, really. I think she's just a little tired. It's been an emotional few days."

"So you're saying she's not sick."

"No, she's not sick," Callie answered, hoping that her voice sounded as confident as she wanted it to.

He nodded and just looked at her for a moment. "She seemed like she was in some pain, but she didn't want me to get her anything for it."

"So?" Callie answered defensively before she closed her eyes for a moment and let out a breath. "Sorry, I guess we're both just tired. She told me she doesn't like the side effects of the pain killers so she's trying to go without them. That's all." In a strange way it was the truth. "Just say what you really mean, Owen."

"It's just…" He let out a deep breath. "Has she had any problems with her pain killers? I've dealt with a number of trauma victims who have started relying on them a little too much."

Callie bit at her lip and took a moment to get control before she blatantly lied to Owen. "No problems. She's fine." She didn't trust herself to say any more than that.

"Okay, I just wanted to check. I only want what's best for her so she can recover and get on with life."

Callie nodded and a genuine smile touched her lips. "You and me both."

Owen stood and started to move toward the door. "If either of you need anything, really anything, just let me know." He hesitated before adding, "I feel pretty responsible so anything that I can do, I'll do it." He looked like he was going to say something else, but then he quickly turned and left before Callie could even respond.

She just sat there for a moment, staring blankly at the conference room door and breathed. Her heart was pounding, but there was just something in his expression that told her Hunt would have their backs if it came down to it. But then again, he was often really hard to read, and his loyalties had to also be to the hospital. Better to not need to roll the dice on that one. "I just want the next few days over," she whispered to herself as she put her head in her hands.

She sat there for a few moments before rising to her feet and heading back down to check on Arizona and the boys. When she got to the room, she knocked lightly and then stuck her head through the door, finding Arizona sitting in one guest chair, her right leg propped up on the foot of the bed and her head thrown back and eyes closed. Brandon was curled up in the chair next to her asleep. Callie walked in and looked down at her wife, smiling at how peaceful she looked.

"I'm just pretending to sleep," Arizona whispered as her blue eyes slid open. There was pain shadowing them and a crease to her forehead that Callie recognized as a sign that she had a horrible headache.

"What can I do to help?" Callie asked as she shifted uneasily from one foot to the other. She was still so uncomfortable trying to find a way to be there for Arizona, to read this newer, harsher version of her wife, but she was determined to stick it out until it became easy again.

Arizona looked over at Brandon and then her eyes flashed up toward the monitors next to Rob's bed. "I don't think there's anything you can do." She paused a second and then her eyes shot over to meet Callie's. "What did Hunt want?"

Callie moved over to kneel down next to Arizona so that she could keep her voice quiet, hoping not to awaken Brandon. "He's suspicious that you're having problems with your meds. I think he thinks you're abusing them."

"Well, I was."

"True, but you're not now." Callie so wanted to reach out and touch Arizona but she stopped herself, before deciding to use the guise of checking her temperature to get one quick grounding touch in. "You still have a fever."

"Hmm," Arizona agreed as she closed her eyes. "What did you tell him?"

"I told him you didn't like the side effects of the pain killers so you were trying to deal without them, but that was it." She shrugged, even though Arizona wasn't looking at her then. "That's about as close to the truth as I could get. I think he bought it."

Arizona turned her head and her eyes peeked open. "Thank you."

Callie finally did reach out and put her hand lightly on Arizona's forearm, causing those blue eyes to shoot open as her whole body tensed, but that was the reaction Callie not only expected, but was hoping for. She wanted her wife to hear her and take in her words. "Listen to me, okay? I know things are shitty between us and I'm not sure where this will all head, but nothing will make me stop loving you and supporting you, okay? You're my wife and I'd do anything for you. I've got your back on this, Arizona."

"You promise," Arizona said quietly. It wasn't a question, but a reminder of promises past, both the ones she had been able to keep and the one she had failed horribly at.

"I promise," Callie said with a simple nod. And she knew that she would never break this one, because it was the last hope she had of rescuing her marriage, and more importantly rescuing the woman she loved from the depths she had found herself in since climbing on that plane. "I'm here for you, no matter what."

There was just the slightest hint of a smile on Arizona's lips as she nodded. Then she closed her eyes and let her head fall back against the chair wearily.

Callie released a sigh of relief as her heart felt just a hair lighter at the smile. She then sat down on the floor, for lack of another chair, and propped her back against the wall to wait along with her wife.

TBC…


	13. Chapter 13

**The Place You Alone Can Fill**

**By AmboDriver**

**Disclaimer:** As usual, I don't own anything. I'm just playing around with them. They are owned by Shondaland, ABC, and probably a lot of other really rich folks.

**A/N:** I'm not going to continue to apologize for the long time between updates. Just know that it'll take me a little while to put out each chapter right now. This is a hobby that requires a lot of time and energy, and both are in short supply now. But I'll get this done eventually. I promise.

Often I find that the time between updates brings moments of serendipity that make my stories better (at least I think so). The same happened with this chapter. The scene with Owen was not originally planned and in fact just came to me as I was mostly done with the originally planned scene. But I think it's a nice bit of conflict and resolution at the same time. Hope you all like it.

One thing that does inspire me to write is comments, so keep them coming. I appreciate every single one, even if I don't always write a PM back. They bring a much-needed smile to my face, that's for sure.

* * *

**Chapter 13**

"Arizona?"

She couldn't help but smile as she slowly woke, recognizing the sound of her wife's voice and feeling it pull her out of sleep like it had so many times before. But then as she awoke and she felt the aches in her body and the pain in her left leg, her eyes popped open and she jerked away from the hand shaking her shoulder. "Callie," she warned, her voice dropping dangerously.

Callie's hand shot back and her eyes were wide as they just stared at each other for a moment. Then she held her hand out, as if trying to hold her at bay. "Arizona, I'm sorry, but the social worker is here. And a cop. We have to leave the room."

"Leave? What?" She looked around, her mind still slightly fuzzy from sleep. A police office stood in the corner of the room and Owen was standing in the doorway, a woman she recognized as one of the social workers who handled the hospital cases hanging in the hallway behind him. "Um, yeah, okay." She turned to Brandon, who was still curled up in the seat next to her, sound asleep. "Bran?" she asked quietly as she shook his shoulder. When he just made a quiet mewling noise, she shook him a little harder. "Bran, you need to wake up."

"Mom?" he whispered quietly, and Arizona's heart broke just a little. He and Rob seemed so together for kids who had lost their parents so young, and Arizona often forgot that fact because of it. But hearing him ask for his mother as he woke up reminded her that he was really alone now without his brother. It was so unfair that such an amazing kid had gone through such hardships and they weren't over. Bran rubbed at his eyes and blinked up at her, a smile coming to his lips. "Arizona?"

"Yup, kiddo, just me." She smiled as she ruffled his hair. "Listen, remember how I told you that someone from social services would be by to take you to a nice family to stay for a little while?"

"Yeah?" he said, his pleasant disposition instantly gone as he hesitantly looked around the room. When his eyes fell on the police officer, they got bigger. "Why's he here?"

Arizona's eyes took in the cop and she frowned. "Not sure," she whispered to him as she shot a look to Callie, who just gave her the smallest shake of her head. She took the hint and reached over to grab her crutch from where it was propped up against the bed. "Let's go into the lounge down the hall, okay? We can talk more about what's going on there."

"No," he said as he sprang up from his chair and went to stand by Rob, grabbing his hand. "Rob, please, you need to wake up so we can go home."

She saw Callie tense up out of the corner of her eye and she felt the same tension grab her at the painful scene in front of her. But it was something she was a little more used to, with her extensive experience of having to all too often send children off with social services, although often it was for even more tragic reasons than Brandon was facing. At least he would eventually get his life back when Rob was better and able to take care of him. She forced herself to her feet and tucked her crutch under her left arm before reaching out to grab the young boy's shoulder. "Bran, he's not going to wake up right now. He needs to get better first and then you guys will be able to both go home. But until then—"

"I don't want to," he whined, sounding like the scared little boy he was instead of the often wise and cheerful young man that Arizona had come to know.

She looked down at him, giving him her best stern mother look. It usually worked with kids and she was relieved to know that she hadn't lost her touch. His head bowed in resignation and she sighed. "It'll be okay. I promise."

Brandon looked back at his brother for a moment before he brushed past Arizona to leave the room. Just as he was at the door he stopped and looked up at the cop. "Why are you here? Why aren't you out finding the guys who did this?"

The cop's expression didn't really change as he looked down at Brandon. "We have the guys who did this."

Now Arizona was confused. "Rob's not going to be awake for a day or two at least. You can come back later and question him."

The cop looked at her with bright green eyes that seemed to say that he had little patience for this whole thing. "I'm not here to question him."

"Excuse me?"

The cop shifted from one foot to the other. "I'm not at liberty to talk about the investigation. But this young man is under arrest. He will be under guard while he is here." He looked between Brandon and Arizona, finally fixing his eyes on her. "Visits will be limited to his family."

"Arizona," Callie cautioned as she moved toward her wife.

Arizona looked over at Callie and then back to where Owen was waiting by the door. "Can someone tell me what's going on?"

"Not here," Owen said as he pushed off the door frame and went out into the hall.

Brandon looked up at her. "I don't understand, Arizona. He was shot. He shouldn't be in trouble for getting shot."

Arizona was starting to get a really bad feeling about all of this and she wanted to do her best to have control over the one thing she could and that was protecting Brandon. "Let's go down to the lounge and we'll find out what's going on," she said as she leaned down a little toward him. She then put her hand on his shoulder and tried to give him a nudge toward the door. After a moment's hesitation and one more look back at his brother, he let out an exasperated sigh and trudged out the door. She gave Callie a quick glance as she slowly walked out after him.

As they all moved on down the hall, Owen falling back to help guide the boy to their location, Callie quickly came up next to her. "Do you need anything?"

Arizona shot her a look. She wanted to snap at Callie, to tell her to just go away, but she knew her wife was trying and just the smallest part of her appreciated the support she had provided, even if she felt like it was at least partially motivated out of guilt and a desire to make amends. She stopped and looked at Callie. "Why's he under arrest?" she asked quietly, her eyes shooting down the hall to where Owen was herding Brandon and the social worker into the lounge. "You know something."

Callie shifted nervously from one foot to the other. "He's being arrested for dealing drugs."

Arizona's eyes went wide as she thought back to the two times he sat in her car and handed her small envelopes of oxy. "But he just got them for me from an acquaintance," she hissed as her eyes shifted nervously to make sure no one was listening.

Callie shook her head. "It's not you. He's a real dealer, Arizona. Owen said a detective came to see him, to make sure that they could collect his belongings as evidence and set up the guard on him. The detective said he had been under investigation for a few weeks at least." She rubbed at her neck and averted her eyes. "They think he was shot in a drug turf war. And…" She bit at her lower lip before slowly raising her eyes. "They think Brandon was shot as a warning that Rob didn't take."

"What?" She felt like her heart was suddenly pounding in her ears and her head was swimming as she tried to wrap her mind around everything. "Wait, you're saying that Rob's been dealing drugs since before Bran was shot and that some rival shot that little boy to send Rob a message?"

Callie nodded. "That's what Owen said the detective told him. It sounds like maybe at first he took the hint, but that recently he started getting really active again and so they came straight after him."

Tears were suddenly clouding her eyes as she felt a fury start to build in her that made her head feel like it was about to explode. "That bastard. I thought he was just a good kid in a bad situation. He played me. And he put his brother's life in danger. What kind of brother does that?" She shook her head in disbelief. "And I…" She let out a deep breath as she felt her stomach start to roil. "I was just another customer," she whispered harshly. _I didn't want to think too much about where he got the drugs. But if it wasn't him, it would have been some other scum dealer I was supporting. Deep down I knew that, but still. I was his customer._ The nausea suddenly became too much and she bent over, unable to stop herself, and vomited on the floor.

"Arizona," Callie breathed as she reached down to run a hand gently up and down Arizona's back.

Arizona flinched. "I don't need your sympathy," she bit out as she jerked her body away from the touch. She wiped at her mouth, feeling the nausea start to subside as she just took a moment to breathe. "Just go get someone to clean this up." As she looked up and saw the horrified look on Callie's face, she sighed. "Please. I need to get in there with Bran. We can talk about this once he's gone, okay?"

Callie just looked at her with those sad brown eyes for a few moments before she nodded. "Okay."

She started to move down the hall to the nurse's station when Arizona grabbed at her arm. "Wait." Callie looked at her, the expression on her face obviously schooled to avoid any emotion. "I'm sorry I bit your head off."

Callie looked like she wanted to say something, her lips moving and then stopping and doing it again but no voice coming out. Finally, she simply nodded. "I'll meet you in the lounge once I get a cleaning crew out here."

Arizona watched her walk down the hall and just a little crack in the steely ice she had built around her formed. Callie really was trying, despite everything Arizona had put her through, and she wasn't so sure what Callie's motivations were. Sure, some of it had to be guilt but she knew deep down that there still was love there.

But it was love for the Arizona that cried in the ambulance bay the night she got on that damned airplane, the Arizona that had kissed her before hefting her jump bag and had promised that she'd sleep on the flight back so they could have some time with each other once she got home. That Arizona disappeared out in the woods, gone like the leg she had wanted to keep at all costs. That Arizona was lost forever.

She looked down at her left hand, at her ring finger where the tan line that had shown where her wedding ring used to sit had long since faded away. She thought about how those same fingers used to ghost over Callie's caramel skin and how they had saved probably hundreds of lives with a scalpel and retractor in them. There was so much of the old Arizona still there, even if it was just the shell of her. It was the insides that were shattered and scattered to the wind. But maybe, just maybe, she wasn't totally lost. Maybe Humpty Dumpty could be mostly put back together again. She just wasn't so sure she wanted that.

But she at least wanted to be someone who could want that, truly want it, and who would fight to get it. She needed to focus on finding that motivation to really try. But that was more than she could handle right then, after all that had happened in the last few days, and so she put it on the back burner just for now. There would be time, after the headaches and nausea stopped and after all the craziness with Rob and Bran calmed down, to focus again on her future. On their future.

With a deep sigh and a final glance at Callie, she turned and started slowly working her way down the hall to the attendings lounge where Brandon was waiting.

* * *

Callie winced as she watched Arizona give Brandon a final hug and send him off with the social worker. It was hard to watch her wife so emotionally torn. She could still remember how Arizona had told her, very early in their relationship, how much she loved that Callie cared so much. But when it came to children in need, Arizona's heart was bigger than anyone's she had ever met. And Callie knew how hard it had to be for her wife to let the young boy go away with a stranger just when he needed some familiar stability in his life.

It was little surprise to her, then, that meeting Brandon had been one of the first cracks in the shell of her anger. She had told Owen, just before Arizona was supposed to have her surgery, that Arizona was just a shell and all of the old Arizona had been scooped out, but now she thought that maybe it was the other way around. Maybe that shell was really a wall of protection that needed to be cracked to let her back out. And if that were going to happen, Callie was sure that Sofia and kids like Brandon would be the mallets to crack the hard exterior she had wound around herself almost the moment she had woken up to find her leg gone.

As much as Callie wanted to be the one to find her way inside, she knew that she might have to wait her turn until Arizona was ready. And like any good surgeon, she was willing to utilize whatever she had at her disposal to save the person in her care. She could wait her wife out, let her interactions with the kids be the catalyst to finding herself again. After all, she'd sworn to herself she would do anything to help Arizona through this.

Once Brandon was gone, Arizona sighed heavily and sat down on the couch in the lounge. "This has been a truly long day."

Callie's eyes went up to the clock on the wall and her eyebrows rose. It was only four in the afternoon. "It seems way later than it is," she added.

"Yeah," Arizona agreed as she rubbed at the back of her neck and then pinched her nose. "My head is pounding."

Callie frowned. "We should get you home. I know you've been barely holding on."

Arizona nodded wearily. "That nap in the guest chair wasn't much help either. I really just need to get some sleep I think. Maybe take a huge handful of ibuprofen, too."

"You can have 800 mg and that's it," Callie said, her stern voice that she often used to tell Sofia no coming out naturally. "Sorry," she then added as she caught herself. "But you know that stuff will burrow a hole in your stomach and poison your liver."

"Okay, don't be too melodramatic. A few days of it won't hurt me too much. I just need another day or two and then I should be right as rain."

"Sure," Callie said, not really believing her. While the withdrawal symptoms would mostly be done in the next day or two, Arizona still had so many hurdles to overcome, both emotional and physical. Part of Callie really dreaded the point where they would have to focus on something other than the withdrawal, because then they would have to face the crux of their issues head on. She felt incredibly guilty for dreading the fact that Arizona would be feeling better soon. "No, of course you'll be over it all soon."

Arizona just looked at her, her blue eyes seeming so flat. "Let's just go home."

She started to stand when the door opened and Owen walked in. "Good, I was hoping I'd catch you both before you left," he said as he turned and locked the door. "I, uh," he started as he looked from Arizona to Callie and then back again. The laughter that bubbled out of him then was laced with a nervousness that wasn't normal for the chief.

"What?" Callie asked, hearing just a hint of agitation in her voice. "Sorry," she corrected herself. "It's just been a long day and I think we're both tired and just want to head home."

"Right," he said, his hands going into the pocket of his lab coat. "Look, what I'm about to say and do is between us. No one else needs to know. No one else should know, or we could all be in for serious trouble. But I just wanted to give you these." He pulled two small prescription bottles out of his pocket, neither of which had labels on them. He handed the bottles to Arizona. "They should help."

Arizona looked through the brownish bottles and frowned before pushing down on the child protecting cap of one and turning it. She tipped out a few orange pills and she looked at them intently before looking up at Owen. "Is this some pharmacology test?"

Owen shook his head with a small smile. "No. Look, I know I'm assuming here and really I don't want to know for sure. But that's some clonidine and the other is diazepam. I figured they might be useful."

Callie instantly recognized them as two of the drugs you would give someone going through an opiate withdrawal, especially if you didn't want to give them other opiates as a way to ease the symptoms. She knew Owen had figured it out earlier when he had cornered her in the conference room, but she was hoping that her denial had been enough for him to leave it alone. Obviously it wasn't. "Owen, we—"

"I won't be needing these," Arizona said, her voice just a little shaky as she held the bottles out to Owen.

Owen's eyebrow rose as he looked between them. "You do. But I also realize that I'm your boss, so you can't admit that to me. Your license to practice medicine and your job are at stake." His eyes moved to Callie. "Yours too." He shrugged. "And now mine as well. Like I said, I don't want to know for sure. You just take those with you and use them or not, whatever you need."

Arizona's gaze held Owen for a moment before she nodded, her eyes dropping to watch as she put the pills back into the bottle and closed the lid. She put the bottles in the duffle bag sitting on the couch next to her and then looked up at Callie. "We should get going."

"Right," Callie answered, standing to begin gathering their few things.

"Okay," Owen said as he went back over to the door and unlocking it. He turned and cleared his throat. "I do want to remind you that the employee handbook says any employee who has been on a prescription for a controlled substance has to undergo six months of drug screening when they come back to work."

Callie's eyes shot to Arizona and she saw how her wife's body suddenly became taught at the implication. It took her a few moments before she nodded. "Sure," she said quietly, her eyes never rising to meet Owen's.

"Derek has to do it, too. I'm not singling you out," Owen added quietly before slipping out through the door.

When the door shut, Callie let out a breath she didn't even realize she had been holding. She walked over to pick up the duffle bag and looked down at her wife. "I didn't tell him. I promise."

Arizona closed her eyes and let out a deep breath. "I know you didn't." She pinched at her nose again. "Can you dig both of those bottles back out?"

Callie frowned a little as she rooted through the duffle bag to get the two prescription bottles. "That bad, huh?"

Arizona nodded without saying anything as she opened both and took one pill from each. Before Callie could offer to get her something to drink she popped the two pills into her mouth and swallowed. She then handed the bottles back to Callie and started to get up. "Let's just go home."

Callie nodded and tried to school her face. It felt good to hear Arizona say that it was still her home. Since finding her wife sitting on the sidewalk at the motel, she had experienced nothing but uncertainty when it came to their present or their future. And while one little word didn't mean much, it still went a long way to ease the tension that felt permanently located in her gut. "Yeah, let's go home," she said with a smile.

* * *

Arizona actually felt pretty good for a change. She was lying in bed and all the tensions of the day finally seemed behind her while the steady pounding in her head was now just the lightest of pressures that was almost non-existent by comparison to earlier. She had to admit, medicine was indeed a miracle. _That's what I thought about the oxy._ Just the reminder of how she had fallen into even the mild drug abuse she had encountered made her take notice of her thoughts. She knew the diazepam could become addictive as well, so she reminded herself to not take any more of it than she needed. But right then, she was going to enjoy the relief while she had it.

"Are you hungry?"

Arizona looked up to find Callie leaning in the doorway. She shook her head. "Not really. I'm not really nauseous anymore, but I'm still not hungry. Maybe later."

For a moment it looked like Callie was going to argue but then she nodded. "Okay. Anything else I can do?"

Arizona let out a frustrated sigh. "You don't have to be my servant, Callie."

For a moment it looked like Callie was going to just shrink away at that, but then her brown eyes rose and there was a fire in them that Arizona hadn't seen in a while. She walked over and sat on the side of the bed. "But I do. Because you're my wife and I love you. This isn't about your leg or the drugs. This isn't about my guilt or your anger. This is about you not feeling well and needing some help. I did the same thing when you had that nasty stomach bug last winter. This isn't any different."

"Callie," Arizona immediately started protesting, her good feelings quickly dissipating as the familiar tension rose in her.

"No," Callie said with a quick shake of her head.

But Arizona needed to make her point. "Everything is different. I'm different. You're different. Our marriage is… Is our marriage even a marriage anymore? I'm not sure and to be honest I still don't know if I want it to be."

Callie shook her head. "We can get through this. I know we're both different. Of course we are. But does that have to only be a bad thing? People change but deep down, whether you want to believe it or not, you're still basically you, Arizona. I saw you with Brandon today and that was you, Arizona."

"He's a kid, Callie. That's different." How could Callie not see that?

"Is it? The Arizona from before the crash cared about kids in need deeply. She did everything she could and then some for them. How is that any different than what you're feeling for Brandon. Or even Rob?" She shook her head and Arizona saw there were tears in her eyes. "No, that's still you, Arizona. Why don't you want it to be?"

"What?" Arizona felt her heart begin to pound.

"That's it, isn't it?" Callie turned more, folding her legs Indian style so that she was fully facing Arizona. "There's some reason you don't want to be your old self. Why? Do you love being mad and depressed so much that you don't want any chance to go back to your old self? Or is it just easier?"

Arizona started to argue, to give back a kneejerk retort, but then she was reminded of a session with her therapist not all that long ago and she knew that what Callie was saying was true, at least in part. But it was still so hard to admit it to her wife. After all, if Callie hadn't missed the real cause of her decline in the hospital, she wouldn't have to worry so much about this in the first place. But she tried to remind herself that she was going to try, whatever that meant, and she figured honesty was certainly one way of doing that. "Do you know how truly devastating this all has been? How utterly horrific?"

"Of course I do."

Arizona shook her head. "I don't think you do. You keep making it sound like I should just snap out of this and be happy again. That I can just flip some switch and be the Arizona of old. But it's not that simple, not by a long shot. Do you remember that moment right before the car crash when you knew we were going to hit that truck? Do you remember how terrifying that was?"

"Yeah," Callie said hesitantly as if she weren't sure where Arizona was going with this.

"Imagine that times about a million, Callie. I had probably a minute or two of knowing we were going to crash, not just seconds. I had four days realizing I was probably going to die out in those woods, of feeling my life slip away, not to mention all the other horrible things that happened out there. I had a month of fighting so hard to keep my leg, trying so hard to be positive and keep up hope, and then I woke up and it was just gone. And then I found out it was preventable, if only you and Alex had thought about a PE instead of just cutting it off."

"Okay, stop," Callie cut in harshly. "I get that I can't know what you've gone through and it breaks my heart that you went through it all and that there's nothing really I can do to make it better. But I'm done taking it about your leg, Arizona. There was no way we could have known in the time we had that it was an embolism. You were dying. We didn't have time for tests. We would have never known what the problem was if we hadn't eliminated your leg as a culprit." She cringed slightly as the words spilled from her mouth. When she spoke again, her voice was softer. "You know that when things are that critical you just have to try what you think will save the patient and if that doesn't work, you move on to the next thing. I hate that the only way we had to find out what was wrong was to amputate, but it was. The options were amputate or we would have still been waiting on test results when you died. Isn't that the definition of life over limb?"

Arizona felt the frustration grow in her. Frustration with Callie just not seeming to understand where she was and frustration with herself for not being able to let it all go. Logically, she knew Callie was right and she knew that if she were in the same position, she would have done the exact same thing. But she wasn't Callie. She wasn't one of the brightest stars in the ortho world. Arizona knew she had always put Callie up on a pedestal, especially when it came to the wonders she could manage in the operating room. And it was just so disappointing that she hadn't found a way to save Arizona's leg earlier, before things had gone so far, or that she hadn't thought about a pulmonary embolism and at least raised that as a possibility. She sighed heavily. "I get why it happened the way it did, Callie."

"Then why can't you forgive me? Why can't you get over it and start moving forward?"

She needed to find a way to explain this to Callie. "The first time I realized I had gone a few hours without thinking about Tim, it really surprised me. And to be honest, as much as I was disappointed in myself and felt like I was disrespecting his memory, it was also such a relief." She felt a tear slip out of her eye and she wiped it away quickly. "I was able to forget about the most horrible thing that had ever happened to me for a few hours. And rarely, I even get whole days where I don't think about the fact that he's gone. I only have good thoughts about him or I'm too busy to think about him at all. And that's such a relief from the pain."

"Arizona," Callie began, such empathy in her voice it ripped at Arizona's heart.

"No, don't. You want to know why I can't move on? Because I'll never, ever get a day, for the rest of my life, when I don't think about being out there. Cristina and Meredith will. And you'll fix Derek's hand or someone will and even he'll be able to forget for a time." She dropped her eyes to the quilt, seeing how it flattened out where her left leg used to be. "But every time I strap that damned leg on, every time I stand or take a fucking step, I'll remember. The terror of that will always be there. Always. And I'll never get that blissful relief of forgetting. My entire life, pretty much every waking moment, I'll at least have it in the back of my mind. How can I ever move on? How can I hope to be my old self when that will always be with me?"

When Arizona finally looked up she saw the tears on Callie's cheeks and her wife averted her eyes. "You can't," Callie finally whispered, her voice choked with emotion.

"So stop trying to find the old me, Callie. She's gone. She died out in those woods."

Callie wiped the tears away from her face and took a deep breath, letting it out in a loud stream. She then looked back up at Arizona, her eyes clearer now. "Okay, then let me get to know the new Arizona. You said you wanted to try. Let me try, too."

Arizona wanted to argue, to push back against her wife, but she felt her resolve crumble when she saw the pleading in those expressive brown eyes. As hard as it was to try to put the pain behind her and to find a way to come to terms with everything, she knew she had to. As impossible as it felt, she knew she wanted to be happy again, at least as happy as possible. "Okay," she finally whispered.

"Okay?" A small smile tugged at Callie's full lips.

"I'm not promising any outcome, but I promised I would try. And I will."

Callie clearly tried to rein in her smile as she nodded. "I can't ask for anything more than that. Now, are you sure you're not hungry?"

Arizona was relieved at Callie's maneuver away from the tense conversation. "Maybe I could eat just a little something. Some soup maybe."

"One soup, coming right up." She got up without another word and left the bedroom.

Arizona just looked at the bed, at where the quilt was still indented where Callie had sat, and sighed. "I guess we both really need to get to know the new me," she whispered quietly to herself as she pulled the quilt off her lap and turned to grab her prosthetic so she could go out and help Callie. If she wanted to get her life back on track and find the new Arizona, she had to at least get out of bed and start living, and helping Callie with dinner was at least a start.

TBC…


	14. Chapter 14

**The Place You Alone Can Fill**

**By AmboDriver**

**Disclaimer:** As usual, I don't own anything. I'm just playing around with them. They are owned by Shondaland, ABC, and probably a lot of other really rich folks.

**A/N:** I have a horrible case of writer's block going right now and between that and life being on the sucky side, it's taken me a while to get something down for this story. Sorry. I think it's pretty obvious that at this rate you shouldn't expect quick updates. And I'm definitely going to end this story quicker than I had originally planned or I'll still be writing early to mid-season 9 time frame and the show will be finishing season 10. So, things will start moving pretty quickly from here on out.

So, when I have writer's block, I tend toward something simple, so nothing too complicated in this chapter. Just lots of Calzona. Hope you all enjoy and let me know if you do (or if you don't…be constructive and I can take it).

* * *

**Chapter 14**

Callie smiled brightly as she opened the apartment door to find Bailey standing outside with Sofia squirming in her arms. "Hey there baby girl," she said in that sing song voice she reserved for her daughter. "Did you have fun with Aunt Miranda?"

"Mommy!" Sofia squealed as she reached out for Callie.

"She was an angel," Bailey said as she passed the toddler off to Callie. "I think Tuck is in love."

"Oh?" Callie said with a broad smile as she looked down at Sofia, who was playing with her mother's hair now that she was safely in her arms. "Do you have a boyfriend already?"

She wasn't sure if Sofia really understood her, but the way her daughter giggled and then buried her head into her shoulder sure made her think she might have.

"Well, Torres, anytime you need me to watch her for you two, just let me know." Bailey held out the Dora backpack that Sofia took with her to daycare every day. "Really, anytime."

"Thanks," Callie answered as she offered her friend a smile. "You've been such a help through all of this."

Miranda shrugged and let out a deep breath. "How are…things?"

Callie let out a dry puff of laughter at Bailey's hesitant word choice. "Things are a little better. There's still a long road ahead and I'm not sure where that road is headed. But I figure as long as we're going somewhere that's better than not going anywhere, right?" She didn't want to think about the forks in the road ahead or whether she and Arizona would always be on the same path. It was always in the back of her mind, but the reality of it still scared the shit out of her, even if she had sworn to herself that she would accept whatever ended up being best for her wife and daughter, even above herself.

Bailey nodded, her brown eyes going soft as she reached up to ruffle Sofia's hair. "Like I said, if you or Arizona need anything, I'm here."

Callie felt the emotion catch at her throat so she just nodded and stood in the door to watch Miranda give a final nod before turning and disappearing around the corner toward the elevator. With a final deep breath, she looked down into her daughter's brown eyes. "Sorry I had to take you back from your new boyfriend, but I think it's time we work on getting this family of ours back together, huh? You going to help me?"

Sofia blinked up at her and then giggled. "Help!" she said as she excitedly kicked her legs. Sofia loved to help, even though her efforts rarely did that.

"Okay," Callie said as she leaned in to whisper in the toddler's ear, "so you need to be really good with Mama for a while, okay?"

"Mama?" The girl's eyes got big and she looked frantically over Callie's shoulder, her kicking becoming even more frantic. "Mama!" she demanded.

"Shh, she's sleeping right now." Callie mentally kicked herself for mentioning Arizona to their daughter. She should have known Sofia would get excited about seeing her. She looked over at the bedroom door, grateful that it was shut, and then quickly moved into the living room and grabbed the remote for the TV off the coffee table. "How about we watch some Dora?"

"No," Sofia said with a frown on her face as she looked over at the closed bedroom door. "Mama!" she said insistently.

Callie ignored her demand and quickly pulled up an episode of Dora that she knew her daughter hadn't seen yet. She turned the volume down low enough that it hopefully wouldn't wake up her wife and then sat down on the couch, pulling Sofia up into her lap. "Let's see what trouble Dora and her friends get up to, huh?" She pointed at the TV and was relieved when Sofia looked at it, her attention quickly becoming enthralled by the cartoon.

Callie leaned back and shut her eyes, feeling all the tension of the day—hell of the last two months—start to seep out of her. As Sofia snuggled deeper into her arms, she smiled. For the first time in a long time her whole family was home and while she had no idea how this all would turn out, she was going to enjoy that fact while she could.

* * *

Arizona sighed heavily as she tightened the Velcro strap around her waist and shifted her weight onto the prosthetic to gauge the stability. She finally felt well rested and the steady headache and nausea that had been present since she had stopped taking the oxy now seemed to be resolved. _Maybe this damned withdrawal is finally done._ She could only hope, because she knew she needed to work on getting on with her life, whatever that meant, and spending her days in bed feeling like shit was not conducive to that.

She grabbed her cane and started to head out of the bedroom, a small smile edging to her lips as she realized how easy she was now finding walking with just the cane. _I shouldn't have to feel good about this._ The thought instantly swiped the smile from her face as a familiar irritation filled her. "Damn," she whispered to herself as she realized how her mood had swung so quickly. It was just so frustrating to try to be positive and fight against the negative thoughts that so often seemed to come out of nowhere.

With a sigh and a shake of her head, she made her way out into the living room, coming to a sudden stop just past the door as she took in the scene on the couch. Callie and Sofia were sitting on the couch, both sound asleep, with Sofia snuggled tightly into Callie's arms. For just a split second, this was her life again, this was her family. She didn't think about her leg or how Callie and Alex had missed the embolism and amputated when it wasn't necessary. She didn't think about the drugs or the withdrawal or the knowledge that she had been vulnerable to addiction. She didn't think about Brandon and Rob or the fact that the young man was in intensive care waiting to wake up and be arrested for dealing drugs. No, for that one pristine moment, she was where she wanted to be and this was the family she wanted to spend her life with. This was all that mattered and it hit her like a lightning strike.

She took a step toward them, wanting nothing more than to sit down on the coffee table right across from them and study their faces so she could memorize this scene. But then as she put all her weight on her left foot, her brain clicked in a moment too late, and she started to fall, unable to catch herself before the prosthetic buckled under her and she crashed to the floor. "Shit!" she cried out as she pounded into the hardwood floor, the impact vibrating up through her arms and shoulders and shooting down into her back.

"What?" Callie's panicked sleep-disturbed voice was soon joined by Sofia crying at the surprise.

"It's okay. I'm okay," Arizona said as she shook her head to try to clear it before pulling herself back up to her feet with help of the couch. She looked over and saw the concern on Callie's face. "I stepped without thinking."

"Okay," Callie answered before turning her attention to Sofia, who was really starting to cry hysterically. "Hey, honey, it's okay. Nothing's wrong. It's okay." She looked up at Arizona, a hint of helplessness in her eyes.

Arizona went over to sit on the couch next to them. "Here, let me try." She forced a smile onto her face to try to reassure Callie as she took Sofia into her arms. She then focused on her daughter. "Hey there, sweetie. It's okay. Mama just tripped and fell. I'm sorry if I scared you." She pulled the toddler tight into her arms and ran her hand up and down her small back, feeling the heaving sobs shake her entire torso.

She continued to comfort Sofia and it slowly worked. The gulping sobs quickly became whimpering cries until finally those brown eyes that reminded her so much of Callie looked up at her through the tears. "Mama otay?"

"Yeah, baby girl," she said before placing a kiss on her temple. "I'm okay. Sometimes even adults fall down and go boom."

"Are you sure you're okay?" Callie asked as she got up and picked up the cane that had been left in the middle of the floor.

"Yeah. My pride is more hurt than anything."

Callie let out an audible sigh. "You have nothing to be ashamed about, Arizona. I can only imagine how hard it is to walk on one of those. I've seen a lot of amputees in my day, and you're way above the curve on how well you're doing. And I'm not just blowing smoke up your rear to make you feel better either." She placed the cane against the arm of the couch where Arizona would be able to reach it. "I'm really proud of you."

Arizona's first reaction was to bite back a nasty retort, but she stopped herself and just nodded. "Thanks."

"So", Callie said as she moved into the kitchen, "are you hungry at all?"

"Starving actually."

"Really? That's great," Callie said as she moved to the fridge. "I can cook something."

Arizona thought about it for a moment. "Let's just order a pizza."

Callie's smile grew as she picked up the phone. "Sounds good."

Arizona then returned her attention to Sofia, bouncing her with her right leg to get her attention. "So, Miss Sofia, did you have fun with Bailey and Tuck?"

"Tuck!" She giggled and then quickly was distracted by playing with Arizona's hair.

"Bailey said they really hit it off. I think she's got a boyfriend," Callie explained as she dialed the phone.

"Oh, an older man, huh?" She laughed and closed her eyes for a moment, again reveling in the moment and not thinking about all the other shit going on. _This can be your life again, if you just learn to forgive her and make the best of it. Not everything has to be bad. There can be times like this where things feel like before the crash._ She knew she wanted to try. She might have at first promised she would just to get her wife off her back, but she was slowly realizing that not only did she want to try, but she had to. No amount of anger toward Callie was going to give her back her leg. All it was going to do was hurt all three of them more. She really didn't have anything else to lose except maybe a chance at finding happiness again.

She looked down at Sofia, who had turned and was now snuggled into the crook of Arizona's right arm, her eyes fixed on the TV. _You promised Mark you would take care of them. She's lost her dad already, don't let her lose you, too._ Her decision made, she pulled her phone out of the pocket of her sweats and quickly opened up the email app. She shot a request to her shrink to schedule them bi-weekly appointments for the next few weeks and send her the information she had offered a few weeks earlier about the support groups that she thought Arizona would benefit from.

When she finished, she noticed Callie watching her. "Just working on scheduling some appointments." She realized that she wasn't being fully truthful and knew that if there was any hope they could repair their marriage, she would have to be open with Callie. "My psychiatrist," she added.

"Good, great," Callie said, and it was apparent that she was holding back her enthusiasm some. "So, pizza's ordered," she said as she came back into the living room, handing Arizona a bottle of water and then placing a sippy cup into Sofia's hands before sitting down on the opposite couch. "Have you thought about maybe switching your prosthetist to David Moore? I mean, it'd be more convenient and he's amazing. Really. He's done some amazing work with my patients."

Arizona's answer was instantaneous. "No." When Callie lifted her eyebrow in question, Arizona let out a deep breath. "I don't want to be there anymore than I need to until I can walk better. I don't need to be a spectacle."

"You know every single person in that hospital, right down to the cleaning crew, just wants what's best for you."

"They'll still stare," Arizona said, her voice pleading just a little for understanding.

Callie nodded and let out a deep breath. "I hate to tell you this, but people are going to stare, more often than not. But you want to know what will stop them from staring?"

"What?"

"Familiarity. The more everyone at the hospital sees you, the less you walking will be a novelty. It'll be normal. And then the hospital will be a pretty safe place for you. You might as well start now."

Arizona knew there was no use arguing with Callie right then. "I'll think about it."

"Good," Callie said, a smile coming to her lips. "Do you think you can handle getting the pizza? I want to get a quick shower in."

"Sure."

Callie offered her a small smile and then silently went into their bedroom, shutting the door behind her.

When she was gone, Arizona let out a sigh of relief. She leaned back on the couch and reached up to absently play with Sofia's hair while her eyes drifted to the TV, not really taking in the cartoon that was playing as her mind started tumbling over itself. _Stop. Just stop. She's trying to help so don't get mad at her._ She let out a deep breath. _Work on the present and not getting mad at her for every little thing and then you can work on the biggie. Just let it go._

And somehow she did and that brought a smile to her face as she opened her eyes to watch cartoons with her daughter.

* * *

"Callie?"

Callie dabbed at her face with a towel as she walked out into the bedroom. "Yeah?"

Arizona was sitting up in bed, pillows piled up behind her. She patted at Callie's side of the bed. "Can you sit down for a moment?"

Callie felt her heart speed up a little. Anytime Arizona wanted to talk, Callie was waiting for a shoe to drop or come out of nowhere and slam her in the head. But she couldn't deny any chance they had to talk, even if she was terrified of the outcome. She moved around the bed and sat down at the foot, pulling her legs to cross in front of her. "I'm sitting," she said expectantly.

It was only then that she noticed Arizona was playing with her wedding ring, running it between her fingers. When she had left it on Arizona's dresser, Callie had been hopeful her wife would want to wear it soon, but the realist in her head knew it was likely to take weeks at best. Now as she saw how Arizona looked down at it, Callie felt the bile start to sting at her throat. What if she was never going to put it back on?

Arizona looked up and she let out a deep breath. "You know how I said I wanted to try to fix everything between us? Well, when I said that, I have to admit I was only partially truthful. I mostly wanted to get you off my back about, well, everything."

Callie nodded, feeling the lump in her throat growing. "Okay," she managed to get out past it.

Arizona's fingers stopped playing around with the ring as her eyes fell to it. She then slid it back onto her left hand. "I want to try now," she said quietly as her eyes lifted almost hesitantly to look at Callie.

Callie's eyes moved between Arizona's hand and her face then back again. She couldn't believe what she had just seen. There were definitely times when she was reasonably sure she would never see that ring back on Arizona's finger and yet there it was. "Arizona," she started but then her voice cracked as she felt the emotion overcome her. She could feel tears stinging at her eyes as she looked up at her wife. _My wife. She still wants to be my wife._

"This doesn't mean all is forgiven, Callie. I still need to work on that." She looked up at the ceiling and it was only then that Callie noticed the tears starting to form in those blue eyes. "I mean, I know in my head why you made the call and I don't blame you for that. I would have done the same thing, I'm sure. But I still feel angry for some reason. It's going to take me some time and hard work to put that behind me. But I can definitely say that I want to do that now. For the first time since I woke up after the amputation, I feel like I can be happy again someday. And I know that I want that."

"I…" Callie wiped at her eyes and took a deep breath to try to calm all the emotions raging through her. "Arizona, you don't know how happy that makes me."

Arizona started rolling her ring around her finger with her right hand. "But, Callie, I need you to be one hundred percent honest with me. Are you, well, do you…" She stopped and her eyes fell to the bed.

Callie had known Arizona for a long time but ever since the amputation, she had found that she couldn't read her wife like she used to. "You can ask me anything. You know that."

Her eyes never left the quilt as she asked, "Are you still attracted to me?"

"What?" Callie could barely believe the question, but then again it was understandable. Arizona's body image was certainly suffering post-amputation. "Arizona, look at me." She waited for her wife to take a deep breath and then lift hesitant blue eyes. "You are beautiful and amazing and of course I'm still attracted to you. And I promise you, when you are ready, I will show you, every day for the rest of our lives, okay?" She didn't see any reaction from Arizona and so she rolled her eyes and laughed quietly. "You will always be the most beautiful, desirable person—man or woman—I have ever known. You're my wife and I want you to be my wife, in every sense of the word, until death do us part. Which I really hope isn't until we're both so old and gray that we look like a pair of Shar Pei dogs."

That made Arizona laugh and she reached up to wipe at her eyes. "Thanks."

"And I get that you might not be ready to believe that," Callie added when she saw a slight frown come to her wife's lips.

Arizona laughed then. "It might take a while."

"Like I said, every day for the rest of our lives. And anything else you need me to do, I'm there." Callie's eyes went back down to the ring on Arizona's finger. "And the only thing I need from you is that you talk to me. Okay? Silence is what is killing us."

"I know." Arizona took a deep breath and then seemed to push her emotions away. "I'm tired, Callie. And it might be a little while until I'm ready for you to sleep here. I'm sorry."

"No worries," she said as she got up and moved over to the bedroom door. She then paused and looked back at her wife, feeling a smile tug at her lips. "I love you, Arizona."

Arizona's eyes shot up to her and there was a momentary flash of fear that crossed her face before it dissipated into something more perplexing. "I know. And, Callie?"

"Yeah?"

A small smile tugged at the corner of Arizona's mouth. "I may be mad at you, Callie, but I love you, too."

A weight instantly fell from Callie's chest and she smiled. "Thank you," she said quietly before leaving the room and letting the door shut behind her. She went over and sat down on the couch, her smile just growing and growing. "Did that just happen?" Her eyes went to the closed door before she got to her feet and danced around for a few seconds, needing to somehow get all the emotions out of her system before they overwhelmed her. When she was breathing hard, she fell back onto the couch. "Holy shit. That really just happened."

TBC…


End file.
